Nobody warns you about the real stuff, do they? All the wedding planning focuses on the dress, the venue, the flowers, and zero attention goes to preparing you for actual marriage.
Then you wake up three months in wondering why nobody mentioned that your spouse would leave wet towels on the bathroom floor every single day despite multiple conversations about it.
After nearly two decades of counseling couples and living through my own 20+ year marriage, I’ve compiled a list of things I desperately wish someone had told me before I said “I do.” Not to scare you, to prepare you.
Because FYI, the couples who thrive are the ones who know what they’re getting into and still choose it anyway.
For pre-marriage guidance, check out Prepare/Enrich for comprehensive premarital assessments.
Here’s the truth: marriage is incredible and hard and beautiful and frustrating, often all in the same day. The fairy tale version you see in movies?
That’s not real life. Real marriage is choosing the same person every day, even when they’re annoying the hell out of you.
I remember sitting in my own therapist’s office five years into my marriage, crying because I thought something was fundamentally wrong with us. We were fighting about stupid things, I felt unheard, and I wondered if we’d made a mistake. My therapist looked at me and said, “Welcome to marriage. You’re completely normal.”
That moment changed everything for me. I realized I’d entered marriage with unrealistic expectations based on romance novels and romantic comedies. Nobody had prepared me for the actual work, the daily choices, the mundane reality mixed with profound love.
Ready for the 12 things I wish I knew before getting married? Let’s talk about the real stuff nobody tells you 🙂
12 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married
These aren’t warnings to discourage you from marriage, they’re insights to help you build something that actually lasts. Consider this your unofficial marriage prep course from someone who’s been in the trenches and helped hundreds of others navigate theirs.
1. Communication Is Key, Even About The Small Stuff
It’s not just the big conversations that matter, it’s the daily check-ins, the “how was your day” discussions, and yes, even talking about who’s picking up milk on the way home.
I wish I’d known that those little unspoken frustrations don’t just disappear. They pile up like dirty laundry until suddenly you’re having a massive fight about something seemingly trivial because you’ve been holding in 47 other things.
What I mean by small stuff:
- Whose turn it is to do dishes (again)
- How you’re actually feeling about your day
- Minor irritations before they become major resentments
- Daily schedules and expectations
- Random thoughts you want to share
Early in my marriage, I stayed quiet about small annoyances because I thought bringing them up made me petty. Spoiler alert: those small annoyances grew into big resentments. One day I exploded about something tiny because I’d been suppressing everything else.
Now I know better. Small, regular conversations prevent explosive big ones. When you communicate about the little things, you’re actually practicing for the hard conversations that will inevitably come.
Improve communication with Lasting for daily exercises or Gottman Card Decks for conversation prompts.
2. Conflict Is Normal And Can Strengthen Your Bond
I thought happy couples didn’t fight. Wrong. So wrong. Happy couples fight, they just fight fair and resolve things instead of letting resentment build.
When I got married, I genuinely believed that if we were truly compatible, we wouldn’t argue. The first time we had a real fight, I panicked and thought we’d made a terrible mistake. I called my mom crying, convinced our marriage was doomed.
She laughed (not unkindly) and said, “Honey, your father and I have been married 40 years and we still argue. The question isn’t whether you fight, it’s how you fight.”
Healthy conflict looks like:
- Addressing the issue, not attacking the person
- Taking breaks when emotions run too high
- Listening to understand, not to win
- Apologizing when you’re wrong
- Seeking compromise instead of demanding your way
Conflict reveals what matters to each person. When you navigate disagreements respectfully, you actually understand each other better. The goal isn’t to never fight, it’s to fight productively and come out stronger on the other side.
I’ve learned that some of our deepest growth as a couple has come through working through conflicts.
Those hard conversations where we’re vulnerable and honest? They’ve created more intimacy than a hundred romantic date nights.
3. Personal Growth Doesn’t Stop After Marriage
Marriage isn’t the finish line where you stop growing and evolving. You’re still going to change, develop new interests, shift perspectives, and become different versions of yourself.
I wish I’d known that this is normal and healthy, not something to fear. The question isn’t whether you’ll change, it’s whether you’ll grow together or grow apart.
In my first few years of marriage, I resisted change in both of us. I wanted us to stay exactly as we were when we fell in love.
When my husband developed new interests or changed his opinions on things, I felt threatened. Was he becoming someone different? Someone I didn’t marry?
Then I realized: I was changing too. My career goals shifted, hobbies evolved. My worldview expanded. And that was good. We were both becoming more complete versions of ourselves.
