Marriages don’t usually explode overnight, they crumble slowly, one bad habit at a time.
After spending years counseling couples through crisis, I can tell you exactly how marriages fall apart. It’s rarely the dramatic stuff you see in movies.
Most marriages die from a thousand paper cuts, small, repeated behaviors that chip away at your foundation until there’s nothing left to stand on.
You might be destroying your marriage right now without even realizing it.
These aren’t obvious relationship crimes like cheating or abuse.
They’re everyday patterns that feel harmless until suddenly, you’re sitting in a lawyer’s office wondering what went wrong.
So let’s talk about the 13 marriage killers you need to stop today, before they stop your marriage permanently.
What Are Little Things You Do That Can Destroy Your Marriage?
Before we jump into specifics, let’s address the elephant in the room. The little things matter more than the big things in marriage.
Small daily habits that destroy marriages include:
- Dismissing your partner’s concerns instead of listening
- Taking them for granted because they’re always there
- Avoiding difficult conversations until problems explode
- Putting everything else before your relationship
- Neglecting emotional connection in favor of logistics
These behaviors seem insignificant in the moment. “I’ll listen to them tomorrow.” “We’ll talk about it later.” “It’s no big deal.”
But these small dismissals compound over time until your partner feels completely invisible.
13 Things You’re Doing Wrong That Will Destroy Your Marriage
Let’s break down the specific habits that slowly poison even the strongest marriages.
FYI, recognizing yourself in this list isn’t failure; it’s the first step toward fixing things.
1. You Don’t Communicate
Poor communication is the number one marriage killer I see in my practice.
Not infidelity, not money problems, communication breakdowns.
When you stop communicating effectively, you stop being partners. You become roommates who occasionally share a bed.
You stop sharing your inner world, your fears, dreams, frustrations, and joys.
The breakdown happens gradually:
- First, you stop sharing the small stuff
- Then, you avoid difficult topics
- Eventually, you barely talk beyond logistics
- Finally, you realize you’re strangers
I’ve watched couples who once couldn’t stop talking sit in my office in complete silence.
They’ve forgotten how to communicate, and now they don’t even know where to start.
Use communication tools from The Gottman Institute or apps like Lasting to rebuild those skills before it’s too late.
2. You Don’t Prioritize Quality Time Together
When was the last time you and your spouse had an actual conversation that wasn’t about bills, schedules, or kids?
If you’re struggling to remember, you’re not alone.
Couples stop prioritizing quality time because:
- Work becomes all-consuming
- Kids need constant attention
- You’re both exhausted
- It feels easier to zone out than connect
But here’s the reality: the relationship you don’t feed will starve. You fell in love by spending time together. Why would maintaining that love require any less effort?
Schedule date nights using planning apps like Cozi or Google Calendar.
Treat couple time as non- negotiable as work meetings or doctor appointments.
3. You Are Neglecting Your Partner’s Emotional Needs
Emotional neglect is invisible abuse, and it destroys marriages just as effectively as more obvious betrayals.
Your partner has emotional needs that only you can meet:
- Feeling valued and appreciated
- Physical affection and touch
- Words of affirmation
- Quality attention
- Acts of service
When these needs go unmet consistently, your partner starts looking elsewhere, not necessarily for an affair, but for the emotional connection they’re missing at home.
They might find it in friendships, work relationships, or hobbies that take them further from you.
Learn your partner’s love language and speak it fluently. Their emotional tank should never be running on empty.
4. You Hold Onto Grudges
Keeping score in marriage is like playing a game where everybody loses.
I once worked with a client who kept a mental list of every wrong his wife had committed over their 15- year marriage.
He’d pull out grievances from 2008 during arguments in 2023.
Guess what? They’re divorced now.
Holding grudges means:
- You never truly forgive
- Past hurts contaminate present moments
- Your partner can never move past mistakes
- Resentment builds until it becomes hatred
Marriage requires letting things go. Not everything needs to be fought about, and not every hurt needs to be preserved forever.
Learn to forgive genuinely or risk suffocating your marriage under the weight of old grudges.
5. You Avoid Conflict Resolution
Conflict avoidance feels like peacekeeping, but it’s actually relationship suicide.
Some couples think avoiding conflict means they have a “good” marriage.
