First dates are nerve-wracking enough without shooting yourself in the foot before dessert arrives.
I’ve spent years counseling singles through dating disasters, and honestly? Most first date failures are completely preventable. People sabotage promising connections by doing things they think are harmless but actually scream “red flag” to their date.
Here’s the reality: first impressions matter. You don’t get a do-over. One date gone wrong because you couldn’t put your phone down or spent two hours complaining about your ex, and that person is gone forever.
The good news? Avoiding these mistakes is easier than you think. You don’t need to be perfect or pretend to be someone you’re not. You just need to show up with basic awareness, decent manners, and genuine interest in the person across from you.
Let’s talk about the 13 things that will absolutely tank your first date if you’re not careful.
13 Things You Should Never Do On A First Date
These aren’t just random pet peeves. These are relationship-killing behaviors I’ve seen destroy countless potential connections. Learn from other people’s mistakes so you don’t have to make them yourself.
1. Show Up Late
Nothing says “you’re not important to me” quite like showing up 30 minutes late with a weak excuse.
Time is the most valuable thing we have. When you waste someone’s time by being chronically late, you’re showing them they’re not a priority. And trust me, people notice.
Punctuality demonstrates respect, reliability, and interest. Being late demonstrates the opposite, even if you have a legitimate excuse. Your date doesn’t know you yet. They don’t know if this is a one-time thing or a pattern.
I had a client who showed up 45 minutes late to a first date because she “lost track of time getting ready.” The guy left before she arrived. Can you blame him? He spent 45 minutes sitting alone at a restaurant, wondering if he’d been stood up.
Here’s what you do: plan to arrive 15 minutes early. Factor in traffic, parking difficulties, or getting lost. Use Google Maps to calculate the route ahead of time. Build in buffer time for the unexpected.
If something genuinely unavoidable happens (flat tire, accident, emergency), call immediately and apologize. Offer to reschedule if you’ll be more than 15 minutes late. Show that you value their time even when circumstances work against you.
2. Talk Excessively About Your Ex
Your date isn’t your therapist. They’re not there to hear about how your ex broke your heart, betrayed your trust, or whatever drama happened in your past relationship.
Bringing up your ex repeatedly signals that you’re not over them. It makes your date feel like they’re competing with a ghost. It shifts the focus from getting to know each other to rehashing your relationship history.
Occasional mentions are fine if relevant. “I was married for five years,” as context is different from spending an hour detailing everything your ex did wrong. The first is information. The second is baggage dumping.
I counseled a woman who couldn’t figure out why her dates never led to second dates. When we discussed her typical first date conversation, she realized she spent significant time comparing every guy to her ex.
Example: “He never would have ordered that,” or “My ex always did this differently.” She didn’t even realize she was doing it. Keep ex mentions brief, neutral, and minimal. Focus on the person in front of you, not the person you left behind.
3. Use Your Phone Constantly
Few things are more insulting than trying to have a conversation with someone who’s scrolling through Instagram while you’re talking.
Your phone is a connection killer. Every time you check it, you’re telling your date they’re less interesting than whatever notification just popped up. You’re choosing digital distraction over human connection.
Put your phone on silent and keep it in your pocket or purse. Not face down on the table where you can see it light up. Not in your hand, “just in case.” Out of sight.
I’ve heard countless dating horror stories about phone obsession. One guy was literally swiping through dating apps while his date was in the bathroom. She saw his screen when she came back. There was no second date.
If you’re expecting an urgent call (sick family member, important work emergency), mention it at the start of the date. “I apologize in advance, but I might need to take one call tonight because my mom is having surgery.” That’s respectful.
Randomly checking your phone every five minutes because you’re bored? That’s rude. Your date deserves your full attention. Give it to them.
4. Drink Too Much Alcohol
One or two drinks to ease nerves? Fine. Drinking so much you can’t walk straight or remember the conversation? Date disaster.
Excessive drinking clouds judgment, lowers inhibitions inappropriately, causes oversharing, creates embarrassing situations, and makes you look like you lack self-control.
