Small leaks sink great ships, and small habits sink great marriages.
You know what breaks my heart after years of counseling couples?
Watching amazing marriages crumble not because of dramatic betrayals, but because of tiny, repeated habits that no one thought to fix.
The couple who couldn’t stop criticizing each other. The husband who stayed silent instead of communicating.
The wife who let resentment build for years. These aren’t character flaws, they’re patterns. And patterns can be broken if you catch them early enough.
Let me be straight with you: you probably have at least one of these marriage destroying habits. Most people do.
The question isn’t whether you have them, it’s whether you’re willing to recognize and change them before they cost you your relationship.
What Are The Habits That Quickly Destroy A Marriage?
Before we break down each habit, let’s be clear about what makes these patterns so dangerous.
Bad habits destroy marriages because they create negative cycles that feed on themselves.
The habits that destroy marriages fastest include:
- Shutting down communication when things get difficult
- Constant criticism that erodes your partner’s self-worth
- Always needing to win arguments instead of finding solutions
- Disrespecting your partner in small and big ways
- Infidelity in its many forms
These behaviors don’t just hurt once, they create wounds that keep reopening.
Every time you engage in these habits, you add another brick to the wall between you and your spouse.
13 Bad Habits That Can Destroy Your Marriage
Let’s talk about the specific patterns that I see destroying marriages in my practice. Recognizing yourself here isn’t fun, but it’s necessary.
1. Failing To Communicate
Communication breakdowns don’t happen overnight, they happen through a thousand small silences.
You stop sharing the small stuff first. “How was work?” gets a one-word answer.
Then you avoid bigger topics. Financial stress? Don’t mention it.
Feeling disconnected? Keep it to yourself. Eventually, you’re living with a stranger who sleeps in your bed.
Here’s why people stop communicating:
- They convince themselves they can handle problems alone
- They fear judgment or criticism from their partner
- They assume their partner won’t understand anyway
- They’re too exhausted to have difficult conversations
But here’s the reality: marriage without communication is just cohabitation.
You need to share your inner world, fears, dreams, frustrations, joys, or the relationship has nowhere to grow.
Use communication apps like Lasting or Paired to rebuild connection skills.
Or check resources from The Gottman Institute for evidence-based communication strategies.
2. Ignoring Emotional Needs
Your partner didn’t marry you to feel alone. When you consistently ignore their emotional needs, you push them toward the door.
Emotional neglect looks like:
- Never asking how they’re really doing
- Dismissing their feelings as overreactions
- Being physically present but emotionally absent
- Making them feel guilty for needing support
I’ve watched marriages end not because of what one partner did, but because of what they failed to do.
They failed to notice when their spouse was drowning, failed to offer comfort during hard times, also, failed to celebrate wins or mourn losses together.
Your partner needs to feel seen, heard, and valued by you. When they consistently don’t, they’ll either shut down emotionally or find that connection elsewhere.
3. Criticizing Each Other
There’s constructive feedback, and then there’s destructive criticism.
One builds your partner up; the other tears them down brick by brick.
Destructive criticism includes:
- Attacking character instead of addressing behavior
- Using “always” and “never” statements
- Comparing them unfavorably to others
- Criticizing them publicly
- Bringing up past mistakes repeatedly
The Gottman research identifies criticism as one of the “Four Horsemen” that predict divorce.
When criticism becomes your default mode, your partner stops trying because nothing they do is ever good enough.
Learn to give feedback with love. Frame concerns as requests, not attacks. Build up more than you tear down.
4. Fighting To Win
Marriage isn’t a debate competition where you score points. When you fight to win instead of fighting to solve problems, everyone loses.
I’ve counseled couples who treat every disagreement like a war. They pull out old ammunition, hit below the belt, and do whatever it takes to “win” the argument.
Then they wonder why their marriage feels like a battlefield.
Here’s the truth: being right matters less than being connected.
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is let something go, even when you’re technically correct. 🙂
Emotional intelligence means knowing when to apologize, when to compromise, and when being “right” isn’t worth damaging your relationship.
