You think you know your partner pretty well, right? You know their coffee order, their favorite Netflix show, and that weird thing they do when they’re nervous.
But here’s the uncomfortable truth: most couples know the surface stuff while missing the deeper layers that actually matter. They can tell you their partner’s pizza topping preferences, but have no clue about their core fears or what commitment actually means to them.
I’ve spent over 20 years counseling couples, and the pattern is always the same. The relationships that thrive aren’t built on knowing trivia about each other.
They’re built on understanding the fundamental things that make your partner who they are. Their values. Their wounds. Their dreams. The stuff that actually shapes how they love and live.
Today, I’m walking you through 14 essential things you absolutely need to know about your partner if you want a relationship that lasts. These aren’t fun facts for game night.
These are the foundational pieces of information that determine whether you’re truly compatible or just two people enjoying each other’s company until reality hits.
Ready to go deeper? Let’s do this.
14 Things You Should Know About Your Partner
These aren’t suggestions. They’re requirements for any relationship that wants to survive beyond the honeymoon phase. Let’s break them down.
1. Their Love Language
Ever feel like you’re pouring love into your partner, but they’re not feeling it? Yeah, that’s probably because you’re speaking different love languages.
Dr. Gary Chapman’s concept of love languages changed how we understand relationships. Some people feel loved through words of affirmation. Others need quality time, acts of service, physical touch, or receiving gifts. None of these is better or worse. They’re just different.
Here’s where couples mess up: they love their partner the way they want to be loved, not the way their partner needs to be loved.
I worked with Amanda and Chris, who were on the verge of breaking up. Amanda was furious because Chris “never did anything” for her.
Chris was exhausted because he was constantly buying her gifts that she barely acknowledged. Turns out, Amanda’s love language was quality time, and Chris’s was receiving gifts.
They were both trying to love each other but completely missing the mark. Once they understood each other’s love language, everything shifted. Chris started putting his phone away during dinner and planning weekend getaways.
Amanda started acknowledging his thoughtful gestures. Their entire dynamic transformed. Figure out your partner’s love language and actually speak it. Your relationship will thank you.
If you need help identifying love languages, check out The 5 Love Languages website for a free quiz.
2. Their Core Values
Values are the non-negotiables that guide how someone lives their life. They’re the principles that inform every major decision your partner makes.
Some people value loyalty above everything. Others prioritize freedom, honesty, family, ambition, creativity, or security. These values shape how they approach relationships, money, career, parenting, and pretty much everything else.
Here’s the thing: You don’t need identical values to have a great relationship. But your core values can’t be in direct opposition, or you’ll fight constantly without even understanding why.
I’ve seen it happen over and over. One partner values spontaneity and adventure. The other values security and stability. Neither is wrong, but if they can’t find a middle ground, every decision becomes a battle.
Take Jasmine and Marcus. Jasmine grew up poor and valued financial security above all else. Marcus grew up comfortable and valued experiences over savings.
They fought about money constantly until they understood they weren’t fighting about the actual dollars. They were fighting about their core values. Once they recognized that, they could create compromises that honored both perspectives.
Talk to your partner about what really matters to them. Ask what principles guide their decisions. Understand what they’re willing to fight for and what they’re willing to compromise on. This conversation will save you years of confused arguments.
3. Their Biggest Fears
Fear drives behavior more than most people realize. Your partner’s deepest fears influence how they act in relationships, often in ways they don’t even recognize.
Someone who fears abandonment might become clingy or, paradoxically, push you away before you can leave them. A man who fears failure might never take risks or might overwork themselves to the point of exhaustion.
Person who fears vulnerability might keep you at arm’s length emotionally, no matter how much they claim to love you.
Understanding your partner’s fears helps you decode their behavior when it doesn’t make logical sense.
I remember working with David, whose girlfriend, Sara, would pick fights whenever they got really close emotionally. He thought she was just difficult. Turns out, Sarah’s dad left when she was seven, and she was terrified of abandonment.
Her brain had learned that closeness leads to loss, so she’d sabotage the relationship before David could hurt her.
Once David understood this pattern, he could reassure her instead of getting defensive. He could recognize her fear-based behavior for what it was and respond with patience instead of anger.
