8 Things Men Find Unattractive In Women

Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat: this isn’t about changing who you are to please some guy. But after working with hundreds of couples over the years, I’ve noticed some patterns that might surprise you. Ever wonder why that amazing first date never turned into a second one? Or why guys seem interested initially but then just… disappear?

We talk a lot about what women find unattractive in men but rarely flip the script. Today, we’re having that honest conversation your girlfriends might be too polite to bring up. These aren’t shallow preferences they’re deeper behavioral patterns that can make or break romantic connections.

What Do Men Find Unattractive About Women?

Before we jump in, let me be clear: every person is different, and these aren’t universal rules. But through my years of relationship coaching and countless conversations with both men and women, I’ve identified some consistent themes that keep coming up.

The surprising truth? Most of these turn-offs have nothing to do with your appearance. Sure, physical attraction matters initially, but what really makes or breaks long-term interest goes much deeper than your makeup routine or dress size.

From my clinical experience, I’ve learned that men are often more observant than we give them credit for. They notice how you treat the waiter, how you handle stress, and whether you can laugh at yourself. These behavioral cues tell them everything they need to know about what a relationship with you might be like.

The men I’ve counseled consistently mention feeling frustrated when women assume they only care about looks. “I want someone who makes me feel good about myself and life in general,” one client told me. “Physical beauty is nice, but it doesn’t sustain a relationship.”

So what specific behaviors and traits consistently come up as relationship red flags? Let’s break it down honestly and constructively.

8 Things Men Find Highly Unattractive In Women

Ready for some real talk? These are the patterns I see repeatedly in my practice, backed by both research and honest conversations with the men who’ve shared their experiences with me.

1. Lack Of Body Care And Bad Hygiene

Okay, this one might seem obvious, but you’d be amazed at how often it comes up in my sessions. I’m not talking about being Instagram-perfect 24/7. I’m talking about basic self-care and hygiene that shows you respect yourself and others.

One client shared a story that stuck with me: “I was really into this woman until our third date. She showed up with visibly dirty fingernails and hair that looked like she’d been sleeping on it for days. It wasn’t about being shallow – it felt like she didn’t care enough about our date to make basic efforts.”

Here’s what this really looks like:

Consistently unwashed or greasy hair
Strong body odor or bad breath that could be easily prevented
Dirty or bitten-down nails
Clothes that are stained or smell unwashed
Neglecting basic skincare when dealing with preventable issues

Now, I’m not saying you need to be runway-ready every day. We all have lazy Sunday moments, and that’s totally normal in comfortable relationships. The key is consistency in basic hygiene practices that show you care about yourself and respect the people around you.

I always tell my clients: good hygiene isn’t about vanity, it’s about self-respect. When you take care of yourself, it signals that you value yourself enough to maintain basic standards.

2. Lacking Confidence

This one breaks my heart because I see so many amazing women who don’t realize their own worth. Confidence isn’t about being loud or aggressive it’s about being comfortable in your own skin and owning your value.

I worked with a couple where the woman constantly sought reassurance about everything: “Do I look okay? Are you sure you like this restaurant? Am I talking too much?” While her boyfriend initially found it endearing, it eventually became exhausting for him.

What lack of confidence looks like in relationships:

Constantly apologizing for normal behavior
Unable to make simple decisions without excessive input
Fishing for compliments instead of accepting them gracefully
Comparing yourself negatively to other women constantly
Unable to express your needs or preferences clearly

The psychology here is interesting: confidence is attractive because it signals emotional stability and self-awareness. When someone is secure in themselves, they’re more likely to be a supportive, stable partner rather than requiring constant validation.

One thing I always tell my clients: confidence doesn’t mean you never have insecure moments. It means you can work through those feelings without making them your partner’s responsibility to fix.

3. Excessive Drinking

Look, I’m not here to judge anyone’s relationship with alcohol, but I’ve seen how excessive drinking can completely derail promising relationships. The keyword here is “excessive” we’re not talking about enjoying a glass of wine with dinner or having fun at parties.

I remember counseling a couple where the woman’s drinking had become a major issue. “Every social event became about whether she’d embarrass us both,” her partner explained. “I started making excuses to avoid going out together.”

Signs that drinking might be affecting your attractiveness:

You regularly drink to the point of losing control of your behavior
Friends or dates have expressed concern about your drinking
You use alcohol to cope with stress, anxiety, or social situations consistently
Your personality completely changes when you drink
You can’t enjoy social events without alcohol

The concern isn’t moral judgment it’s about emotional availability and reliability. Excessive drinking often signals underlying issues with stress management, emotional regulation, or self-medication that can make someone unavailable for a healthy partnership.

