10 Signs of a Bad Marriage

That sinking feeling in your stomach when you hear your spouse’s car in the driveway? Yeah, that’s not normal. Neither is preferring to work late just to avoid going home, or feeling more excited about your dentist appointment than your anniversary dinner.

I’ve been working with couples for over fifteen years, and I can tell you this: recognizing the signs of a bad marriage isn’t about being negative, it’s about being honest. Some couples come to my office thinking they’re just going through a “rough patch,” only to discover they’ve been living in relationship quicksand for years.

Here’s what I want you to know right off the bat: not every marriage that hits a rough spot is doomed. But ignoring the warning signs? That’s like ignoring smoke and hoping there’s no fire. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself and your spouse is to face the truth about what’s really happening in your relationship.

Whether you’re here because you’re questioning your own marriage or trying to help a friend, I’m going to walk you through the real signs that a marriage has gone off track. No sugar-coating, no false hope, just honest insights from someone who’s seen it all.

What Does A Bad Marriage Look Like?

A bad marriage isn’t just about big dramatic fights or obvious betrayals. Most of the time, it’s more like emotional erosion, the slow wearing away of love, respect, and connection until you’re left with two people who happen to share a mortgage and maybe some kids.

Think of it like this: good marriages have problems, but bad marriages ARE the problem. In healthy relationships, couples face challenges together. In unhealthy ones, the couples become challenges to each other.

Bad marriages typically involve a toxic mix of dishonesty, resentment, neglect, and contempt.

These aren’t temporary states, they become the default way you operate together. You stop being partners and start being opponents, or worse, complete strangers who share living space.

I’ve watched couples sit in my office, unable to look at each other, both wondering how they got to this point. The answer is usually the same: death by a thousand cuts. Small hurts, unresolved conflicts, and unmet needs that pile up until the foundation crumbles.

The scariest part? Many people in bad marriages have convinced themselves it’s normal. They think this is just what long-term relationships look like. Spoiler alert: it’s not.

10 Signs Of A Bad Marriage

Let me break down the warning signs I see most often in my practice. Some might surprise you, others will probably feel like a punch to the gut if you recognize them in your own relationship.

1.  You Don’t Communicate Anymore

When I ask couples “How’s your communication?” and they both laugh bitterly, I know we’ve got problems. Real communication died somewhere along the way, replaced by logistics, arguments, or worse, complete silence. You know communication is dead when:

• Conversations revolve only around schedules, bills, and kids
• You’ve stopped sharing your thoughts, dreams, or daily experiences  
• One or both of you have given up trying to be understood
• You communicate more with your barista than your spouse

This isn’t just about talking less, its about emotional disconnection. You stop being curious about each other, you stop caring about each other’s inner worlds, you become roommates instead of lovers.

I’ve had clients tell me they know more about their coworker’s weekend plans than their spouse’s hopes for the future. When you stop sharing your real self with your partner, the relationship becomes a shell of what it once was.

Ever notice how you can talk for hours with a good friend but struggle to have a five-minute meaningful conversation with your spouse? That’s not normal, and it’s definitely not sustainable.

2.  Physical Intimacy Has Completely Disappeared

Let’s address the elephant in the room: sex matters in marriage. I’m not talking about temporary dry spells due to stress, new babies, or health issues. I’m talking about the complete absence of physical connection and desire.

Red flags in this area include:

• Neither of you initiates physical contact anymore  
• You actively avoid opportunities for intimacy
• Physical touch feels forced or obligatory
• You both seem relieved when the other isn’t interested

But here’s what most people don’t realize: the problem usually isn’t physical, it’s emotional.

When you don’t feel connected, respected, or valued by your spouse, physical intimacy becomes impossible.

I’ve worked with couples who haven’t been intimate in years, and it’s rarely about attraction or physical ability. It’s about feeling safe, loved, and desired by someone who’s become a stranger or, worse, someone who treats you poorly.

The absence of physical intimacy often signals deeper issues: resentment, contempt, or complete emotional disconnection. Your body is just responding to what your heart already knows.