Your partner’s fears aren’t weaknesses. They’re survival mechanisms developed in response to past pain. When you understand them, you can become a source of safety instead of accidentally triggering their worst nightmares.
4. Their Long-Term Goals
Where’s your partner headed in life? What do they want to accomplish? What does success look like to them?
If you don’t know the answers to these questions, you’re building a relationship on quicksand.
Compatibility isn’t just about enjoying each other’s company right now. It’s about wanting to head in roughly the same direction long-term. You don’t need identical goals, but your goals can’t be mutually exclusive.
One of you wants kids; the other definitely doesn’t. One wants to live abroad; the other won’t leave their hometown. One wants to retire early and travel; the other plans to work until they die. These aren’t small differences you can just work out later.
These are fundamental incompatibilities that destroy relationships. I’ve counseled too many couples who avoided these conversations for years, thinking love would somehow make everything work out. It doesn’t.
Talk about career aspirations, family plans, lifestyle preferences, retirement dreams, and personal growth goals. Make sure you’re both rowing in the same direction, or at least that your different directions don’t require rowing away from each other.
5. Their Relationship With Family
Your partner’s family shaped them in ways they probably don’t even fully understand.
The way their parents loved each other (or didn’t) taught them what relationships should look like. The way they were raised informs how they communicate, handle conflict, express emotions, and show love.
Someone raised in a home where people yelled during disagreements will approach conflict differently from someone raised where emotions were suppressed.
Some whose parents were affectionate will have different expectations about physical touch than someone whose family never hugged.
You need to understand your partner’s family dynamics because they’re playing out in your relationship, whether you realize it or not.
Also, you need to know: Are they close with their family or estranged? Do they seek family approval for major decisions? Are there toxic family members who’ll cause problems? Do they have unresolved family trauma that affects how they love?
Elena came to therapy devastated because her fiancé kept canceling their wedding plans. When we dug deeper, she discovered he watched his parents’ marriage implode in a brutal divorce when he was 12.
Marriage terrified him because his only model was catastrophic failure. Elena had no idea because he’d never talked about it.
Your partner’s family history isn’t just backstory. It’s the foundation of how they understand love and relationships. Know it. Understand it. Factor it into how you love them.
6. Their Triggers And Insecurities
Everyone has emotional landmines that set off disproportionate reactions. These triggers stem from old wounds, past trauma, and deep insecurities.
Your partner might lose their mind if you’re five minutes late because their ex was chronically unreliable, and lateness now signals disrespect. They might shut down completely when you raise your voice because they grew up with a parent who yelled.
They might get irrationally jealous when you talk to your attractive coworker because their last partner cheated.
These reactions aren’t logical. They’re emotional. And if you don’t understand what’s triggering them, you’ll think your partner is just being difficult or crazy.
Tom and his girlfriend Rachel fought constantly because he’d make jokes at her expense in front of friends. He thought he was being funny and playful. She felt humiliated and belittled.
Turns out, Rachel was bullied mercilessly as a kid. Public teasing triggered her childhood trauma, even when Tom meant it affectionately.
Once Tom understood this, he stopped making those jokes. Problem solved. But if Rachel hadn’t explained her trigger, they’d still be fighting about it.
Talk about what pushes each other’s buttons. Discuss the sensitive topics and behaviors that trigger painful reactions. When you know your partner’s emotional vulnerabilities, you can love them more carefully.
7. Their Past Traumas Or Experiences
Nobody comes into a relationship as a blank slate. We all carry scars, baggage, and unresolved pain from our past.
Maybe your partner was betrayed by someone they trusted completely. Maybe they experienced abuse, neglect, or loss that fundamentally changed them. Maybe they’ve struggled with addiction, mental health issues, or traumatic events that still affect them.
Understanding your partner’s past helps you make sense of their present. It explains behaviors that might otherwise seem confusing or frustrating.
I worked with a couple where the wife would freak out anytime her husband didn’t answer his phone immediately. He found it controlling and suffocating. When she finally opened up, she revealed that her brother died in a car accident, and she’d been unable to reach him that day. Her phone anxiety wasn’t about control. It was about unhealed trauma.
Your partner’s past experiences don’t define them, but they do shape them. When you understand what they’ve survived, you can offer patience and compassion instead of judgment.
