Let’s be real here, you’re probably reading this because your marriage feels more like roommates sharing bills than two people madly in love, right?
Maybe you’ve caught yourself wondering when exactly you and your spouse became strangers living under the same roof. Or perhaps you’re scrolling through social media, seeing other couples looking happy, and thinking, “What the heck happened to us?”
I get it. After 17 years of working with couples as a relationship coach and therapist, I’ve seen marriages go from “I can’t stand you” to “I can’t live without you” more times than I can count. And guess what? Your marriage isn’t broken beyond repair, it just needs some TLC and the right roadmap.
So, let’s talk about how to get your marriage back on track. Because trust me, it’s absolutely possible and Easy.
How To Get Your Marriage Back On Track
Here’s the thing that might surprise you: most couples don’t even realize when their marriage starts going off-track. It’s like gaining weight, you don’t notice it day by day, but suddenly your favorite jeans don’t fit anymore.
The same thing happens in marriages. One day you’re finishing each other’s sentences and laughing at inside jokes, and the next thing you know, you’re arguing about who left the dishes in the sink… again.
But before we start pointing fingers (because let’s face it, we all love a good blame game), we need to take a hard look in the mirror. I always tell my clients: “You can’t control your spouse, but you can control your response to them.”
Think about it, what role have you played in creating this distance? Maybe you’ve been so focused on work that you forgot to actually talk to your partner about anything other than logistics. Or perhaps you’ve been so critical that your spouse has stopped trying altogether.
I’m not saying it’s all your fault (relationships are a two-way street, after all), but taking responsibility for your part is the first step toward getting things back on track.
How To Rekindle Your Marriage
Rekindling your marriage isn’t about going back to who you were when you first met, that’s impossible, and honestly, probably not even desirable. You’ve both grown, changed, and experienced life together. The goal is to create a new, deeper connection based on who you are now.
I had a couple in my office last month, Sarah and Mike. They’d been married for 12 years and felt like complete strangers. Sarah told me, “We used to talk for hours about everything and nothing. Now we only talk about bills and who’s picking up the kids.”
Sound familiar? Here’s what I told them (and what I’m telling you): rekindling doesn’t happen overnight. It’s about making small, consistent changes that build up over time.
1. Have You Allowed A Third Party Into Your Marriage?
Now, before you start panicking and checking your spouse’s phone, I’m not talking about another person (though that could be an issue too). I’m talking about all the “invisible third parties” that have crept into your relationship.
These third parties include:
- Work stress that follows you home
- Extended family drama
- Financial worries
- Kids’ activities taking over your entire schedule
- Social media comparisons
- Past hurts that you keep rehashing
I remember working with Jessica, a busy mom of three. She came to me exhausted, saying her marriage was falling apart. When we dug deeper, we discovered she was bringing work stress home every single day, snapping at her husband over minor things because she was overwhelmed.
But when you check the reality when you’re stressed, overwhelmed, or emotionally drained by outside factors, you don’t have much left to give your spouse. And that’s totally normal! But recognizing it is the first step to fixing it.
Create boundaries between your stressors and your marriage. When you walk through your front door, take 5 minutes to decompress. Tell your partner about your day, but don’t let it dictate how you treat them.
2. Have A Dialogue With Your Partner
Oh boy, this is where it gets real. Having an actual conversation with your spouse about the state of your marriage can feel scarier than a horror movie marathon. But it’s absolutely necessary.
Here’s what I’ve learned after years of couples therapy: most relationship problems stem from assumptions. You assume your partner knows how you feel. They assume you know why they’re upset. Everyone’s assuming, and nobody’s actually communicating.
I had this couple, Tom and Lisa who were on the brink of divorce. Tom felt unappreciated because Lisa never thanked him for taking care of the yard work and home repairs. Lisa felt unloved because Tom never complimented her appearance anymore.
When they finally had an honest dialogue, they discovered Tom had been showing love through acts of service (his love language), while Lisa needed words of affirmation (her love language). They were both trying to love each other, they just weren’t speaking the same language!
