Remember when you couldn’t keep your hands off each other? When staying up all night talking felt natural, and every text message made your heart skip? Yeah, those days feel like ancient history now, don’t they?
If you’re reading this, chances are you’re sitting there wondering where all that magic went. One day you were finishing each other’s sentences, and now you barely make eye contact over breakfast.
Trust me, I get it. After spending over a decade helping couples navigate these exact waters, I’ve seen this story more times than I can count.
Here’s the thing though that spark didn’t just vanish into thin air. It’s still there, probably buried under layers of routine, stress, and life’s general messiness. The good news? You absolutely can dig it back out. IMO, some of the strongest relationships I’ve worked with are the ones that fought their way back from this exact place.
So grab your favorite drink, get comfy, and let’s talk about how to breathe life back into your relationship. No fluff, no generic advice just real, actionable strategies that actually work.
How to Get the Spark Back in a Broken Relationship
1. Diagnose the Reason for the Fall Out of Love
Okay, let’s start with the uncomfortable truth. You can’t fix what you don’t understand, right?
Think back to when things started feeling different. Was it gradual, like watching paint dry? Or did something specific happen that shifted everything? Maybe your partner made a mistake that’s still eating at you.
Perhaps work stress consumed your lives, or you both just got so caught up in paying bills and managing daily chaos that you forgot to actually look at each other.
I had a client once who insisted her husband just “stopped caring.” Turns out, he’d been dealing with depression for months but felt like he couldn’t burden her with it.
She interpreted his withdrawal as rejection, and he saw her frustration as confirmation that he was failing her. Neither was right, but both were hurting.
Here’s what I want you to do: Set aside an hour this week. No phones, no distractions. Write down what changed and when. Don’t overthink it. Sometimes the “why” isn’t complicated it’s just been ignored for too long.
Common culprits I see include:
• Unresolved conflicts that keep recycling
• Life transitions (new jobs, babies, moving)
• Communication breakdown (you’re talking but not connecting)
• Different love languages being spoken take the free quiz at 5LoveLanguages.com to understand each other better
• External stressors overwhelming your relationship energy
The point isn’t to play blame games. It’s to get clarity so you can actually tackle the real problem instead of just treating symptoms.
2. Dialogue
Here’s where most couples mess up royally. They either avoid the conversation entirely (because awkward), or they turn it into an emotional battlefield where everyone loses.
Let me tell you what NOT to do first. Don’t ambush your partner with “We need to talk” right when they walk through the door. Don’t start with accusations like “You never…” or “You always…” And please, for the love of all that’s holy, don’t have this conversation via text message.
Instead, try this approach. Pick a time when you’re both relatively relaxed. Start with something positive – maybe acknowledge something they did recently that you appreciated.
Then transition with something like: “I miss feeling connected to you. I’d love to understand how you’re feeling about us right now.”
The magic is in the listening part. When they start talking, resist the urge to defend, explain, or fix. Just listen. Ask follow-up questions. Show genuine curiosity about their experience. You might discover things that completely surprise you.
One couple I worked with discovered they were both feeling unloved, but for totally different reasons. She needed more verbal affirmation, he needed more physical affection. Once they understood this, the solution became obvious.
Make dialogue a regular thing, not just crisis management. You might find conversation starter apps like Relish helpful, or try these questions:
• “What’s one thing that would make you feel more loved this week?”
• “How are you feeling about us lately?”
• “What’s something you miss about our early days together?”
• “Is there anything you need more of from me?”
3. Engage the Tool of Gratitude
Alright, I know what you’re thinking. “Gratitude? Really? My partner left dirty dishes in the sink again and forgot our anniversary.” Bear with me here.
When relationships get rocky, we develop selective vision. We start noticing every annoying habit and overlooking every sweet gesture. It’s like our brains get stuck in complaint mode. Gratitude is the reset button.
I’m not talking about toxic positivity or pretending problems don’t exist. I’m talking about intentionally shifting your focus back to what’s actually working. Because here’s the thing if there was truly nothing good left, you wouldn’t be trying to save this relationship.
Try this exercise: Every day for a week, write down three things you appreciate about your partner. You can use a simple notes app on your phone, or try a gratitude app like Five Minute Journal to make it a habit. They don’t have to be huge.
Maybe they made coffee without being asked, or they laughed at your terrible joke, or they remembered to feed the dog.
After that week, start sharing one appreciation daily with your partner. Watch their face light up when you say “I noticed you stayed up late helping our kid with homework. That meant a lot.”
