You’re nervous, excited, and maybe wondering if you should’ve worn something different.
First dates are already nerve-wracking enough without having to play detective, right?
But here’s the truth: that butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling shouldn’t override your common sense.
After years of helping people navigate the dating world, I can tell you that first dates reveal more than people think.
Your date isn’t just showing you their best self. They’re accidentally (or sometimes purposely) showing you glimpses of who they really are.
If you know what to look for, those red flags are waving pretty obviously.
I’ve heard too many stories that start with “I knew something was off on the first date, but I ignored it.” Don’t be that person.
Let’s talk about the warning signs that should make you think twice about a second date.
What Are Some Subtle Red Flags On A First Date?
Before we get into the full list, let’s talk about the sneaky ones. The behaviors that seem small but actually scream “danger ahead.”
Subtle first date red flags include showing zero curiosity about your life, being dismissive or rude to you, making backhanded comments disguised as compliments, completely disregarding your opinions, and treating waitstaff like they’re invisible or inferior. These behaviors might seem minor in the moment, but they’re previews of how this person treats others when they’re not trying to impress you.
Think about it. If someone can’t manage basic respect and interest when they’re supposedly on their best behavior, what happens when the honeymoon phase ends? Exactly.
17 Huge Red Flags You Should Never Ignore On A First Date
Alright, let’s break down the major warning signs that should have you reconsidering that second date.
Pay attention because these aren’t just pet peeves. These are genuine indicators of problematic behavior.
1. Rudeness Or Disrespect
Here’s a hard truth: if someone is rude to you on a first date, they’re showing you exactly who they are. This isn’t nervousness or having an off day. This is their actual personality.
Rudeness and disrespect show up as snapping at you, making dismissive comments, being late without apology, interrupting you constantly, or speaking to you condescendingly.
Basic courtesy isn’t difficult, especially when you’re trying to make a good impression on someone new.
I had a client who told me her date rolled his eyes every time she spoke. She laughed it off as him being “quirky.”
Six months later, she was dealing with constant belittling and verbal abuse. The red flag was there from day one.
If someone can’t show you basic respect when they’re allegedly trying to win you over, imagine how they’ll treat you when they’re comfortable. Pass.
2. Excessive Phone Use
Picture this: you’re sitting across from someone who’s more interested in their screen than your face.
They’re texting, scrolling, taking calls, and basically treating you like background noise.
Excessive phone use on a first date signals lack of interest, poor boundaries, or inability to be present.
Unless there’s a legitimate emergency (which they should mention upfront), your date should be focused on you, not their notifications.
This behavior shows they either don’t value your time or can’t disconnect for a couple of hours. Both are problems.
A person who can’t give you their full attention on a first date won’t magically become attentive in a relationship.
3. Constant Talk About EX
Nothing kills romance faster than hearing about someone’s ex for the entire date. Seriously, why are you here if you’re still that focused on your past relationship?
Constantly bringing up an ex (whether trash-talking them or praising them excessively) indicates they’re not emotionally available for something new.
They’re still processing that relationship, still angry, still attached, or still comparing everyone to their ex.
First date conversations should focus on getting to know each other, not rehashing past relationship drama.
You’re looking forward, not backward. If they can’t move past their ex, they’re not ready to move forward with you.
4. Inappropriate Comments Or Jokes
You know those moments when someone says something and you’re not sure if they’re joking or if you should be concerned? Trust that feeling.
Inappropriate comments or jokes about you, other people, sensitive topics, or controversial issues reveal someone’s true values and mindset.
Maybe they make racist remarks disguised as humor. Perhaps they mock people’s appearances. Or they make sexually aggressive comments that make you uncomfortable.
These aren’t just poor taste. They’re glimpses into how this person views the world and the people in it.
If their “jokes” make you cringe, your gut is telling you something important. Listen to it.
5. Overindulgence In Alcohol
Look, having a drink or two on a date is normal. Getting sloppy drunk? That’s a red flag waving frantically.
Overindulging in alcohol on a first date shows lack of self-control, poor judgment, or potentially problematic drinking habits.
This is supposed to be when someone’s on their best behavior. If they can’t moderate their alcohol consumption when trying to impress you, what does their regular drinking look like?
Substance abuse and addiction are serious relationship deal breakers that only get worse over time.