Create a safe space where your partner can share their history without fear of being judged or dismissed. Their vulnerability is a gift. Treat it as such.
8. Their Religious Or Spiritual Beliefs
Spirituality shapes worldview, values, and life choices. Whether your partner is deeply religious, casually spiritual, or completely atheist, their beliefs matter.
These beliefs influence how they think about morality, purpose, death, family, and what happens after we die. They guide major decisions like whether to get married in a church, how to raise children, and how to handle moral dilemmas.
Religious differences don’t automatically doom a relationship, but they require honest conversation and mutual respect. Problems arise when couples avoid discussing faith until major decisions force the issue.
Will you raise kids in a specific religion? Will you attend services together? How will you handle holidays? What happens if one person’s faith evolves?
I counseled a couple where she was devoutly Christian and he was agnostic. They never discussed it seriously until she got pregnant and suddenly wanted their child baptized. He was blindsided. She felt betrayed that he wouldn’t support something so important to her.
The issue wasn’t the baptism. The issue was that they’d avoided a crucial conversation for years.
FYI: You don’t have to agree on everything, but you do have to understand and respect each other’s beliefs. Talk about faith early and often. It matters more than you think.
9. Their Financial Habits
Money fights destroy more relationships than infidelity. Financial compatibility isn’t about how much money you have. It’s about how you think about and handle money.
Is your partner a saver or a spender? Do they budget meticulously or wing it? Are they financially anxious or relaxed? Do they have debt? What are their money goals?
These aren’t trivial questions. How you handle money reflects your values, your past, and your priorities. Someone who grew up poor often has a completely different relationship with money than someone who grew up wealthy.
I’ve watched couples implode over financial disagreements they never saw coming. One partner wants to save for retirement. The other wants to enjoy life now.
Or one sees a budget as security. The other sees it as a restriction. Neither is wrong, but if they can’t find common ground, the fights never end.
Kevin and his wife nearly divorced over money. He grew up watching his parents lose everything in the 2008 recession, so he saved obsessively. She grew up comfortable and enjoyed spending on experiences.
They both thought their approach was obviously correct and the other was obviously wrong.
Talk about money early, openly, and often. Discuss spending habits, savings goals, debt, and financial expectations. Create a plan that honors both perspectives. This conversation feels uncomfortable, but it’s essential.
IMO, couples who can’t talk about money honestly are headed for disaster. Don’t be one of them.
10. Their Conflict Style
How you fight determines whether your relationship thrives or dies. Seriously.
Some people need to talk through problems immediately. Others need space to process before discussing anything. Some people raise their voices when upset. Others shut down completely.
Some want to solve the problem right away. Others need to feel heard before they can problem-solve.
None of these styles is inherently wrong, but they can clash catastrophically if you don’t understand each other’s approach.
I’ve seen couples where one person’s instinct is to pursue and talk it out while the other’s instinct is to withdraw and process alone. The pursuer feels abandoned. The withdrawer feels suffocated.
They’re both trying to handle conflict in the way that feels safest to them, but they’re making each other miserable in the process.
Understanding your partner’s conflict style helps you fight productively instead of destructively. It helps you recognize that their reaction isn’t about you; it’s about how they’ve learned to handle disagreement.
Talk about how you both handle conflict when you’re not in the middle of one. Discuss what you need when you’re upset, what makes things worse, and how you can support each other through disagreements.
This single conversation can transform your entire relationship dynamic.
11. Their Hobbies And Passions
What lights your partner up? What makes them lose track of time because they’re so engrossed? What would they do even if nobody paid them?
Your partner’s passions reveal what makes them feel alive and fulfilled. When you understand what brings them joy, you understand them on a deeper level.
You don’t have to share all their interests, but you do need to respect and support them. Nothing kills intimacy faster than dismissing or belittling what your partner cares about.
I’ve counseled countless people whose partners mocked their hobbies or made them feel guilty for having interests outside the relationship. “Why do you waste time on that?” “When are you going to grow up and stop playing video games?” “That’s such a pointless hobby.”
This attitude is toxic. Your partner’s passions aren’t frivolous wastes of time. They’re essential parts of who they are.