Here’s how to start the dialogue:
- Choose a calm moment (not during or right after an argument)
- Use “I” statements instead of “You” accusations
- Listen to understand, not to defend
- Ask clarifying questions instead of making assumptions
Try saying something like: “I’ve been feeling disconnected from us lately, and I want to understand how you’re feeling about our relationship.”
3. Apologize
Can we talk about how hard it is to apologize sometimes? Our egos get in the way, and we’d rather be right than be happy. But a genuine apology can work miracles in a marriage.
I’m not talking about those half-hearted “sorry you feel that way” non-apologies. I mean real, vulnerable, “I messed up and I want to make it right” apologies.
A good apology has three parts:
- Acknowledgment: “I was wrong when I…”
- Responsibility: “I know this hurt you because…”
- Action: “I’m going to do better by…”
I learned this the hard way in my own marriage. My husband and I had this ongoing argument about household chores (classic, right?). Instead of apologizing for my part in creating tension, I kept defending my position.
It wasn’t until I genuinely apologized for being dismissive of his efforts that we could actually solve the problem together.
4. Work Towards Getting Intimate Again
Let’s address the elephant in the room, and I don’t just mean physical intimacy, although that’s part of it. Intimacy is about closeness, vulnerability, and connection on multiple levels.
Physical intimacy might be struggling because emotional intimacy has taken a hit. You can’t expect to ignore each other all day and then suddenly be passionate in the bedroom. It doesn’t work that way.
Start small:
- Hold hands while watching TV
- Give each other a genuine hug (not just a quick pat)
- Sit close to each other during dinner
- Kiss goodbye in the morning (and make it last more than 2 seconds)
- Give each other a massage without any expectation
I tell my clients to think of intimacy like a garden. You can’t ignore it for months and then expect it to bloom overnight. You need to water it daily with small acts of affection and connection.
One couple I worked with started setting aside 15 minutes each evening to just touch and talk, no phones, no TV, just connection. They called it their “reconnection ritual,” and it completely transformed their relationship.
5. Make Love Often
Alright, let’s talk about the bedroom situation. I know this can be a sensitive topic, but physical intimacy is a crucial part of most marriages, and when it’s lacking, everything else suffers.
I’ve worked with so many couples who’ve basically become roommates. They sleep in the same bed but haven’t been truly intimate in months (or sometimes years). This creates a vicious cycle, the less intimate you are, the more distant you become, which makes intimacy even harder.
I’ve learned that: Good sex starts way before you get to the bedroom. It starts with how you treat each other throughout the day, how you communicate, and how emotionally connected you feel.
Some practical tips:
- Schedule intimacy (I know, not sexy, but necessary sometimes)
- Talk openly about what you both enjoy
- Focus on connection, not just the physical act
- Remove distractions from the bedroom (yes, that means phones too)
- Remember that intimacy doesn’t always have to lead to sex
- Try mindfulness together with apps like Headspace for Couples
I had a client who told me, “We used to be so passionate. Now we barely touch each other.” When we dug deeper, we discovered they’d stopped all forms of physical affection, not just sex. Rebuilding intimacy meant starting with simple touches and working their way back up.
6. Carry Out Some Couples Activities Together
When was the last time you and your spouse actually had fun together? And I mean real fun, not just sitting on opposite ends of the couch scrolling through your phones while Netflix plays in the background.
Shared activities create shared memories, and shared memories strengthen your bond. It’s that simple.
But here’s where couples get stuck: “We don’t have anything in common anymore.” Bull. You chose each other for a reason, and there’s definitely something you can enjoy together.
Try these ideas:
- Cook a new recipe together
- Take a dancing class (even YouTube tutorials work!)
- Go for evening walks
- Start a puzzle or game night
- Try a new hobby together Exercise together
- Volunteer for a cause you both care about
I worked with Mark and Susan, who claimed they had “nothing in common.” After some digging, we discovered they both loved trying new restaurants but had gotten into the habit of just ordering takeout.
We created a “restaurant adventure” plan where they tried a new place every two weeks. It became their thing, and it gave them something to look forward to and talk about.