If someone’s getting drunk on a first date, they’re showing you a problem that won’t fix itself with love.
Red Flags On A First Date
6. Lack Of Interest In Your Life
Imagine sitting across from someone who talks exclusively about themselves for two hours straight.
They never ask about your job, your interests, your life, your anything. You’re basically a captive audience to their autobiography.
A date who shows no interest in your life is either extremely self-absorbed or genuinely not interested in you beyond surface level.
They don’t ask questions. They don’t pause to let you contribute. When you try to share something, they interrupt and redirect back to themselves.
This is a massive red flag because relationships require mutual interest and reciprocity.
If someone can’t demonstrate basic curiosity about who you are on the first date, they won’t suddenly become interested later.
You’ll spend your entire relationship feeling invisible and unheard.
7. Poor Hygiene
Personal hygiene on a first date is non-negotiable. Everyone knows you’re supposed to show up clean, groomed, and presentable. It’s basic dating etiquette.
Showing up with bad body odor, dirty clothes, unkempt appearance, or generally looking like they rolled out of bed demonstrates a lack of effort and respect.
If someone can’t be bothered to shower and dress decently for a first date, what does that say about how they value you or the potential relationship?
Poor hygiene isn’t just unattractive. It signals deeper issues like depression, lack of self-respect, or complete disregard for social norms.
Either way, it’s a problem that shouldn’t be your responsibility to fix.
8. Bad Manners Like Table Manners
We’re not expecting formal dining etiquette here, but basic table manners are kind of important when you’re eating across from someone.
Bad table manners include chewing with mouth open, talking with food flying everywhere, making disgusting noises while eating, or generally behaving like they’ve never eaten with another human present.
It’s uncomfortable, off-putting, and honestly kind of gross. Table manners reflect upbringing and awareness of social norms.
Someone who can’t manage basic courtesy while eating probably struggles with other social situations too. Plus, do you really want to watch that for the rest of your life?
9. Aggressive Behavior
This one’s serious. Any hint of aggression on a first date is your exit cue.
Aggressive behavior looks like snapping at staff, road rage on the way to dinner, getting disproportionately angry over minor inconveniences, raising their voice, making threatening gestures, or displaying a short fuse.
Maybe the restaurant messed up the order and they explode. Perhaps another customer bumps into them and they’re ready to fight.
Aggression on a first date is particularly alarming because people are supposedly on their best behavior.
If they can’t control their temper when trying to impress you, imagine what happens when they’re comfortable.
This behavior often escalates into emotional or physical abuse down the line.
If you feel uncomfortable or unsafe at any point, trust your instincts and leave. Your safety matters more than being polite.
Red Flags To Watch Out For On A First Date
10. Being Overly Critical
Some people have a habit of criticizing everything around them. The restaurant isn’t good enough. The decor is tacky.
That person’s outfit is ridiculous. Your choice of appetizer is wrong.
Being overly critical means constantly pointing out flaws, finding fault with everything, and having impossibly high standards that nobody can meet.
These people can’t let anything slide. Everything requires commentary and judgment, including you.
While having standards is good, being unable to enjoy anything because nothing’s perfect is exhausting.
Critical people make terrible partners because you’ll spend your life feeling criticized and inadequate.
That perfectionism they direct at the world will eventually be directed at you constantly.
11. Avoiding Personal Questions
The whole point of a first date is getting to know each other. So when someone dodges every personal question, something’s off.
Personal questions aren’t invasive; they’re normal curiosity about who you are. Things like:
- What do you enjoy doing in your free time?
- What kind of work do you do?
- Where did you grow up?
- What are your hobbies?
- Do you have siblings?
- What kind of music do you like?
These are basic get-to-know-you questions. If your date deflects, changes the subject, or gets defensive when you ask simple things about their life, they’re either hiding something or emotionally unavailable.
Now, there’s a difference between personal and overly personal. FYI, asking about someone’s salary, sexual history, traumatic experiences, or family drama on a first date crosses into inappropriate territory.
But if they won’t even tell you where they work? Red flag.
12. Inconsistency In Stories Or Information
Pay attention when stories don’t add up. If your date says they’re a lawyer but later mentions being unemployed, something’s wrong.