3.  Affairs (Physical or Emotional) Have Entered The Picture

Nothing says “this marriage is in trouble” quite like seeking connection outside of it. Affairs don’t happen in happy marriages, they happen when people feel neglected, unappreciated, or unloved at home.

This includes:

• Physical affairs (obvious, but worth stating)
• Emotional affairs (deeper connections with others than with your spouse)  
• Online relationships that provide what your marriage doesn’t
• Constantly fantasizing about being with someone else

Here’s the thing about affairs: they’re usually symptoms, not causes. People don’t cheat because they’re bad people, they cheat because their marriage isn’t meeting their fundamental emotional needs.

That said, affairs create a devastating breach of trust that’s incredibly difficult to repair. Even if the underlying marriage problems get addressed, rebuilding trust after betrayal requires both partners to be fully committed to healing.

I’ve seen marriages survive affairs, but only when both people acknowledge that the affair was a symptom of deeper problems and commit to addressing those root issues together.

4.  You Actively Avoid Spending Time Together

Quality time is the lifeblood of marriage, and when couples start avoiding each other, the relationship suffocates slowly. This isn’t about being busy, it’s about preferring to be busy rather than together.

Warning signs include:

• Working late to avoid coming home
• Making social plans that deliberately exclude your spouse
• Feeling relieved when your partner travels or has other commitments  
• Choosing separate activities even when you could do things together  
• Using kids, hobbies, or work as buffers to avoid one-on-one time

The most heartbreaking part: couples often convince themselves this is healthy independence. But there’s a difference between having your own interests and actively avoiding your spouse’s company.

When you consistently choose anything over spending time with your partner, you’re sending a clear message about the value of your relationship. More importantly, you’re missing opportunities to reconnect and rebuild your bond.

I tell couples: if you wouldn’t choose to spend time with your spouse if you weren’t married to them, that’s a problem worth examining.

5.  Conflict Has Completely Stopped

Wait, what? Isn’t fighting a sign of a bad marriage? Actually, the absence of conflict can be even worse than too much fighting. When couples stop arguing, it usually means one or both people have given up.

Healthy relationships have disagreements because:

• Both people care enough to express their needs
• They believe their opinions matter to their partner  
• They think the relationship is worth fighting for

When fighting stops, it often means:

• You’ve decided your partner will never understand or change  
• You no longer care enough to try to work things out
• You’ve emotionally checked out of the relationship  
• You’re conserving energy for an eventual exit

I’ve worked with couples who describe their relationship as “peaceful” because they never fight anymore. But when I dig deeper, I find two people living parallel lives, carefully avoiding any topics that might lead to conflict.

That’s not peace, that’s emotional death. Healthy couples can disagree and work through conflicts because they’re invested in finding solutions together.

6.  Neither Of You Is Interested In Working On The Marriage

This is often the clearest sign that a marriage is truly over. When both people stop trying, the relationship becomes a sinking ship with no one willing to bail out the water.

You know you’re here when:

• Suggestions for couples therapy are met with eye rolls or refusal  
• Neither person is willing to change their behavior
• You both seem more interested in being right than being happy  
• The effort required to fix things feels overwhelming
• You’re both secretly or openly considering exit strategies

Here’s the brutal truth: marriages require ongoing maintenance, just like cars or houses. When both people stop doing the work, everything breaks down eventually.

I can’t save a marriage where neither person wants to be saved. The desire to fight for your relationship has to come from within, and when that’s gone, there’s often no path forward.

The saddest part is watching couples who once loved each other deeply reach this point of mutual indifference. It’s like watching a fire burn out because no one wants to add fuel to keep it going.

7.  Work, Social Media, Or Other Activities Take Priority

When anything consistently takes priority over your marriage, you’re essentially saying that other things matter more than your relationship. This includes work, social media, hobbies, friends, or even your children.

