Let me tell you something, after years of helping couples navigate their relationships, I’ve seen marriages survive infidelity, financial ruin, and major life crises. But you know what I’ve also seen? Marriages completely implode over things that seemed manageable at first but turned into deal breakers over time.

The thing about marriage deal breakers is that they’re often not the dramatic, obvious red flags you see in movies. They’re usually the slow-burn issues that chip away at your foundation until one day you wake up and realize you can’t live with this anymore.

Here’s what might surprise you: deal breakers aren’t universal. What ends one marriage might be a minor annoyance in another. But there are certain patterns I’ve observed over the years, behaviors and attitudes that consistently poison relationships and leave couples feeling hopeless.

Ready to get real about what actually ruins marriages? Let’s talk about the deal breakers that matter, why they’re so destructive, and how to know when you’re dealing with a relationship- ending issue versus something you can work through together.

What Are Marriage Deal Breakers?

Marriage deal breakers are fundamental incompatibilities or behaviors that make a healthy, sustainable marriage impossible. They’re different from everyday annoyances or temporary problems because they strike at the core of what makes a marriage work.

True deal breakers share these characteristics:

• They violate your core values or non-negotiables
• They create an unsafe environment (physically or emotionally)  
• They show a complete unwillingness to change or compromise  
• They fundamentally damage trust and respect
• They prevent genuine intimacy and connection

What deal breakers are NOT:

• Temporary bad habits that can be changed
• Personality differences that can be negotiated  
• Situational stressors (job loss, illness, etc.)
• Minor lifestyle incompatibilities
• Things that bother you but don’t harm the relationship foundation

The key distinction: Deal breakers make it impossible to have the kind of marriage both people deserve, one built on love, respect, trust, and mutual support.

FYI, recognizing deal breakers isn’t about being picky or unrealistic. It’s about understanding what you need to thrive in a long-term partnership.

The Top 15 Marriage Deal Breakers

Based on my experience working with couples and research on relationship dissolution, here are the most common marriage deal breakers that actually end relationships.

1.  Abuse of Any Kind

Physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, or financial abuse is always a deal breaker. Period. No exceptions, no “but he’s working on it,” no “she only does it when she’s stressed.”

Signs of abuse include:

• Physical violence or threats of violence
• Constant criticism, humiliation, or put-downs
• Controlling behavior (monitoring, isolating, financial control)  
• Sexual coercion or assault
• Destroying your property or threatening pets  
• Making you feel afraid or walking on eggshells

The reality: Abuse escalates over time and rarely stops without professional intervention. Your safety is non-negotiable, and no amount of love or commitment justifies staying in an abusive situation.

If you’re experiencing abuse, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for support and resources.

2.  Active Addiction Without Treatment

Untreated addiction to substances, gambling, pornography, or other compulsive behaviors destroys marriages because the addiction always comes first.

Why this is a deal breaker:

• Addicted partners are emotionally unavailable
• Trust gets destroyed through lies and broken promises
• Family resources get depleted (financial, emotional, time)  
• Children’s safety and wellbeing get compromised
• The non-addicted partner becomes an enabler or caretaker

Important distinction: Addiction with genuine, sustained recovery efforts isn’t automatically a deal breaker. Active, untreated addiction with no acknowledgment or effort to change is.

3.  Chronic Infidelity

One affair might be survivable with work; a pattern of cheating usually isn’t. Serial cheaters demonstrate a fundamental lack of respect for the marriage and their partner.

Signs of chronic infidelity:

• Multiple affairs or ongoing emotional affairs
• No genuine remorse or accountability
• Continuing risky behaviors (secret social media, inappropriate friendships)  
• Blaming you for their cheating
• Unwillingness to do the work to rebuild trust

The truth: Rebuilding trust after infidelity requires genuine remorse, complete transparency, and sustained effort. Without those elements, you’re just enabling more betrayal.

4.  Financial Irresponsibility and Deception

Money issues destroy marriages, especially when one partner is consistently irresponsible with finances or lies about money.

Deal breaker financial behaviors:

• Hiding debts, accounts, or spending  
• Gambling away family money
• Refusing to work or contribute financially
• Making major financial decisions without consultation
• Consistently spending beyond your means despite agreements

Why this matters: Financial partnership requires trust and shared responsibility. When one partner repeatedly jeopardizes the family’s financial security, they’re endangering everyone’s future.

5.  Refusal to Address Mental Health Issues

Untreated mental health conditions that affect the marriage can become deal breakers when the person refuses to seek help or manage their condition.

