Sometimes improving your marriage isn’t about doing more, it’s about stopping the destructive habits you didn’t even realize were poisoning your relationship. I learned this the hard way.
Three years into my marriage, I hit a wall. My husband and I were barely connecting. We fought constantly. I felt resentful, exhausted, and honestly?
I was convinced the problem was him. If he would just change, I thought, everything would be fine. Then I started working with couples professionally, and something uncomfortable happened: I saw myself in every struggling wife who sat across from me.
The patterns I was teaching them to break? I was doing all of them. The behaviors destroying their marriages? Yeah, those were mine too.
That realization was brutal. Nobody wants to admit they’re the problem. But here’s what I’ve learned: you can’t control your partner, but you can control yourself. And often, when you stop doing the things that damage connection, your entire marriage shifts.
This isn’t about blame or guilt. It’s about recognizing that many of us unknowingly sabotage our marriages through habits we think are normal, protective, or justified. They’re not. They’re destructive. And stopping them transforms everything.
What follows is my personal list of behaviors I had to eliminate to save my marriage. Some will be uncomfortable to read. You might see yourself in them. Good. That awareness is the first step toward change.
14 Things I Stopped Doing To Improve My Marriage
These aren’t just tips, they’re hard-won lessons from my own marriage and years of therapy practice. If you’re brave enough to look at your own behavior honestly, they’ll change your relationship too.
1. Criticizing My Partner
I used to think criticism was helping. When my husband loaded the dishwasher “wrong” or handled something differently than I would, I’d point it out. Constantly. I convinced myself I was being helpful, offering constructive feedback.
I was actually destroying his confidence and our connection. Every criticism communicated “you’re not good enough.” Over time, he stopped trying because why bother when nothing he did was right?
The research is clear: criticism is one of the Four Horsemen of relationship apocalypse. It predicts divorce better than almost anything else. Yet I was doing it daily, genuinely believing I was improving our marriage.
What I do instead:
- Assume positive intent (he’s not trying to annoy me)
- Express needs without attacking character
- Notice and appreciate what he does right
- Ask myself: “Is this criticism necessary or just me venting?”
- Use gentle start-ups instead of harsh complaints
Stopping criticism was hard. My brain automatically noticed problems. But I trained myself to notice effort, intent, and the things he did well. Our entire dynamic shifted when I stopped pointing out every perceived flaw.
Check Gottman’s Four Horsemen to identify if you’re using criticism in your relationship.
2. Holding Grudges
I kept a mental ledger of every time my husband disappointed me, hurt me, or fell short. Then during unrelated arguments, I’d bring up things from six months ago. Two years ago. Whenever I needed ammunition, the ledger opened.
This prevented any real resolution or healing. We couldn’t move forward because I kept dragging the past into every present conflict. My husband felt like he could never escape his mistakes, and honestly? He was right.
Holding grudges gave me a false sense of control and moral superiority. It also guaranteed we’d never build real trust because I was constantly reminding both of us that trust had been broken.
How I stopped:
- Dealt with issues when they happened, not months later
- Actually forgave instead of just saying I did
- Stopped weaponizing past mistakes during fights
- Let go of resentment through journaling and therapy
- Remembered my own imperfections
FYI, forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or accepting continued bad behavior. It means releasing resentment so you can both move forward. Use Headspace for forgiveness meditations if this is hard for you.
3. Comparing My Marriage To Others
Social media turned me into a comparison machine. Every couple’s vacation photo, anniversary post, or romantic gesture made me question my own marriage. Why didn’t my husband surprise me like that? Why didn’t we look that happy?
I was comparing my behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel. Spoiler: that’s a recipe for perpetual dissatisfaction.
Comparison killed my gratitude. Instead of appreciating what I had, I focused on what I perceived as lacking. I created impossible standards based on curated glimpses of other people’s relationships, relationships I knew nothing about beneath the surface.
Breaking the comparison habit:
- Significantly reduced social media consumption
- Stopped following accounts that triggered comparison
- Focused on my relationship’s strengths instead of perceived gaps
- Remembered that every marriage has struggles not visible publicly
- Celebrated our unique dynamic instead of wanting someone else’s
Every marriage is different. What works for other couples might not work for yours. What looks perfect externally might be disaster internally. Stop comparing and start appreciating.
4. Expecting Mind Reading
I genuinely believed love meant automatic understanding. If my husband really loved me, I thought, he’d just know what I needed without me saying anything. When he didn’t, I took it as proof he didn’t care enough.
This is magical thinking that destroys marriages. Nobody reads minds. Not even people who love you desperately. Expecting it creates constant disappointment and makes your partner feel like they’re constantly failing.