This isn’t about manipulation. It’s about training your brain to notice the good stuff again. And when you start appreciating them out loud, they’ll naturally want to give you more reasons to appreciate them. Psychology 101, people.
4. Learn to Meet in the Middle
Let’s be real, compromise sounds about as exciting as doing taxes. But hear me out, because this is where relationships either thrive or slowly die.
I see so many couples who get stuck in power struggles over the dumbest things. Who controls the TV remote, where to go for vacation, how to load the dishwasher (apparently there’s a “right” way who knew?). These aren’t really about the dishes or the remote. They’re about feeling heard and respected.
Here’s what healthy compromise looks like: You both get some of what you want, and nobody feels like they’re constantly losing. It’s not keeping score or taking turns being the martyr. It’s genuinely caring about your partner’s happiness as much as your own.
Practical example: You want to go out every weekend, your partner wants to stay home. Instead of one person always giving in, maybe you alternate one weekend out, one weekend in.
Or you compromise on the activity maybe a cozy dinner out instead of clubbing until 2 AM.
The key is making decisions together, not just going along to avoid conflict. Ask questions like:
• “What matters most to you about this?”
• “How can we both get what we need here?”
• “What would feel fair to you?”
And please, stop keeping a mental scorecard of who compromised last. That’s not love, that’s competitive martyrdom.
5. Focus on the Positives
Your brain is wired to notice problems. It’s a survival mechanism scan for threats, remember what went wrong, stay alert. Great for avoiding saber toothed tigers, not so great for maintaining romantic relationships.
When you’re going through a rough patch, this negativity bias goes into overdrive. Your partner breathes loudly and suddenly it’s the most annoying sound in the world.
They leave their socks on the floor and it becomes evidence that they don’t respect you. Your brain starts collecting proof that this relationship is doomed.
But what if you redirected that same mental energy toward noticing what’s going right?
I’m not suggesting you become a delusional optimist who ignores real problems. I’m saying choose your battles wisely and celebrate the wins, however small they might be. Apps like Gottman Card Decks can help you practice focusing on positive interactions with guided exercises.
Try this mindset shift: Instead of thinking “They never help with housework,” try “They took out the trash without being asked today.” Instead of “We never have fun anymore,” try “We laughed together watching that movie last night.”
This isn’t just feel good nonsense. When you start focusing on positive interactions, you create more of them. Your partner feels appreciated instead of criticized, so they’re more likely to keep doing things that make you happy. It’s a beautiful upward spiral.
6. Turn Up the Heat in Your Bedroom
Okay, time for some real talk about intimacy. And no, I don’t just mean sex (though that’s part of it).
Physical connection is like relationship superglue. When couples stop touching, cuddling, and being intimate, they start feeling like roommates instead of lovers. The research on this is pretty clear couples who maintain physical affection have stronger emotional bonds.
But here’s what happens in struggling relationships: Someone feels emotionally disconnected, so they withdraw physically. The other person feels physically rejected, so they pull back emotionally. Before you know it, you’re sleeping on opposite sides of a king size bed like there’s an invisible wall between you.
Breaking this cycle requires someone to go first. Start small hold hands while watching TV, give a genuine hug before leaving for work, sit close on the couch instead of in separate chairs.
For the bedroom specifically, here are some game changers:
• Make your bedroom inviting. Seriously, would you want to be romantic in a cluttered space with laundry everywhere?
• Schedule intimacy using apps like Lasting for relationship therapy exercises (I know, not very spontaneous, but sometimes you need structure to rebuild habits)
• Communicate about what you both need physically and emotionally
• Focus on connection, not just performance
And ladies, I see you rolling your eyes at “men need physical intimacy.” Yes, it’s true for many men, but women need it too. We just might need emotional connection to feel safe being physically vulnerable. Neither need is more important they’re just different.
7. Be Generous to Your Mate and Create Some Rituals Together
Love is a verb, not just a feeling. When the warm fuzzies fade (and they always do in long term relationships), love becomes something you actively do, not just something you feel.
Generosity in relationships looks like this:
• Doing things for your partner without being asked
• Giving them the benefit of the doubt when they mess up
• Investing time and energy in their happiness
• Making their day a little easier when you can
I’m not talking about expensive gifts or grand gestures. Some of the most loving things cost nothing but attention. Making their morning coffee, sending a random “thinking of you” text, or taking care of a task you know they hate.