One fun activity won’t fix your marriage, but regularly engaging in enjoyable activities together will strengthen your connection over time. The key is consistency.
7. Evaluate Your Relationship Together
This isn’t about keeping score or creating a pros and cons list. This is about honestly assessing where you are and where you want to go as a couple.
People change. What made you happy five years ago might not work for you now, and that’s okay. The problem is when couples assume their partner is the same person they married, with the same needs, desires, and love languages.
I suggest couples do a “relationship check-up” every six months. Here are some questions to consider:
- What’s working well in our relationship right now?
- What areas need improvement?
- How have we each grown or changed recently?
- What are our current goals as a couple?
- How can we better support each other?
One couple I worked with discovered during their evaluation that they’d both been feeling neglected, but for different reasons. She felt emotionally neglected because he didn’t share his feelings anymore. He felt physically neglected because affection had become rare. Once they understood each other’s needs, they could work together to meet them.
8. Be Vulnerable
This is probably the scariest item on this list, and also the most important. Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection, creativity, and change.
Being vulnerable means:
- Sharing your fears and insecurities
- Admitting when you’re wrong
- Expressing your needs without demand
- Showing your authentic emotions
- Asking for help when you need it
I know it’s terrifying. What if your partner judges you? What if they use your vulnerabilities against you in a future argument? These are real concerns, but here’s the thing: you can’t have a deep, meaningful relationship without vulnerability.
I’ll never forget this couple, David and Rachel. They’d been married for 8 years but were living like polite strangers. During one session, David finally broke down and admitted he felt like a failure as a husband and father. He was working 60-hour weeks trying to provide for his family but felt like Rachel resented him for never being home.
Rachel was shocked. She had no idea he felt that way. She’d been interpreting his long work hours as him avoiding family time, not as his way of showing love. That moment of vulnerability changed everything for them.
9. Take Your Partner The Way They Are
This might be the hardest pill to swallow: you cannot change your spouse. You can influence them, inspire them, and support them, but you cannot fundamentally change who they are.
I see this all the time people who married someone hoping to “fix” them or expecting them to change over time. Then they spend years frustrated because their partner isn’t becoming the person they imagined they could be.
Here’s what I tell my clients: focus on what you can control (yourself) and accept what you can’t control (your partner’s choices).
This doesn’t mean accepting abusive or disrespectful behavior, never do that. But it does mean accepting that your partner might always be a little messy, or introverted, or overly cautious, or whatever trait drives you crazy.
I worked with Maria, who spent 10 years trying to make her husband Carlos more social. She’d drag him to parties, criticize him for being quiet, and compare him to her extroverted friends’ husbands. Carlos felt constantly criticized and withdrew even more.
When Maria finally accepted Carlos’s introverted nature and stopped trying to change him, something amazing happened. He actually became more social because he didn’t feel pressured and judged. Acceptance created the safety he needed to grow.
10. Look Into The Future With Hope
Here’s the truth: every marriage goes through seasons. Some seasons are spring full of growth and new beginnings. Others are winter cold, difficult, and seemingly endless. But winter always gives way to spring if you don’t give up.
Looking to the future with hope doesn’t mean ignoring your current problems or pretending everything is fine. It means believing that with effort, commitment, and the right tools, your marriage can get better.
I’ve seen couples who were ready to sign divorce papers fall in love again. I’ve worked with people who hadn’t spoken civilly to each other in months learn to laugh together again. It’s possible, but it requires both people to be willing to do the work.
Create a vision for your marriage. What do you want your relationship to look like in five years? What kind of couple do you want to be? Start taking steps toward that vision, even if they’re small ones.
Final Thoughts On How To Get Your Marriage Back On Track
Rebuilding your marriage isn’t about going back to how things were, but creating something stronger and better together. It takes patience, effort, and vulnerability, and while setbacks may happen, consistency makes the difference.
Don’t hesitate to seek therapy or professional help it’s an investment in your most important relationship.
Your marriage is worth fighting for, and with commitment, you can build the love and connection you both deserve. You’ve got this!