I had to learn that clear communication is love, not the enemy of it. Telling my husband what I need doesn’t make it less meaningful when he does it. It actually makes it more likely he can meet my needs successfully.
Communication shifts I made:
- State needs directly: “I need help with dinner tonight”
- Share feelings clearly: “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need support”
- Make requests specific: “Can you take the kids for an hour so I can rest?”
- Stop dropping hints and expecting him to decode them
- Appreciate when he responds to clear communication
Use apps like Paired or Lasting for communication exercises that help you express needs clearly.
5. Avoiding Difficult Conversations
I used to think avoiding conflict kept the peace. Whenever money, family issues, or relationship problems came up, I’d change the subject, shut down, or insist everything was fine.
Avoiding difficult conversations doesn’t prevent problems, it allows them to fester and grow until they explode. The “peace” I was keeping was actually just suppressed conflict waiting to detonate.
I had to learn that short-term discomfort beats long-term resentment. Having the hard conversation now prevents having a divorce conversation later.
How I approach difficult topics now:
- Schedule dedicated time for important discussions
- Use “I feel” statements to express concerns
- Stay curious about my husband’s perspective
- Take breaks if emotions escalate beyond productive
- Focus on understanding, not winning
- Follow up after conversations to ensure resolution
Check Gottman Institute resources for conflict resolution techniques that make hard conversations more productive.
6. Keeping Score
I tracked everything. Who did more housework. Who initiated sex last. Who compromised more. Who apologized first. I kept a running mental tally of our relationship’s “fairness.”
Scorekeeping turns marriage into competition. You’re no longer partners, you’re opponents trying to prove who contributes more or sacrifices more. This creates resentment on both sides and destroys generosity.
The irony? My husband was probably keeping score too, and our tallies never matched. We both felt like we were giving more than we got because that’s how scorekeeping works, it emphasizes your contributions while minimizing your partner’s.
Eliminating scorekeeping:
- Give without expectation of immediate reciprocity
- Trust that balance happens over time, not daily
- Recognize contributions I wasn’t seeing before
- Focus on what I can give, not what I’m getting
- Discuss division of labor directly instead of silently resenting
Marriage is collaboration, not competition. When you stop keeping score, you start seeing your partner as teammate instead of opponent 🙂
7. Ignoring My Partner’s Needs
I was so focused on whether my needs were met that I barely considered his. I expected him to anticipate my needs while ignoring signals about what he needed from me.
This created one-sided dynamics where everything revolved around my emotional state, my stress, my preferences. My husband’s needs were background noise I occasionally acknowledged but rarely prioritized.
When I started genuinely asking what he needed and following through, everything changed. He felt seen. He reciprocated more naturally. Our relationship became actually mutual instead of just theoretically so.
Meeting his needs practically:
- Asked directly what he needed to feel loved and valued
- Learned and spoke his love language
- Made his priorities my priorities sometimes
- Showed interest in his hobbies and passions
- Created space for him to be himself, not just “husband”
Meeting your partner’s needs doesn’t diminish you. It strengthens your bond and creates the reciprocity you’ve been demanding.
8. Multitasking During Quality Time
I was physically present but mentally absent. During “together time,” I’d scroll my phone, check emails, mentally plan tomorrow, or half-watch TV while half-listening to my husband talk.
He could feel the difference between my body being there and my attention being there. So could I when he did the same to me. We were coexisting, not connecting.
Quality time isn’t about duration, it’s about focus. Ten minutes of undivided attention beats two hours of distracted coexistence.
Creating real presence:
- Put phones in another room during dinner and evening time
- Make eye contact during conversations
- Actively listen instead of planning responses
- Engage fully in shared activities
- Notice when I’m distracted and redirect attention
Use Forest app to gamify staying off your phone during quality time. Or just put the damn thing in a drawer.
9. Neglecting Self-Care
I gave everything to my marriage while neglecting myself, thinking that was what good wives do. I skipped workouts, stopped seeing friends, abandoned hobbies, and ran myself into the ground.
Then I was exhausted, resentful, and had nothing left to give. I blamed my husband for my unhappiness when really, I’d sacrificed myself unnecessarily and expected him to fill the void.
Self-care isn’t selfish, it’s necessary. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself makes you a better partner because you have actual energy, positivity, and presence to bring to the relationship.
Self-care I prioritize now:
- Regular exercise (even just walks)
- Maintaining friendships outside marriage
- Hobbies that energize me
- Therapy for my own issues
- Adequate sleep and downtime
- Boundaries that protect my wellbeing
IMO, the “sacrificial wife” narrative destroys marriages. Both partners need to be whole, healthy individuals who choose each other, not codependent people who’ve lost themselves.