Inconsistent stories signal dishonesty, fabrication, or an inability to keep lies straight. Maybe they contradict themselves about where they live.
Perhaps their job description changes mid-conversation. Their relationship history shifts depending on which story they’re telling.
I once coached someone whose date claimed to be divorced but accidentally mentioned his wife picking up the kids later.
Turns out he was very much married. The inconsistencies were there; she just needed to pay attention.
Honesty is fundamental. If someone can’t be truthful on a first date when they’re trying to make a good impression, they definitely won’t be honest when it matters.
13. Pressuring For Physical Intimacy
First dates should focus on emotional connection, not physical pressure. If your date keeps steering everything toward sex, that’s a massive red flag.
Pressuring for physical intimacy looks like constantly making sexual comments, touching you without consent, asking to go back to their place repeatedly, or making you feel guilty for not wanting to hook up.
They act like you owe them something physical just because you agreed to meet.
This behavior shows disrespect for your boundaries and suggests they’re only interested in one thing.
A person who values you will respect your pace and boundaries without making you feel pressured or uncomfortable.
Anyone who pushes for physical intimacy on a first date doesn’t respect you.
First Date Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore
14. Being Overly Negative
We all have bad days, but someone who’s relentlessly negative about everything is exhausting to be around.
Overly negative people complain constantly, see problems in everything, expect the worst, and drain the energy from every situation.
They hate their job. Their family’s terrible. Their friends are annoying. The world is awful. Nothing makes them happy.
Watch out for backhanded compliments too. “You look great for your age.” “That dress hides your figure well.” “You’re smarter than you look.”
These aren’t compliments; they’re insults wrapped in fake positivity.
Negativity is contagious. Dating someone who sees the world through dark-tinted glasses will eventually drain your optimism and happiness.
Life has enough challenges without choosing to be with someone who makes everything harder.
15. Lack Of Communication Skills
Communication is the foundation of every healthy relationship. If someone can’t communicate on a first date, they won’t magically develop skills later.
Poor communication skills show up as giving one-word answers, refusing to engage in conversation, avoiding meaningful discussion, or shutting down when you try to connect.
You’re doing all the work to keep the conversation going. You ask conversation starters, get minimal responses, and feel like you’re pulling teeth.
This awkwardness might be nervousness, but it might also be lack of interest or inability to communicate effectively.
Either way, if they can’t engage in basic conversation when they’re supposedly trying to get to know you, that’s not a good foundation for a relationship.
16. Treating Service Staff Poorly
This is one of the biggest and most revealing red flags on any date.
How someone treats people in service positions (waiters, bartenders, valet, hostess, Uber drivers) shows their true character.
Being rude, condescending, demanding, or disrespectful to service staff reveals how they treat people they perceive as “beneath” them.
I tell my clients: if your date is rude to the waiter, run. Because eventually, that’s how they’ll treat you.
People who are genuinely kind don’t turn it on and off depending on who they’re talking to. Kindness isn’t selective; rudeness is revealing.
17. Ignoring Or Belittling Your Opinions Or Feelings
You’re on a date, trying to order food, and your date doesn’t ask what you want. They just order for you.
You express an opinion and they dismiss it as wrong or stupid. You share a feeling and they tell you you’re overreacting.
Ignoring or belittling your opinions and feelings demonstrates fundamental disrespect and suggests future problems with validation and emotional connection.
They don’t care what you think. Your preferences don’t matter. Your feelings are inconvenient to them.
This behavior often escalates into gaslighting and emotional abuse in relationships. If someone can’t validate your basic right to have opinions and feelings on a first date, they definitely won’t respect you in a relationship.
Final Thoughts
First date red flags exist to protect you from wasting time (and emotional energy) on people who aren’t right for you.
They’re warning signs that something’s fundamentally off, and ignoring them usually leads to regret later.
I know it’s tempting to overlook concerning behavior, especially if you’re lonely or really wanted this to work out. You might tell yourself it was just nerves or a bad day.
But here’s what I’ve learned from years of working with people in troubled relationships: the red flags were almost always there from the beginning.
Trust your gut. If something feels off, it probably is. You’re not being picky or too judgmental by having standards and protecting yourself. You’re being smart.
Pay attention, trust yourself, and don’t ignore those warning signs. Your future self will thank you.