This includes:

• Severe depression that prevents participation in the marriage  
• Untreated anxiety that controls family decisions
• Personality disorders that create chaos and instability  
• Anger management issues that create fear
• Any mental health condition that affects safety

Important note: Having mental health challenges isn’t a deal breaker, refusing to address them or manage them responsibly is.

Mental health resources are available through Psychology Today or BetterHelp for online support.

6.  Complete Lack of Intimacy

When physical and emotional intimacy disappears entirely and one partner refuses to work on it, marriages become roommate situations rather than romantic partnerships.

This looks like:

• No physical affection or sexual intimacy for extended periods
• Refusal to discuss intimacy issues
• Complete emotional withdrawal from the relationship
• No interest in connecting or spending quality time together  
• Making spouse feel unwanted or rejected consistently

The key: Temporary intimacy issues due to stress, illness, or life circumstances are normal. Permanent rejection of intimacy is a deal breaker.

7.  Fundamental Value Differences

Core value conflicts that can’t be reconciled often surface after marriage and can be relationship- ending.

Common value conflicts:

• Different approaches to parenting that can’t be negotiated  
• Religious or spiritual differences that affect daily life
• Completely different views on money, career, or lifestyle  
• Disagreements about family priorities and loyalties
• Opposite views on major life decisions (where to live, whether to have kids)

When it becomes a deal breaker: When these differences create constant conflict and neither person is willing to compromise or find middle ground.

8.  Chronic Dishonesty

Pathological lying destroys the foundation of trust that marriages require to survive.

This includes:

• Lying about daily activities, whereabouts, or interactions  
• Fabricating stories or experiences
• Hiding important information consistently  
• Creating elaborate deceptions
• Lying even about minor, inconsequential things

Why this is devastating: Marriage requires trust to function. When you can’t believe anything your partner says, you can’t build a life together.

9.  Emotional Unavailability

Partners who consistently refuse to engage emotionally make real intimacy impossible.

Signs of emotional unavailability:

• Refusing to discuss feelings or relationship issues
• Shutting down during conflicts instead of working through them  
• Showing no empathy or emotional support during difficult times  
• Making partner feel alone even when physically present
• Prioritizing everything else over the relationship

The impact: Emotional connection is the foundation of marriage. Without it, you’re just cohabitating strangers.

10.  Disrespect Toward You or Others

Chronic disrespect shows a fundamental lack of regard for you as a person and partner.

This includes:

• Public humiliation or embarrassment
• Dismissing your thoughts, feelings, or opinions consistently  
• Name-calling, mocking, or belittling behavior
• Disrespecting your family, friends, or things you care about  
• Treating service workers, children, or animals poorly

Why this matters: Respect is non-negotiable in healthy relationships. Disrespectful partners don’t change, they escalate.

11.  Unwillingness to Grow or Change

Partners who refuse to work on themselves or the relationship create stagnation and resentment.

This looks like:

• Refusing couples therapy or individual counseling
• Denying any personal responsibility for relationship problems  
• Saying “this is just who I am” about harmful behaviors
• Making no effort to improve communication or connection  
• Resisting any attempts at positive change

The reality: All relationships require growth and adaptation. Partners who refuse to evolve doom the marriage to stagnation and eventual failure.

12.  Controlling Behavior

Excessive control and jealousy create prison-like marriages that destroy individual identity and autonomy.

Controlling behaviors include:

• Monitoring your activities, communications, or whereabouts  
• Isolating you from friends and family
• Making unilateral decisions about your life  
• Financial control or restriction
• Emotional manipulation to get compliance

The truth: Healthy marriages are partnerships between equals, not power struggles where one person dominates the other.

13.  Neglecting Parental Responsibilities

Partners who consistently fail their children create family chaos and put unfair burden on the other parent.

This includes:

• Refusing to participate in childcare or household responsibilities
• Being consistently absent from important events
• Making parenting decisions that endanger children’s wellbeing  
• Using children as weapons during conflicts
• Showing favoritism or emotional neglect toward children

Why this is a deal breaker: Children’s wellbeing comes first, and partners who consistently fail as parents are failing the entire family.

14.  Sexual Incompatibility With Refusal to Address It

Major sexual incompatibility combined with unwillingness to work on it can end marriages.