If you recognize this pattern in yourself, consider reaching out to resources like SAMHSA for support and guidance.

4. Talking Condescendingly About Your Family

This one might surprise you, but it’s huge. How you talk about your family tells someone everything they needs to know about your character and values. Even if your family drives you crazy (and whose doesn’t?), constantly badmouthing them in public is a major red flag.

I’ve had male clients tell me stories like: “She spent our entire dinner complaining about how stupid her sister was and how her mom never did anything right. I kept thinking, ‘Is this how she’ll talk about me to other people?'”

Why this behavior is so off-putting:

It shows a lack of loyalty and discretion
Suggests you might gossip about partners the same way
Indicates potential issues with gratitude and perspective
Demonstrates poor conflict resolution skills
Shows an inability to maintain appropriate boundaries

Now, this doesn’t mean you can never vent about family frustrations. The key is context, audience, and frequency. Sharing genuine struggles with a close partner is normal and healthy. Constantly trashing your family to anyone who’ll listen is not.

5. Fighting In Public

Nothing kills romantic interest faster than witnessing someone completely lose control of their emotions in public. I’m not talking about having disagreements I’m talking about full-blown scenes that make everyone around you uncomfortable.

One client described a date where the woman screamed at a bartender over a drink mix-up: “I was mortified. Everyone in the restaurant was staring, and she just kept escalating. I realized I could never introduce her to my friends or family.”

What public fighting behavior looks like:

Yelling or screaming at service workers over minor issues
Creating dramatic scenes over small disagreements
Physical aggression or throwing things when angry
Unable to have calm discussions about problems
Making private relationship issues into public spectacles

The psychology here is about emotional regulation and social awareness. Someone who can’t control their reactions in public settings likely struggles with emotional management in private, too.

This doesn’t mean you need to be a doormat or never stand up for yourself. It’s about choosing your battles wisely and handling conflicts with maturity and respect.

6. Being Selfish

This is probably the biggest relationship killer I see in my practice. Selfishness goes beyond just wanting nice things for yourself it’s about consistently prioritizing your needs while ignoring or dismissing your partner’s.

I worked with a couple where the woman planned every date around her preferences, never asked about his interests, and expected him to adjust his schedule for her while rarely reciprocating. “I felt like an accessory to her life rather than a partner in our relationship,” he explained.

Signs of selfish behavior in relationships:

Making decisions that affect both of you without consultation
Expecting your partner to compromise while you never do
Only showing interest in conversations about yourself or your interests
Being consistently late or unreliable when it inconveniences others
Taking without giving back emotionally, physically, or practically

The deeper issue here is empathy and a partnership mindset. Healthy relationships require mutual consideration and the ability to see situations from your partner’s perspective.

I always tell my clients: selfishness isn’t the same as self-care. Self-care maintains your well-being so you can be present for others. Selfishness prioritizes oneself at others’ expense.

7. Using Vulgar Language

Before you roll your eyes, hear me out. This isn’t about being prudish or policing women’s language. It’s about understanding how you communicate affects how others perceive and respond to you.

I’ve had clients describe situations like: “She called the server a really nasty name when they messed up our order. The language was so harsh and demeaning it completely changed how I saw her character.”

When language becomes a turn-off:

Using degrading terms about other people regularly
Swearing excessively in inappropriate contexts (work, family events, etc.)
Being unable to express frustration without resorting to harsh language
Making others uncomfortable with consistently crude humor or comments
Using language that demeans or disrespects others

Most people swear sometimes, and that’s totally normal. The issue arises when vulgar language becomes your primary way of expressing emotions or when it consistently makes others uncomfortable.

I always remind my clients that communication is about connection, not just expression. If your language consistently pushes people away rather than drawing them closer, it might be worth examining.

8. Not Showing Care And Attentiveness

This final one might be the most important. Emotional unavailability and inattentiveness kill relationships faster than almost anything else. It signals that you’re not genuinely interested in connecting with others.

I’ve seen this play out in countless sessions: “She was always on her phone when I was talking, never remembered things I told her about my work or family, and seemed to only tune in when the conversation was about her.”