Red flags in this area:

• Spending more emotional energy on work than on your spouse
• Being more engaged with social media than real-life conversations  
• Using activities as an escape from relationship problems
• Feeling more excited about anything other than coming home

Don’t get me wrong, having interests outside your marriage is healthy. But when those interests become a substitute for marital connection, you’ve crossed into dangerous territory.

I’ve worked with people who know more about their coworkers’ personal lives than their spouse’s dreams and fears. That’s not balance, that’s avoidance.

Your marriage should enhance your other activities, not compete with them. When you find yourself consistently choosing anything over quality time with your spouse, ask yourself what you’re really running from.

8.  Complete Disinterest In Your Partner’s Life

When you stop being curious about the person you married, the relationship becomes a hollow shell. This goes beyond not talking, it’s about not caring what your spouse thinks, feels, dreams, or experiences.

This looks like:

• Not asking about their day (and not caring about the answer)  
• Having no idea what’s stressing them or making them happy  
• Not knowing their current goals, fears, or interests

Feeling bored or annoyed when they try to share with you  Making no effort to support their dreams or ambitions

People change throughout their lives, and healthy couples stay curious about who their partner is becoming. When that curiosity dies, you’re essentially living with a stranger you used to know.

I’ve had couples in my office who can’t tell me basic information about each other’s current life situation. They’re like two people who happened to get married years ago but never bothered to keep getting to know each other.

The person you married is not the same person sitting next to you today, and that should excite you, not bore you. When it starts feeling like a chore to learn about your spouse’s inner world, the relationship is in serious trouble.

9.  Your Spouse Isn’t In Your Future Plans

This one is particularly telling. When you imagine your future, does your spouse naturally appear in those visions? Or do you find yourself planning a life that doesn’t include them?

Warning signs include:

• Making long-term plans without considering your spouse’s input  
• Fantasizing about life as a single person
• Feeling more excited about solo goals than shared dreams  
• Unable to envision growing old together
• Planning “escape routes” financially or emotionally

Healthy couples dream together. They may have individual goals, but they also share visions of their future as a team. When your spouse stops appearing in your mental picture of tomorrow, your heart has already started leaving the relationship.

I ask couples to tell me about their dreams for the next five years. When people can’t include their spouse in those dreams, or worse, when they can only imagine being happy without their spouse, it’s a clear sign the marriage is over emotionally, even if it continues legally.

Your spouse should be your chosen partner in building the life you want. When that stops being true, you’re essentially roommates with a shared past but no shared future.

10.  You Feel Consistently Unloved And Unappreciated

This is perhaps the most painful sign of all. Feeling unloved in your marriage is like slowly dying of emotional starvation while sitting at a table that should be full of nourishment.

You know you’re here when:

• Your efforts go unnoticed or unappreciated
• You feel like you’re giving more than you’re receiving  
• Your spouse seems indifferent to your happiness
• You question whether you matter to them at all  
• You feel lonely even when you’re together

Love is an action, not just a feeling. When your spouse consistently fails to show love through their words, actions, and attention, the relationship becomes a source of pain rather than comfort.

I’ve worked with people who’ve spent years trying to earn love from someone who’s become incapable of giving it. You shouldn’t have to convince someone to love, appreciate, or value you.

The most heartbreaking part is watching someone gradually lose their sense of self-worth because their spouse treats them as if they don’t matter. No one deserves to feel unloved in their marriage, not for months, and certainly not for years.

5 Ways To Fix A Bad Marriage

Before you start planning your exit strategy, let me share some hope. Not every bad marriage is beyond repair. I’ve seen couples come back from the brink when both people are genuinely committed to doing the hard work. Here’s what actually works:

1.  Acknowledge Your Part (Both Of You)

Marriage problems are rarely 100% one person’s fault. Yes, even if your spouse had an affair or did something obviously wrong, there were likely underlying issues that contributed to the breakdown of your relationship.