This might include:

• Completely different sexual needs or desires
• Sexual behavior that makes you uncomfortable  
• Using sex as a weapon or control mechanism
• Infidelity justified by sexual dissatisfaction  
• Refusal to discuss or work on sexual issues

Important note: Sexual issues are often workable with effort and communication. The deal breaker is the refusal to address the problems.

15.  Different Life Goals That Can’t Be Reconciled

Fundamental disagreements about the future that both partners feel strongly about.

Examples:

• One wants children, the other doesn’t
• Career ambitions that require incompatible lifestyles  
• Disagreement about caring for aging parents
• Different retirement or lifestyle goals
• Geographic preferences that affect career or family

When it’s a deal breaker: When both people have strong, non-negotiable feelings about incompatible futures.

How to Identify Your Own Deal Breakers

Knowing your deal breakers before you need them is crucial for protecting your wellbeing and making clear-headed decisions about your marriage.

Reflect on Your Core Values

Your deal breakers should align with your fundamental values about how people should treat each other and what makes life meaningful.

Ask yourself:

• What behaviors would make me lose respect for my partner?  
• What actions would make me feel unsafe or unloved?
• What values are so important to me that I couldn’t compromise?  
• What kind of example do I want to set for my children?
• What would make me unable to look at myself in the mirror?

Consider Your Non-Negotiables

Non-negotiables are different from preferences, they’re requirements for your wellbeing and happiness.

Examples of non-negotiables might include:

• Physical and emotional safety  
• Fidelity and sexual exclusivity  
• Mutual respect and kindness  
• Shared financial responsibility
• Active participation in parenting

 Emotional availability and communication

Think Long-Term

Consider how current issues might evolve over time. Small problems often become big problems without intervention.

Questions to ask:

• Is this behavior likely to get worse or better over time?  
• Can I live with this for 20+ more years?
• How is this affecting my mental and physical health?  
• What example am I setting for my children?
• Am I enabling harmful behavior by accepting it?

Trust Your Gut Feelings

Your instincts are usually right about deal breakers. If something feels fundamentally wrong, pay attention to that feeling.

Warning signs from your intuition:

• Feeling consistently unhappy, anxious, or walking on eggshells  
• Fantasizing about life without your partner
• Feeling ashamed about your relationship
• Making excuses for your partner’s behavior
• Losing yourself trying to fix the relationship

For professional guidance in identifying your values and deal breakers, consider working with a therapist through Talkspace or finding local counselors on Psychology Today.

When Deal Breakers Become Apparent After Marriage

Discovering deal breakers after marriage is devastating but unfortunately common. People change, hide aspects of themselves during dating, or life circumstances reveal character flaws.

Don’t Ignore Red Flags

The biggest mistake people make is hoping deal breakers will resolve themselves. They rarely do without significant intervention and genuine commitment to change.

Common rationalizations that keep people stuck:

• “They’ll change once we’re married”  
• “It’s not that bad most of the time”  
• “I can help them work through this”
• “They’re under a lot of stress right now”  
• “No relationship is perfect”

The reality: Deal breakers typically get worse over time, not better.

Give Change a Real Chance

Before ending a marriage over deal breaker behavior, give your partner a genuine opportunity to change, but with clear boundaries and timelines.

This means:

• Clearly communicating that the behavior is unacceptable  
• Setting specific, measurable changes you need to see
• Establishing consequences for continued behavior  
• Giving a reasonable timeline for improvement

Following through on consequences if change doesn’t occur

Protect Yourself and Your Children

While giving change a chance, protect yourself and your family from ongoing harm.

Safety measures might include:

• Individual therapy to maintain your emotional health  
• Financial protection and independence
• Safe housing plans if needed
• Support system of friends and family  
• Legal consultation if appropriate

Know When Enough Is Enough

You can’t save a marriage alone, and you can’t love someone into changing. At some point, you have to accept that this is who they are.

Signs it’s time to consider leaving:

• Multiple attempts at change have failed
• Behavior is escalating rather than improving  
• Your physical or mental health is suffering
• Children are being harmed by the situation
• You’ve lost all hope and respect for your partner

The Difference Between Deal Breakers and Relationship Challenges

Not every serious problem is a deal breaker. Understanding the difference can save marriages that are worth saving while helping you recognize when it’s time to let go.