10. Dismissing My Partner’s Feelings
When my husband expressed hurt or frustration, I’d immediately defend, explain, or minimize. “You’re being too sensitive.” “That’s not what I meant.” “You’re overreacting.”
I was essentially telling him his emotional experience was wrong. That he wasn’t allowed to feel what he felt. This created emotional distance where he stopped sharing because what was the point?
Learning to validate feelings, even when I didn’t understand or agree with them, transformed our emotional intimacy. He started opening up more because he knew I’d listen without judgment.
Validation without agreement:
- “That makes sense given your perspective”
- “I can see why you’d feel that way”
- “Tell me more about what you’re experiencing”
- Resist the urge to immediately defend or explain
- Acknowledge feelings before discussing facts
Validation doesn’t require agreement. It just requires acknowledging that your partner’s feelings are real and legitimate from their perspective.
11. Letting Small Issues Pile Up
I avoided addressing minor annoyances, thinking I was being easy-going. Then six months later, I’d explode over something trivial because it represented six months of accumulated irritation.
Small issues don’t disappear when you ignore them. They compound. They create resentment. They make you disproportionately angry about things that could have been easily resolved if you’d addressed them when they were actually small.
Now I address things when they’re still manageable. “Hey, can we talk about the dishes?” is way easier than “YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING AND I’M SICK OF IT.”
Addressing issues early:
Bring up concerns when they first bother me
- Use gentle, specific language
- Focus on behavior, not character
- Assume we can find solutions together
- Appreciate when changes happen
Early, gentle addressing prevents explosive conflicts later. It’s uncomfortable initially but way less painful than letting things fester.
12. Speaking Negatively About My Partner To Others
I used to vent to friends and family about my husband’s shortcomings. It felt good temporarily, but it poisoned how they viewed him and how I viewed him.
Every complaint I shared reinforced negative perceptions. My family started seeing him through my complaints’ lens. I started believing my own narrative of him as the problem.
Venting to others instead of addressing issues with my husband also created disconnection. He wasn’t given a chance to respond, explain, or change. Meanwhile, everyone else had opinions about our private relationship.
Protecting our relationship:
Process frustrations through journaling or therapy
- Address issues directly with my husband
- Speak positively about him to others (or say nothing)
- Seek couples counseling when we can’t resolve things alone
- Keep our private business private
Find a therapist through Psychology Today or BetterHelp instead of making your marriage everyone’s business.
13. Withholding Affection
When I was upset, I’d withdraw affection as punishment. No touching, no kindness, cold shoulder until he “fixed” whatever upset me. I thought this communicated my displeasure clearly.
It actually just created more distance and prevented resolution. Physical affection is how many people feel loved and safe. Withholding it punishes both people and makes reconciliation harder.
I learned that staying connected physically, even during conflict, keeps the door open for emotional resolution. A hug doesn’t mean you agree. It means you’re still a team even when you disagree.
Maintaining connection during conflict:
- Initiate or accept physical touch even when upset
- Use gentle touch during difficult conversations
- Don’t weaponize affection by withholding it
- Remember you’re angry at behavior, not the person
- Physical connection facilitates emotional repair
Affection during conflict sounds counterintuitive, but it reminds you both that you’re partners working through something, not enemies.
14. Reacting Instead Of Responding
My immediate reactions during conflict were rarely helpful. I’d snap, yell, say hurtful things, or storm out. I let emotions drive my behavior without filtering through rational thought first.
Reactive responses escalate conflicts and damage trust. They’re driven by amygdala hijack, your emotional brain taking over before your rational brain can engage. You say things you regret, create hurt that requires repair, and solve nothing.
Learning to respond instead of react saved countless arguments. Responding means pausing, breathing, and choosing your words instead of just unleashing whatever you feel.
Responding vs. reacting:
- Pause and breathe before speaking when emotional
- Ask for a timeout if emotions are too high
- Choose words deliberately instead of saying first thing that comes
- Focus on solving the problem, not winning the fight
- Repair immediately if you slip back into reactivity
Try Calm app for breath work exercises that help you pause before reacting.
Final Comments
Stopping destructive habits is harder than adding positive ones because it means admitting you’ve been part of the problem. That’s uncomfortable, blaming your partner is easier.
But when you change yourself, your marriage changes too. Not instantly, but steadily and meaningfully. Progress isn’t perfect. You’ll slip up, but awareness lets you correct course instead of repeating old patterns.
Your marriage doesn’t need perfection, just willingness to own your part and do better. That’s what truly transforms relationships.
Start with one behavior that stands out or causes the most damage. Focus on that, then add another.
Now go look in the mirror instead of at your partner. That’s where your power to change things actually lives.
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