5. You Ignore Financial Issues
Financial irresponsibility destroys trust faster than almost anything else.
I once worked with a couple where the husband kept investing their savings in get-rich-quick schemes.
It will foster trust between you, and ultimately, help you both be in sync financially.
Each failure destroyed not just their bank account, but his wife’s trust in him.
By the time they came to me, the damage was done.
Having this discussion will help you both understand who is more financially savvy, thus allowing that person to take the lead in managing your home’s finances.
Money irresponsibility includes:
- Hiding purchases or debt from your partner
- Making major financial decisions alone
- Refusing to budget or track spending
- Prioritizing wants over needs consistently
- Gambling or risky investing without agreement
Use budgeting tools like YNAB or Mint to get financially aligned.
Have monthly money meetings where you review finances together as partners, not adversaries.
6. Addiction
Addiction doesn’t just affect the addicted person, it destroys everyone around them.
I’ve seen marriages ruined by addiction to substances (alcohol, drugs), behaviors (gambling, pornography), and even technology (gaming, social media).
The pattern is always the same: the addiction becomes the third party in the marriage, demanding attention and resources while giving nothing back.
One client struggled with pornography addiction that created completely unrealistic expectations for his wife.
His marriage suffered not just from the betrayal, but from how the addiction warped his view of intimacy and connection.
FYI, if you or your partner struggles with addiction, get professional help immediately.
Check resources like SMART Recovery or Alcoholics Anonymous for support. This isn’t something you can fix alone.
7. Infidelity
Cheating is the nuclear option of marriage-destroying habits.
Infidelity isn’t always physical. Emotional affairs, where you share intimate thoughts and feelings with someone who isn’t your spouse, destroy marriages too.
So does financial infidelity, where you hide money or spending.
What leads to infidelity:
- Unmet emotional or physical needs
- Lack of boundaries with opposite-sex friends
- Opportunity meeting vulnerability
- Seeking validation outside the marriage
- Not recognizing warning signs early
The effects of infidelity are devastating:
- Complete breakdown of trust
- Destruction of self-esteem
- Communication becomes impossible
- Emotional intimacy dies
Some marriages survive infidelity, but only with intense work, complete honesty, and professional help.
Resources like After the Affair by Janis Spring can guide that healing process.
8. Disrespect
Disrespect is slow-acting poison in marriage. It might not kill your relationship immediately, but it will eventually.
Disrespect manifests as:
- Speaking rudely or dismissively
- Rolling your eyes or using contemptuous body language
- Making fun of your partner publicly
- Ignoring their input on important decisions
- Treating strangers better than your spouse
Both partners need respect. The idea that “men need respect, women need love” is outdated nonsense.
Everyone needs both love and respect to thrive in marriage.
When you disrespect your partner repeatedly, you tell them they don’t matter to you. Eventually, they believe it and leave.
9. Unrealistic Expectations
Your partner is human, not a fantasy character who exists to fulfill your every dream.
Unrealistic expectations destroy marriages because:
- Your partner can never meet impossible standards
- They feel like constant failures
- You’re perpetually disappointed
- You start looking elsewhere for “perfection”
I see this often with couples who married young or quickly. They had a fantasy version of marriage in their heads, and reality didn’t match.
Instead of adjusting expectations, they blame their partner for not being the person they imagined.
Your spouse will disappoint you. They’ll have flaws, bad days, and limitations.
That’s called being human. Accept it or doom your marriage.
10. Harboring Resentment Towards Each Other
Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
I had a client who kept a mental spreadsheet of every wrong her husband committed over 20 years.
Every argument became a trip down resentment lane, pulling out grievances from 2005. Guess what? They’re divorced now.
Harboring resentment means:
- You never truly forgive
- Past hurts contaminate present moments
- Bitterness becomes your default emotion
- Small issues trigger nuclear reactions
Learn to process hurt, forgive genuinely, and let things go. Or watch resentment slowly strangle your marriage to death. Those are your options.
11. Selfishness
Marriage requires putting “we” before “me”, if you can’t do that, stay single.