Relationship Challenges (Workable)

These are serious issues that can damage marriages but are often resolvable with effort from both partners:

• Communication problems that both people want to improve
• Sexual issues that both partners are willing to address
• Financial stress due to circumstances beyond anyone’s control
• Mental health challenges that the person is actively managing
• Parenting disagreements that can be negotiated and compromised
• Extended family conflicts that don’t involve abuse or major boundary violations

Deal Breakers (Usually Not Workable)

These issues typically require ending the relationship because they involve fundamental character flaws or unwillingness to change:

• Abuse of any kind with no genuine accountability or change
• Active addiction with refusal to seek treatment
• Chronic infidelity without true remorse or behavior change
• Pathological lying that continues despite consequences
• Complete emotional unavailability with refusal to work on connection
• Values conflicts that affect major life decisions and can’t be compromised

The key difference: Workable problems involve two people committed to finding solutions. Deal breakers involve one person unwilling to acknowledge problems or make necessary changes.

Moving Forward After Recognizing Deal Breakers

Once you’ve identified genuine deal breakers in your marriage, you have difficult decisions to make. There’s no easy path forward, but there are ways to navigate this crisis with integrity and self- respect.

Seek Professional Support

Don’t try to handle deal breaker situations alone. Professional support can help you think clearly and make decisions that align with your values.

Types of support to consider:

• Individual therapy to process your emotions and options
• Marriage counseling if your partner is willing to participate  
• Support groups for people facing similar challenges
• Legal consultation to understand your rights and options  
• Financial planning to understand the practical implications

Find qualified therapists and support resources through The American Association f or Marriage and Family Therapy or Psychology Today.

Focus on What You Can Control

You can’t control your partner’s behavior, but you can control your response to it.

Things you can control:

• Your boundaries and consequences for crossing them  
• Your own emotional and physical health
• The safety and wellbeing of your children  
• Your financial situation and independence  
• Your support system and professional help  
• Your timeline for making decisions

Consider All Your Options

Leaving isn’t always the only option when dealing with deal breakers, although it often becomes necessary.

Potential paths forward:

• Separation with specific conditions for reconciliation  
• Trial separation to give space for change
• Marriage counseling with clear goals and timelines
• Individual therapy for both partners
• Gradual plan for ending the marriage if change doesn’t occur

The key: Whatever path you choose, it should prioritize safety, wellbeing, and the possibility of genuine positive change.

Prepare for Different Outcomes

Hope for the best but prepare for the possibility that change won’t happen. Having a plan reduces anxiety and helps you make clear-headed decisions.

Practical preparations might include:

• Financial independence and security  
• Support system of friends and family  
• Safe housing options if needed
• Legal understanding of your rights
• Emotional preparation for potential outcomes

Red Flags vs. Deal Breakers: Understanding the Difference

Red flags are warning signs; deal breakers are relationship-ending realities. Understanding this difference helps you respond appropriately to concerning behaviors.

Red Flags (Warning Signs)

Red flags indicate potential problems that need immediate attention but aren’t automatically relationship-ending.

Examples of red flags:

• Occasional controlling behavior during stress
• Financial secrecy that gets addressed when confronted  
• Communication shutdown during conflict
• Drinking or substance use that sometimes affects behavior  
• Disrespectful behavior that they show remorse about

How to handle red flags:

• Address them directly and immediately  
• Set clear boundaries and consequences
• Seek couples counseling or individual therapy
• Monitor whether behavior improves with attention  
• Have honest conversations about your concerns

Deal Breakers (Relationship-Ending Realities)

Deal breakers are patterns of behavior that make healthy marriage impossible, usually involving lack of remorse, accountability, or genuine effort to change.

Examples of deal breakers:

• Physical violence or threats with no genuine accountability  
• Chronic infidelity with no remorse or behavior change
• Active addiction with refusal to seek treatment
• Pathological lying that continues despite confrontation  
• Financial irresponsibility that endangers family security

The progression: Many deal breakers start as red flags that escalate when not addressed or when the person refuses to take responsibility for change.

IMO, the biggest mistake people make is ignoring red flags until they become deal breakers, then feeling trapped because so much time has passed :/

Final Thoughts on Marriage Deal Breakers

Marriage deal breakers are not about being overly demanding they are about protecting your peace, values, and long-term happiness. Recognizing red flags such as dishonesty, lack of respect, or emotional neglect helps you set boundaries that keep your relationship healthy.

Ignoring these warning signs can lead to resentment and unhappiness but addressing them early allows for honest conversations and possible change.

At its core, a lasting marriage thrives on trust, effort, and mutual respect, while deal breakers remind us not to compromise on the essentials of love and well-being.

For crisis support and resources, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or find local mental health support through SAMHSA at 1-800-662-4357.