What emotional inattentiveness looks like:

Consistently checking your phone during conversations
Forgetting important details your partner shares with you
Showing little interest in their thoughts, feelings, or experiences
Being unable to offer support or comfort when they’re struggling
Only engaging deeply when the focus is on you or your interests

The psychology behind this is huge: humans have fundamental needs for feeling heard, seen, and valued. When someone consistently fails to provide attentiveness and care, it signals that they’re emotionally unavailable for a real partnership.

This doesn’t mean you need to be “on” 100% of the time or remember every detail. It’s about showing genuine interest and care for the people you’re in a relationship with.

Why These Behaviors Are Relationship Red Flags

After years of working with couples, I’ve learned that these behaviors aren’t just preferences they’re predictive indicators of relationship success or failure. Let me explain why from both psychological and practical perspectives.

They Signal Deeper Character Issues

Most of these behaviors point to underlying character traits that affect all areas of life:

Poor impulse control (excessive drinking, public fighting)
Lack of empathy (selfishness, family disrespect)
Emotional immaturity (attention-seeking, inability to self-soothe)
Low self-awareness (not recognizing impact on others)

These aren’t surface-level quirks – they’re patterns that indicate how someone approaches relationships, conflict, stress, and responsibility.

They Predict Future Relationship Dynamics

When I’m working with couples in crisis, I can often trace current problems back to early red flags that were ignored. The way someone treats waiters, talks about exes, or handles minor frustrations early in dating usually escalates in long-term relationships.

Relationships don’t exist in isolation. If your partner’s behavior embarrasses you around friends and family or makes social situations uncomfortable, it creates long-term relationship stress that’s hard to overcome.

Understanding The Psychology Behind Male Attraction

Let me share some insights from both research and clinical experience about what men are really looking for in long-term partners.

Security and Stability

Men consistently report wanting partners who make them feel emotionally safe and secure. This doesn’t mean you need to be perfect or never have problems. It means you can handle life’s challenges without completely falling apart or making everything someone else’s problem.

Emotional Intelligence

The ability to read social situations, manage your own emotions, and respond appropriately to others’ needs consistently ranks high in what men find attractive in long-term partners.

Partnership Mindset

Men want to feel like they’re building something together with someone rather than being used for emotional labor, financial support, or social status while getting little in return.

Genuine Interest and Curiosity

Being genuinely interested in your partner as a person – their thoughts, dreams, struggles, and perspectives – is incredibly attractive and relatively rare in dating.

The Difference Between Preferences and Standards

Here’s something I always clarify with my clients: there’s a big difference between shallow preferences and character-based standards.

Shallow preferences might include:

Physical appearance details
Career status or income level
Lifestyle choices that don’t affect others
Personal interests or hobbies

Character-based standards include:

How someone treats others, especially when they’re frustrated or stressed
Ability to communicate respectfully during conflict
Consistency between values and actions
Emotional availability and empathy

The behaviors we’ve discussed fall into the character category – they’re predictive of how someone will function as a partner, not just personal preferences.

How to Use This Information Constructively

If you’ve recognized yourself in any of these patterns, don’t panic or feel defensive. Self-awareness is the first step toward positive change, and the fact that you’re reading this shows you care about being a good partner.

Focus on Self-Improvement, Not Partner-Pleasing

The goal isn’t to change yourself to attract or keep someone. The goal is to become the kind of person you’d want to be in a relationship with. These improvements benefit you regardless of your dating life.

Start with One Area at a Time

Don’t try to overhaul your entire personality overnight. Pick one area that resonates with you and focus on small, consistent improvements.

Seek Professional Help When Needed

If you struggle with issues like impulse control, emotional regulation, or substance use, consider working with a therapist or counselor. Resources like Psychology Today can help you find qualified professionals in your area.

Remember That Growth is Attractive

Men consistently report being attracted to women who are actively working on themselves and growing as people. The process of self-improvement is attractive in itself.

Red Flags vs. Deal Breakers: Knowing the Difference

Not every unattractive behavior is an automatic relationship killer. Understanding the difference between red flags and deal breakers helps you respond appropriately.

Red Flags (Address but Don’t Panic)

Occasional lapses in judgment or behavior
Patterns that seem stress-related or situational
Behaviors that improve with awareness and effort
Issues that don’t affect core character or values

Deal Breakers (Serious Relationship Threats)

Consistent patterns that show no improvement despite awareness
Behaviors that indicate deeper character issues or mental health problems
Actions that make you feel unsafe or constantly uncomfortable
Patterns that affect your ability to trust or respect your partner

Building Attractive Character Traits

Let’s flip the script and talk about what you can cultivate to become more attractive as a partner:

Emotional Intelligence and Self-Awareness

Work on understanding your own emotional patterns and triggers. Apps like Headspace or Calm can help you develop mindfulness and emotional regulation skills.