Nobody wants to deal with a drunk person on a first date. It’s uncomfortable, awkward, and honestly a bit scary. Your date doesn’t know you well enough to know if you’re a happy drunk, an angry drunk, or something worse.
I worked with a client whose date got so drunk she threw up in the parking lot. He spent the evening making sure she got home safely instead of getting to know her. She texted him apologizing profusely the next day. He politely declined a second date.
Know your limits and stay well below them on a first date. You want to be present, articulate, and in control of yourself. Save the drinking for when you’re more comfortable with each other.
5. Dominate The Conversation
Congratulations on having interesting stories and opinions. Now let the other person talk.
Conversation is a two-way street. When you monopolize every topic, interrupt constantly, or turn everything back to yourself, you come across as self-absorbed and uninterested in your date.
Good conversations flow back and forth. You share, they share. You ask questions, they ask questions. You listen, they listen. Balance matters.
I’ve heard from so many women about dates who spent two hours talking about themselves without asking a single question. “He talked about his job, his car, his gym routine, his college fraternity, and never once asked about me,” one client told me. She spent the entire date wondering if he even remembered her name.
Pay attention to conversational balance. Are you asking questions? Are you genuinely listening to answers? Are you giving your date space to contribute? Or are you performing a monologue?
Let silence happen too. You don’t need to fill every pause. Sometimes, quiet moments are comfortable and natural.
6. Discuss Controversial Topics Like Politics Or Religion
Want to start an argument on a first date? Bring up politics or religion before you’ve even finished your appetizers.
These topics are deeply personal. People have strong opinions about them. And when you don’t know someone’s views yet, you risk creating immediate conflict or discomfort.
First dates should be fun and light, not heavy and divisive. Save the serious philosophical debates for when you’ve established rapport and trust.
This doesn’t mean you can never discuss these topics. It means timing matters. Once you know each other better and have built some connection, deeper conversations are natural and important. But on date one? Keep it easy.
I had a client whose date spent an hour passionately arguing political positions that contradicted everything she believed. She tried to steer the conversation elsewhere, but he kept circling back. She felt attacked and uncomfortable. No second date happened.
Talk about hobbies, travel, food, movies, books, or shared interests. Build a connection before tackling controversial subjects.
7. Be Overly Negative Or Complain
Negativity is exhausting. If you spend your entire first date complaining about your job, your family, your city, or your life in general, your date will run for the hills.
Everyone has bad days and legitimate grievances. But a first date isn’t the time to unload every frustration you’re carrying. Your date wants to see your personality, not your baggage.
Chronic complaining makes you seem pessimistic, draining, and unhappy. Those aren’t attractive qualities when someone is deciding whether they want to spend more time with you.
One client told me about a date who complained nonstop. The restaurant was too cold, the service was too slow, the food was overpriced, the traffic getting there was terrible, and her coworkers were incompetent. By the end, he felt emotionally exhausted just from listening to her.
Keep the conversation positive and engaging. Share things you enjoy, experiences that excite you, and interests that light you up. Enthusiasm is contagious. Negativity is repelling.
If something genuinely bothers you during the date (loud restaurant, cold food), address it briefly and move on. Don’t dwell or spiral into complaint mode.
8. Forget Basic Manners
Basic manners aren’t optional. They’re essential.
Saying please and thank you, making eye contact, listening without interrupting, chewing with your mouth closed, using napkins, and treating servers with respect these small behaviors that reveal your character.
People judge you by how you treat others, especially those in service positions. If you’re rude to the waiter, your date assumes you’ll eventually be rude to them, too.
I counseled a woman who went on a date with a guy who was charming to her but dismissive and rude to the restaurant staff. He snapped his fingers at the waiter, complained loudly about minor issues, and didn’t say thank you once.
She was mortified and declined a second date despite his protests that he’d treated her well.
Good manners show respect, consideration, and emotional intelligence. They cost nothing but mean everything.
9. Overshare Personal Problems
Your date isn’t your therapist. A first date isn’t a therapy session.
Sharing your deepest traumas, biggest regrets, financial disasters, family dysfunction, or mental health struggles on a first date is too much, too soon. It creates emotional weight that a brand-new connection can’t handle.