Selfish partners:
- Always insist on getting their way
- Make unilateral decisions
- Prioritize their needs over their spouse’s
- Keep score instead of giving freely
- View compromise as losing
Marriage is about partnership. When one partner consistently acts selfishly, the other eventually stops trying. Why keep giving when you get nothing back?
The healthiest marriages have two partners who both prioritize the other’s happiness. That creates a beautiful cycle where everyone’s needs get met.
12. Angry Outbursts
Uncontrolled anger turns your home into a war zone. One of the most underrated marriage destroyers is the partner who can’t manage their temper.
They explode over minor issues, lash out verbally, or create an atmosphere of walking on eggshells.
Angry outbursts damage marriages because:
- Your partner starts fearing you instead of loving you
- Children learn terrible conflict patterns
- Trust erodes with each explosion
- Your partner stops feeling safe with you
If you struggle with anger management, get help through therapy apps like BetterHelp or Talkspace, or look into anger management programs.
This habit will destroy your marriage if you don’t address it.
How To Deal With Bad Habits In A Marriage
Recognizing these habits is step one. Changing them is step two. Here’s how to actually fix these patterns before they break your marriage.
1. Open Communication
You can’t fix problems you won’t talk about. Schedule regular check-ins where you discuss relationship health honestly.
Good communication practices:
- Use “I feel” statements instead of accusations
- Listen to understand, not to respond
- Validate your partner’s feelings even if you disagree
- Address issues when calm, not during fights
- Be specific about what you need
Check out communication exercises on The Gottman Institute or read books like “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson for practical strategies.
2. Seek Professional Help
There’s no shame in getting help, there’s only shame in letting your marriage die because you were too proud to ask for it.
A good marriage therapist helps you:
- Identify destructive patterns quickly
- Learn new communication skills
- Process past hurts safely
- Rebuild trust and connection
- Create actionable change plans
Find therapists through Psychology Today’s directory or try online therapy through BetterHelp if in- person sessions aren’t accessible.
3. Establish Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries aren’t walls, they’re guidelines that keep respect alive.
Set boundaries around:
- How you speak to each other during conflicts
- Acceptable and unacceptable behaviors
- Privacy and personal space needs
- Financial decisions and spending limits
- Consequences for broken agreements
Boundaries work only when you enforce them consistently. If you set a boundary but never follow through on consequences, it’s not actually a boundary, it’s a suggestion.
Why Breaking These Habits Matters
Your marriage is either growing or dying, there’s no neutral zone. Every day you engage in these destructive habits, you push your partner further away.
The couples who thrive long-term are the ones who:
- Recognize destructive patterns early
- Take responsibility for their behavior
- Commit to changing harmful habits
- Work together as teammates
- Seek help when they need it
You can’t control your partner’s habits, but you can control your own. Start there.
Model the change you want to see. Often, when one partner improves, it creates positive momentum that inspires the other.
Your Marriage Rescue Plan
Don’t wait for a crisis to start fixing these patterns. Here’s your action plan:
This week:
- Identify which habits from this list you’re guilty of
- Have an honest conversation with your spouse about them
- Apologize sincerely for the damage you’ve caused
- Commit to working on one specific habit
This month:
Schedule weekly relationship check-ins
- Start individual or couples therapy if needed
- Read relationship books together
- Practice new communication skills daily
This quarter:
- Evaluate progress on breaking bad habits
- Celebrate improvements together
- Address remaining issues with professional help
- Build new positive patterns to replace old ones
This year:
- Make relationship health a permanent priority
- Continue personal growth work
- Deepen emotional and physical intimacy
- Create the marriage you both deserve
The Bottom Line
Bad habits destroy marriages slowly, quietly, and completely, unless you stop them. Because here’s what I know after years of watching marriages succeed and fail: the couples who make it aren’t the ones without problems, they’re the ones who refused to let problems win.
Your marriage is worth fighting for. But you have to actually fight, not against each other, but against the habits threatening to tear you apart.
Which bad habit are you committing to breaking first? Honesty is the first step toward change. What will you do differently starting today?