They’re wrong. Healthy marriages have conflict; they just handle it well.
When you avoid conflict:
- Problems fester and grow
- Resentment builds silently
- Small issues become huge crises
- Emotional distance increases
IMO, couples who never fight either aren’t being honest or aren’t paying attention.
The goal isn’t to avoid conflict, it’s to resolve it effectively.
Learn conflict resolution skills through resources like Psychology Today or couples therapy via BetterHelp.
6. You Ignore Financial Issues
Money problems destroy more marriages than almost anything else, not because of the money itself, but because of what it represents.
Financial issues destroy marriages when:
- You hide spending from each other
- One partner controls all the money
- You have completely different money values
- Debt keeps piling up without a plan
- You can’t talk about money without fighting
Money discussions reveal trust, values, and future priorities. Avoiding them doesn’t make problems disappear; it just lets them grow in the dark until they’re too big to handle.
Use budgeting apps like YNAB (You Need A Budget) or Mint to get on the same financial page.
Have monthly money meetings where you review finances together as a team.
7. You Fail To Support Each Other’s Goals
Your partner’s dreams should matter to you almost as much as they matter to them.
When you don’t support your spouse’s goals:
- They feel alone in their ambitions
- They start seeing you as an obstacle
- They wonder why they married someone who doesn’t believe in them
- They eventually stop sharing their dreams altogether
I’ve seen marriages crumble because one partner dismissed the other’s aspirations as “impractical” or “selfish.”
Years later, that dismissed partner either resents them forever or finds someone who actually supports their dreams.
Be your spouse’s biggest cheerleader. Celebrate their wins enthusiastically.
Support their efforts even when you don’t fully understand them.
8. You Take Your Partner For Granted
Familiarity breeds contempt when you stop appreciating what you have.
Taking your partner for granted looks like:
- Assuming they’ll always be there no matter how you treat them
- Stopping basic courtesies like “please” and “thank you”
- Never acknowledging what they do for you
- Treating strangers with more kindness than your spouse
You wouldn’t ignore your car maintenance and expect it to run forever. Why would your marriage be any different?
Appreciation and gratitude are the maintenance that keeps marriages running.
Express gratitude daily using apps like Grateful or just verbal appreciation.
Make it a habit to notice and acknowledge what your partner does.
9. You Don’t Trust Your Partner
Trust is the foundation of marriage, without it, everything crumbles.
Lack of trust manifests as:
- Checking their phone constantly
- Interrogating them about their whereabouts
- Assuming the worst in every situation
- Accusing without evidence
- Creating rules and restrictions
Sometimes trust issues stem from your partner’s behavior. Other times they stem from your own insecurities or past trauma.
Either way, a marriage without trust is a prison for both partners.
If trust has been broken, rebuild it through therapy and proven exercises.
If you’re the one with trust issues despite a faithful partner, get individual therapy to address your insecurities.
10. You Neglect Self-Care And Personal Growth
Letting yourself go, mentally, physically, or emotionally, affects your marriage more than you think.
This isn’t about maintaining model-level attractiveness. It’s about:
- Staying healthy and energetic
- Continuing to grow as a person
- Maintaining interests outside the marriage
- Taking care of your mental health
- Being someone interesting to be around
When you stop growing, you become stagnant. Your partner married someone with dreams, ambitions, and vitality.
Don’t replace that person with someone who’s given up on themselves.
Use fitness apps like MyFitnessPal or Peloton, read personal development books on Audible, or take courses on Coursera. Keep evolving.
11. You Succumb To External Pressures
Too many cooks absolutely spoil the marriage broth.
External pressure destroys marriages when:
- You prioritize parents’ opinions over your spouse’s
- Friends influence major decisions
- You share intimate marriage details with everyone
- You let others’ expectations dictate your choices
- Social media becomes the third partner
Your marriage is between two people. Everyone else is a supporting character at best, an interference at worst.
When you let external voices drown out your partner’s voice, you’re choosing others over your marriage.
Set firm boundaries with family and friends. Make joint decisions as a couple before consulting others. Keep your marriage details private.
12. You Are Overly Critical
Constant criticism slowly murders your partner’s spirit and your marriage along with it.