Vulnerability is important in relationships, but timing matters. Early stages are for building trust and connection. Deep trauma dumping comes later when emotional safety has been established.
I worked with a client who shared her entire history of abusive relationships, financial bankruptcy, and family estrangement on a first date.
The guy felt overwhelmed and uncomfortable. He didn’t sign up to process that level of heavy information with someone he’d just met.
Keep first date conversations lighter. Share interests, funny stories, travel experiences, and hobbies. Save the heavy stuff for when you’ve built more foundation.
This doesn’t mean being fake or hiding who you are. It means having appropriate boundaries about what you share and when.
10. Bring Up Marriage Or Kids Too Soon
Nothing kills first date chemistry faster than “So, do you want kids?” asked before the drinks arrive.
Yes, these conversations are important eventually. But on a first date, they create pressure and make your date feel like they’re interviewing for a position rather than getting to know someone organically.
People want to feel valued for who they are, not evaluated as a potential spouse before you know their last name. Leading with “what are your marriage plans” feels transactional, not romantic.
I’ve heard countless stories about dates that felt more like job interviews. “Do you want kids? How many? What’s your five-year plan? Where do you see yourself settling down?” These questions have their place, but not in the first two hours of meeting someone.
Focus on building a connection first. Learn about their personality, values, interests, and character. The practical logistics conversations come naturally once you determine if you actually like each other.
11. Judge Or Criticize Their Appearance
If you can’t say something nice about how someone looks, say nothing at all.
Commenting negatively on your date’s clothing, hairstyle, makeup, body, or appearance is cruel and unnecessary. Everyone wants to feel attractive and accepted, especially when meeting someone new.
Criticism about appearance destroys confidence and connection instantly. Even if you think you’re being helpful, you’re actually being hurtful.
One client told me about a date who suggested she “would look better with longer hair” and “should wear more makeup next time.” There was no next time. She felt judged and insulted.
If you’re not attracted to your date, you can politely end things without explaining why. You don’t need to detail what you find unappealing about their appearance. That’s just mean.
Give genuine compliments if you feel moved to, but never criticize. Simple as that.
12. Be Unkind To Service Staff
How you treat people who can do nothing for you reveals your true character.
Being rude, dismissive, or disrespectful to waiters, bartenders, hostesses, or any service staff shows poor character and a lack of empathy. Your date is watching and judging.
Kindness to service workers demonstrates respect, patience, and emotional maturity. Rudeness demonstrates entitlement, arrogance, and potential for future mistreatment.
I’ve heard this story repeatedly: date goes well until one person snaps at the waiter over something minor. The other person immediately loses interest because they’ve seen the ugly side of their date’s personality.
Treat everyone with respect and courtesy, regardless of their job or what they can do for you. That’s basic human decency, and your date will absolutely notice how you behave.
13. Leave Without Offering To Split The Bill
The “who pays” debate is ongoing, but one thing is clear: offering to contribute shows consideration and respect.
Assuming your date will automatically pay for everything comes across as entitled. Even if cultural norms or personal preferences suggest one person should pay, offering to split shows you don’t take generosity for granted.
The gesture matters more than the outcome. Many people will decline your offer to split and insist on paying, but making the offer demonstrates fairness and respect.
I’ve counseled both men and women frustrated by dates who expected them to pay without even pretending to reach for their wallet. “I don’t mind paying,” one male client told me, “but I’d appreciate it if she at least offered. It’s the principle.”
When the check comes, offer to split it. If your date insists on paying, thank them genuinely. If they accept your offer, pay your share graciously. Don’t make it weird or awkward.
Final Thoughts
After years of counseling singles through dating challenges, I’ve learned this: first dates aren’t about being perfect. They’re about being present, respectful, and genuinely interested.
Avoiding these 13 mistakes won’t guarantee a second date. Chemistry, compatibility, and timing all play roles, too. But these mistakes will almost certainly prevent a second date if you make them.
The best dates happen when both people show up fully present, genuinely curious, and treat each other with respect.
Now go out there and make a great first impression. You’ve got this.