Sarah loved painting but stopped doing it after her boyfriend repeatedly called it “her little art phase.” Years later, in therapy, she realized how much resentment she carried about sacrificing something she loved.
When you force your partner to choose between you and their passion, you’ve already lost. Ask your partner about their interests. Show genuine curiosity. Attend that concert with them even if it’s not your music.
Watch them play that sport even if you don’t understand the rules. Celebrate what makes them happy.
Supporting your partner’s passions strengthens your bond and shows them you value who they are, not just who you want them to be.
12. Their Sexual Preferences And Boundaries
Sex and intimacy are crucial parts of romantic relationships, yet most couples struggle to talk about them openly.
Understanding your partner’s desires, boundaries, preferences, and comfort levels creates a fulfilling intimate life for both of you. It also prevents hurt, resentment, and disappointment down the road.
What turns your partner on? What turns them off? What are their hard boundaries? How important is physical intimacy to them? How do they feel about frequency, spontaneity, experimentation?
These conversations feel awkward, but they’re essential. When you don’t discuss preferences and boundaries, you’re both just guessing and hoping you get it right.
I’ve worked with couples who had completely mismatched expectations about intimacy but never discussed it because they felt embarrassed. One person felt rejected and unloved. The other felt pressured and guilty. Both were suffering silently because they couldn’t have an honest conversation about sex.
Create a safe space where you can both share openly without judgment. Discuss what you enjoy, what you’re curious about, and what’s off the table. Check in regularly because preferences change over time.
Physical intimacy should bring you closer together, not create distance and tension. Open communication makes that possible 🙂
13. Their Love History
Your partner’s past relationships shaped their current approach to love. Understanding their relationship history helps you avoid repeating past mistakes and understand present behaviors.
Were they cheated on? Were they the ones who ended things? Were they in toxic relationships? Did they experience betrayal, neglect, or emotional abuse?
These experiences leave marks. Someone who was cheated on might struggle with trust. Someone who was emotionally manipulated might be hypervigilant about your words and actions. Someone whose ex was financially irresponsible might be anxious about money.
Understanding where these patterns come from helps you respond with empathy instead of frustration.
Maria came to therapy confused about why her boyfriend got so upset when she went out with male friends. When he finally opened up, he revealed his ex-wife had an affair with a “friend” she constantly assured him not to worry about. His jealousy wasn’t about Maria. It was about unhealed wounds from his past.
You’re not responsible for fixing your partner’s past pain, but understanding it helps you love them better. It also helps you recognize when past trauma is bleeding into your present relationship in unhealthy ways.
Have honest conversations about past relationships. What did they learn? What do they wish they’d done differently? What patterns do they want to avoid repeating?
14. Their Definition Of Commitment
Here’s something most couples never discuss until it’s too late: What does commitment actually mean to each of you?
You might assume you’re on the same page, but assumptions destroy relationships. One person thinks commitment means marriage and kids. The other thinks it means emotional exclusivity, but keeping separate finances.
One thinks it means merging lives completely. The other thinks it means maintaining independence while prioritizing each other. These differences aren’t small. They’re fundamental.
I’ve seen couples date for years, assuming they had the same understanding of commitment, only to realize they had completely different visions. By then, they’re so invested that the revelation devastates them.
What does commitment look like to your partner? What timeline do they envision? What milestones matter to them? How do they define “serious”? What are they working toward?
Don’t assume. Ask directly. Clarify explicitly. Make sure you’re both building toward the same future, not just enjoying the present while imagining completely different endings.
This conversation might be uncomfortable, but it’s infinitely better than wasting years on someone whose definition of commitment doesn’t align with yours.
Final Thoughts
These 14 things aren’t a checklist you complete once and forget about. Your partner evolves. Their goals shift. Their perspectives change. What scared them five years ago might not scare them now. What they valued when you met might not be what they value today.
Look, surface-level knowledge is easy. Knowing their favorite movie or how they take their coffee is nice, but it won’t sustain a relationship through hard times.
So put down your phone. Turn off the TV. Ask your partner one of these questions tonight. Really listen to their answer. Follow up with more questions. Create the kind of conversation that deepens your understanding of who they are.
Your relationship will be stronger for it. I promise.
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