Genuine Interest in Others

Practice being truly curious about other people’s experiences and perspectives. This makes you more interesting and attractive in all your relationships, not just romantic ones.

Conflict Resolution Skills

Learn healthy ways to express disagreement and work through problems. Resources like The Gottman Institute offer excellent guidance on relationship communication.

Independence and Self-Sufficiency

Develop your own interests, goals, and support systems. Being a whole person outside of relationships makes you more attractive within them.

The Cultural Context: Why This Matters Now

In our current dating culture, with apps like Tinder and Bumble making first impressions more crucial than ever, understanding what creates lasting attraction becomes even more important.

The Paradox of Choice

With so many dating options available, people are quicker to move on when they encounter behaviors that suggest incompatibility. Understanding common turn-offs helps you avoid accidentally sabotaging promising connections.

The Importance of Authenticity

Paradoxically, while it’s important to understand what others find attractive, the goal should always be authentic self-improvement rather than performance. People can sense when someone is being genuine versus putting on an act.

Platforms like Instagram and Facebook mean that your behavior and character are more visible than ever before. The way you present yourself online often influences real-world romantic opportunities.

Practical Steps for Self-Improvement

Ready to work on becoming your most attractive self? Here are concrete steps you can take:

Weekly Self-Assessment

Set aside time each week to honestly evaluate your behavior in social and romantic situations. Ask yourself:

How did I handle stress or conflict this week?
Was I genuinely interested in others or focused mainly on myself?
Did my actions align with my values and the kind of partner I want to be?

Seek Honest Feedback

Ask trusted friends for honest feedback about your behavior in social situations. Sometimes we have blind spots that others can help us see.

Practice Emotional Regulation

Develop healthy coping strategies for stress, anger, and disappointment. This might include exercise, meditation, journaling, or therapy.

Cultivate Empathy

Practice seeing situations from others’ perspectives. This improves all your relationships and makes you more attractive as a partner.

Common Myths About What Men Want

Let me debunk some persistent myths I encounter in my practice:

Myth: Men Only Care About Physical Appearance

Reality: While physical attraction matters initially, character and personality determine long-term interest and relationship success.

Myth: Being “Low-Maintenance” is Always Attractive

Reality: There’s a difference between being easy-going and neglecting yourself or the relationship. Men appreciate partners who care about themselves and the relationship.

Myth: Men Want Women to Have No Opinions or Needs

Reality: Most men are attracted to confident women, have their own thoughts and interests, and can engage in meaningful conversations.

Myth: Playing Games and Being Mysterious is Attractive

Reality: While some initial mystery can be intriguing, authentic communication and emotional availability are what create lasting connections.

The Balance Between Self-Improvement and Self-Acceptance

Here’s something crucial I always address with my clients: self-improvement should enhance who you are, not fundamentally change your personality.

Know Your Core Values

Identify what’s truly important to you and don’t compromise on core values to please others. The right person will appreciate your authentic self.

Distinguish Between Growth and Performance

Healthy self-improvement feels empowering and authentic. If you’re constantly exhausted by trying to be someone you’re not, you’re probably focusing on the wrong things.

Remember That Compatibility Matters

Not everyone will be attracted to you, and that’s perfectly okay. The goal is to be your best self so you can attract people who genuinely appreciate who you are.

When Professional Help is Needed

Sometimes the behaviors we’ve discussed indicate deeper issues that require professional support:

Signs You Might Benefit from Therapy

Difficulty controlling your emotions or behavior despite wanting to change
Patterns that significantly impact your relationships and social life
Underlying mental health issues like depression, anxiety, or trauma
Substance use problems that affect your judgment and behavior

Finding the Right Support

Resources like Psychology Today can help you find therapists who specialize in relationships, self-esteem, or specific issues you’re facing.

Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength and self-awareness, not weakness or failure.

Final Thoughts

In the end, most men aren’t looking for perfection they just want a partner who is genuine, respectful, and supportive. Avoiding these unattractive habits isn’t about changing who you are but about building a healthier and happier connection.

A positive attitude, confidence, and kindness will always shine brighter than anything else.

Start where you are, be patient with yourself, and remember that every step toward greater self-awareness and emotional maturity makes you more attractive as both a partner and a person.

Your future self (and future relationships) will thank you for the effort you put in today 🙂