Destructive criticism includes:
- Attacking character instead of addressing behavior
- Using “always” and “never” statements
- Bringing up past mistakes repeatedly
- Comparing them negatively to others
- Offering criticism without solutions
The Gottman Institute identifies criticism as one of the “Four Horsemen” that predict divorce.
When criticism becomes your default communication style, your partner stops trying to please you because nothing ever seems good enough.
Learn to give constructive feedback with love.
Use “I feel” statements instead of “You always” accusations. Build up more than you tear down.
13. You Refuse To Compromise
Marriage is the art of compromis, if you can’t master it, you can’t succeed.
Refusing to compromise means:
- Insisting on your way or the highway
- Never considering your partner’s preferences
- Making unilateral decisions
- Treating marriage like a competition to win
- Dismissing your partner’s needs as less important
I’ve watched marriages implode because one partner treated every disagreement like a battle to win.
They “won” all the arguments but lost their marriage. Was it worth it?
Healthy compromise doesn’t mean you never get your way. It means both partners feel heard, valued, and willing to meet in the middle.
Why These Habits Are So Destructive
These behaviors destroy marriages because they erode the three pillars every marriage needs: trust, respect, and emotional connection.
When you engage in these destructive habits:
- Trust crumbles because your actions don’t match your commitment
- Respect disappears because you stop treating your partner as an equal
- Connection fades because you stop prioritizing the relationship
- Resentment builds until it poisons everything
- Distance grows until you’re strangers living together
The scariest part? These changes happen so gradually that you often don’t notice until the damage is severe.
It’s like termites eating at your house, everything looks fine from the outside until suddenly the whole structure collapses.
How To Stop Destroying Your Marriage
Recognizing these patterns is step one. Changing them is step two.
Start with these practical actions:
This week:
- Identify which habits from this list you’re guilty of
- Have an honest conversation with your spouse about them
- Apologize for your part in damaging the relationship
- Choose one habit to focus on changing first
This month:
- Schedule weekly check-ins to discuss relationship health
- Start couples therapy if issues are serious
- Implement daily appreciation practices
- Prioritize at least one date night
This quarter:
- Work consistently on communication skills
- Address financial issues head-on
- Rebuild trust through consistent actions
- Recommit to supporting each other’s goals
This year:
- Make relationship health a permanent priority
- Continue personal growth and self-care
- Build new positive habits that strengthen your bond
- Celebrate progress and improvements
When Professional Help Is Needed
Some marriage problems require more than self-help articles. Seek professional support when:
- You’ve tried fixing issues alone without success
- Communication has completely broken down
- Trust has been severely damaged
- You’re considering separation or divorce
- Mental health issues are affecting the marriage
- Abuse of any kind is present
Find qualified marriage therapists through directories like Psychology Today or online therapy platforms like BetterHelp and Talkspace.
Don’t wait until the marriage is on life support to get help.
The Choice Is Yours
Every day you either build your marriage or tear it down, there’s no neutral ground.
These 13 habits destroy marriages slowly but surely. The good news? You can stop them today, choose different behaviors. You can become a better partner.
But here’s the reality check: change requires commitment from both partners.
If you’re doing all the work while your spouse continues destructive patterns, you’re trying to save a marriage by yourself. That doesn’t work long-term.
Both partners need to recognize problems, take responsibility for their part, and commit to growth. If your spouse won’t do that, you may need to make harder decisions about your future.
Your Marriage Survival Plan
Don’t wait for a crisis to start fixing your marriage. Prevention is always easier than damage control. Ask yourself honestly:
- Which of these 13 habits do I practice regularly?
- How has my behavior hurt my partner or marriage?
- What am I willing to change starting today?
- Does my spouse recognize these issues too?
- Are we both committed to doing better?
Then take action. Have the difficult conversations. Schedule the therapy sessions. Make the changes. Do the work.
Your marriage is worth fighting for, but only if you both show up for the fight.
Final Thoughts
Marriages don’t fail because of one catastrophic event, they fail because of dozens of small betrayals, dismissals, and neglects that accumulate over time.
Your marriage will either thrive or barely survive based on daily choices you make. Choose wisely, intentionally. Choose your partner every single day.
Which of these marriage-destroying habits do you recognize in yourself? Honesty is the first step toward change. What will you commit to working on this week?