This doesn’t mean blaming yourself for your partner’s bad choices. It means taking honest inventory of your own contributions to the relationship’s problems. Maybe you:

• Stopped expressing appreciation for your spouse
• Became critical or contemptuous in your communication  
• Withdrew emotionally when things got difficult
• Put work, kids, or other priorities ahead of your marriage  
• Failed to address problems before they became crises

Real accountability requires vulnerability and humility. It means saying “I contributed to our problems by…” instead of “Well, you did this, so I did that.”

I use tools like Gottman’s Four Horsemen assessment to help couples identify specific harmful patterns they’ve both fallen into. Change starts with awareness, and awareness requires honesty about your own behavior.

2.  Both People Must Decide To Commit To Change

One person cannot save a marriage. I don’t care how motivated, loving, or determined you are, if your spouse isn’t equally committed to rebuilding your relationship, you’re fighting a losing battle.

True commitment means:

• Both people agree the marriage is worth saving
• Both are willing to do uncomfortable work to change  
• Both take responsibility for their part in the problems  
• Both prioritize the relationship over being right
• Both commit to specific, measurable changes in behavior

I can spot a doomed marriage counseling case from the first session. It’s usually the one where one person drags the other in, or where one person sits with their arms crossed, participating only because they were given an ultimatum.

Successful marriage repair requires what I call “mutual desperation”, both people have to want to save the marriage more than they want to protect their ego or avoid difficult conversations.

3.  Show Up Consistently (Even When You Don’t Feel Like It)

Commitment isn’t a feeling, it’s a daily choice. Some days you’ll wake up motivated to work on your marriage. Other days you’ll want to give up. The couples who succeed choose to show up consistently regardless of how they feel.

This means:

• Following through on commitments you make in therapy
• Practicing new communication skills even when you’re frustrated  
• Choosing kindness over being right in daily interactions
• Making time for your relationship even when life gets busy
• Supporting your spouse’s efforts to change, even when progress is slow

I tell couples that feelings follow actions, not the other way around. You don’t wait until you feel loving to act loving, you act loving and let the feelings catch up.

Apps like Lasting or Paired can help you stay consistent with daily relationship-building activities, even when motivation is low.

4.  Rebuild Communication From The Ground Up

Most couples think they know how to communicate, but they’re actually experts at miscommunication. Real communication involves listening to understand, not listening to respond or defend.

Start with these basics:

• Daily check-ins: Spend 15 minutes each day sharing something meaningful about your inner experience
• Speaker-listener technique: One person talks while the other listens and reflects back what they heard
• No phones rule: When you’re talking, put all devices away and make eye contact
• Curiosity over judgment: Ask questions to understand rather than making assumptions
• Repair attempts: Learn to de-escalate when conversations get heated

I recommend Nonviolent Communication techniques for couples who’ve developed harmful communication patterns. The goal isn’t to never disagree, it’s to disagree respectfully and productively.

Tools like Relish offer structured communication exercises that can help couples practice these skills in a safe environment.

5.  Get Professional Help (Seriously, Do It)

There’s no shame in admitting you need help. In fact, the couples who seek professional support early often have better outcomes than those who wait until their marriage is hanging by a thread.

A good therapist can:

• Help you identify patterns you can’t see on your own
• Teach you specific skills for better communication and conflict resolution  
• Provide a safe space to address difficult topics
• Hold both people accountable for making changes  
• Help you process past hurts and build new trust

Not all therapists are created equal. Look for someone who specializes in couples work and uses evidence-based approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or the Gottman Method.

If traditional therapy isn’t accessible, consider online options like BetterHelp or Talkspace for couples counseling. The important thing is getting started, not finding the perfect therapist immediately.

Final Thoughts

Recognizing the signs of a bad marriage is crucial to protecting your emotional well-being and deciding the best way forward. Issues like constant criticism, lack of intimacy, poor communication, or disrespect are not just small problems, they’re red flags that need attention.

While every relationship has challenges, ignoring these warning signs can lead to resentment and unhappiness. By acknowledging them early, couples have the chance to seek help, rebuild trust, or make choices that align with their peace and happiness.

A marriage should uplift, not drain, and knowing the signs helps you guard your heart. Sometimes love means letting go :/