Now, about those rituals. Successful couples have shared traditions that belong just to them. These create connection touchpoints throughout your week. Maybe you:
• Have coffee together every morning before the chaos starts
• Take a walk after dinner to decompress from the day
• Have a weekly movie night with phones put away
• Send each other one thing you’re grateful for every day
• Share a Sunday morning routine of breakfast in bed
The specific ritual matters less than having something you both prioritize and protect. These become your relationship anchors consistent reminders that you’re a team.
8. Learn to Appreciate Your Partner
This goes deeper than gratitude (though they’re cousins). Appreciation is about truly seeing your partner for who they are and communicating that you value them.
Most people feel invisible in their relationships. They work, contribute, try their best, and it goes unnoticed. Their partner sees what they do wrong but takes the good stuff for granted. That’s soul crushing.
When was the last time you told your partner specifically what you love about them? Not just “thanks for doing the dishes,” but “I love how thoughtful you are” or “You have such a great sense of humor” or “I admire how hard you work for our family.”
Make appreciation tangible by writing little notes and leaving them where your partner will find them (or use Lasting Love Letters to send digital ones), brag about them to other people (and let them overhear it), thank them for specific things they do, tell them what character qualities you admire in them, and show physical affection randomly throughout the day
Here’s what’s beautiful about appreciation it’s self fulfilling. When people feel valued, they naturally become more valuable to be around. When they feel loved, they become more loving.
9. Love Your Partner Even When You Don’t Feel Like It
This might be the most important section of this entire article, so pay attention.
Love is not just an emotion. It’s a decision you make every single day. Some days that decision feels effortless because you’re overwhelmed with warm feelings. Other days maybe most days in a struggling relationship love feels like hard work.
That’s normal. That’s not failure. That’s real love.
When someone hurts your feelings, love is choosing not to retaliate. When you’re tired and stressed, love is still being kind instead of taking it out on them. When they’re going through a difficult time and aren’t their best selves, love is sticking around and supporting them anyway.
I had a client who transformed her marriage by doing one simple thing: For 30 days, she treated her husband the way she wanted to be treated, regardless of how he was acting. No keeping score, no waiting for him to change first.
By day 20, he started asking what had gotten into her and why she was being so loving. By day 30, he was matching her energy.
10. Forgive and Let Go
Oof, we’ve reached the big one. The relationship advice everyone gives but nobody really explains how to do.
Forgiveness isn’t about forgetting what happened or pretending it was okay. It’s about releasing the resentment so it stops poisoning your relationship. It’s choosing to stop punishing your partner (and yourself) for past mistakes.
Holding onto hurt is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. It doesn’t work, and it makes you miserable in the process.
This is often the hardest part, especially if your partner broke your trust in a significant way.
You might need professional help to work through betrayal or deep wounds – platforms like BetterHelp or Talkspace offer couples counseling options. There’s no shame in that – some hurts are too big to heal without support.
But here’s the truth: You can’t build a future on a foundation of resentment. At some point, you have to choose between holding onto the hurt or holding onto the relationship. You can’t have both.
Final Words
Look, I’m not going to lie to you – this work isn’t easy. Some days you’ll nail it, and other days you’ll wonder why you’re even trying. That’s completely normal.
Rebuilding a relationship is like getting back in shape after being sedentary for years. The first few workouts are brutal. Your muscles are weak, you feel awkward, and you question whether it’s worth it.
But if you stick with it consistently, you start seeing progress. You get stronger. Things that felt impossible become routine.
The same thing happens with relationships. The first few weeks of intentionally connecting might feel forced or awkward. You’re rebuilding muscles you haven’t used in a while.
But if you both commit to the process, you’ll start seeing glimpses of who you used to be together. Then more than glimpses. Then suddenly you’ll realize you’re not just going through the motions anymore, you’re actually enjoying each other again.
The key points to remember:
- Start with understanding what went wrong
- Use tools like Paired or Love Nudge to improve communication
- Communicate openly and listen genuinely
- Practice gratitude and appreciation daily
- Be willing to compromise and meet in the middle
- Focus on what’s working, not just what’s broken
- Prioritize physical and emotional intimacy
- Create new positive rituals together
- Choose love even when it’s hard
- Release resentment through forgiveness
Give yourselves time. Be patient with the process and with each other. Most importantly, remember that the fact you’re both here, reading this, trying to figure it out – that’s already proof that the spark isn’t dead. It’s just waiting for you to fan it back into flame.
You’ve got this. And your relationship is worth fighting for 🙂