Supporting each other’s growth means:
- Encouraging new interests and hobbies
- Celebrating career changes and pursuits
- Respecting evolving opinions and beliefs
- Giving space for personal development
- Growing together while maintaining individuality
The couples I work with who’ve been married 30, 40, 50 years? They’re not the same people who got married. They’ve grown and evolved together, adapting and choosing each other through every new phase.
4. Financial Transparency Is Essential
Money fights will happen if you don’t get on the same page early. Different spending habits, savings goals, and attitudes about money can destroy even the strongest connection.
I wish someone had told me to have the uncomfortable money conversations before marriage, not after. My husband and I learned this the hard way when we discovered, six months into marriage, that we had completely different approaches to spending and saving.
He was a saver who agonized over every purchase. I was more spontaneous with money, believing you can’t take it with you. Neither approach was wrong, but they created constant tension until we learned to compromise.
Money conversations to have:
- Current debt (student loans, credit cards, etc.)
- Spending patterns and philosophies
- Savings goals and retirement plans
- Who manages the finances
- Individual spending limits before discussion needed
- Financial priorities (house, travel, experiences, things)
IMO, financial infidelity (hiding spending, secret accounts) is as damaging as sexual infidelity. The breach of trust cuts just as deep.
We eventually created a system where we have shared accounts for household expenses and individual accounts for personal spending. It’s not the only way, but it’s what works for us. Find your own system, but find it together.
Use YNAB or Mint to manage finances together transparently.
5. Love Changes And Grows Over Time
The butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling isn’t supposed to last forever. I wish I’d known that the love that evolves, deeper, steadier, more comfortable, is actually better than the initial infatuation.
When the honeymoon phase ended and I stopped getting butterflies every time my husband walked in the room, I panicked. Did this mean I didn’t love him anymore? Was the spark gone?
No. The spark had just transformed into something warmer and more sustainable. Butterfly love burns bright but burns out quickly. Mature love is like coals, steady, warm, and lasting.
Different stages of love:
- Passionate love (the beginning, all butterflies and obsession)
- Companionate love (deep friendship and comfort)
- Committed love (choosing each other through everything)
- Renewed romance (reigniting passion intentionally)
You’ll cycle through these stages multiple times throughout your marriage. Sometimes you’ll feel intensely romantic. Sometimes you’ll feel like comfortable roommates. Both are normal.
The key is understanding that when you’re in the comfortable stage, it doesn’t mean the romance is dead. It means you need to intentionally nurture it, not assume something’s wrong and panic.
6. Maintaining Individuality Is Important
You don’t become “we” and lose “me.” I made this mistake early on, abandoning friendships, hobbies, and interests because I thought being a good wife meant making my husband my entire world.
Bad idea. Really bad idea. By year three, I’d lost myself completely. I had no hobbies he wasn’t part of, no friends I saw independently, no interests that were just mine. And guess what? I wasn’t happy, which meant our marriage wasn’t happy.
My husband actually told me he missed the independent woman he’d fallen in love with. That wake-up call changed everything.
Maintaining individuality means:
- Keeping your friendships (yes, even the single friends)
- Pursuing your hobbies independently
- Having your own goals and dreams
- Spending time apart regularly
- Being your own person who chooses to share life
Now I have girls’ nights, solo hobbies, and friendships that are entirely mine. And our marriage is stronger for it because I bring new energy and experiences back to our relationship.
Your partner fell in love with you, don’t disappear into the relationship and wonder why they seem less interested.
7. It’s Okay To Need Space
Needing alone time doesn’t mean you don’t love your spouse. I wish I’d understood this sooner instead of taking it personally every time my husband wanted space.
I’m an extrovert who recharges through connection. He’s an introvert who recharges through solitude. Early in our marriage, this difference nearly broke us. When he needed space, I felt rejected. When I wanted constant togetherness, he felt suffocated.
We finally learned that our different needs for space aren’t personal rejections, they’re just different ways of functioning. Now when he needs alone time, I use it for my own activities. When I need connection, we schedule it.
Everyone needs time to recharge. Giving each other room to breathe makes the time together better, not worse. It prevents resentment and allows you both to come back to the relationship refreshed.
Signs you need space:
- Feeling irritable with your spouse for no real reason
- Craving alone time constantly
- Feeling suffocated by togetherness
- Missing solo activities you used to enjoy
These aren’t signs your marriage is failing. They’re signs you need to recharge individually so you can show up better as a couple.
8. Patience Goes A Long Way
Your spouse will annoy you. Regularly. This is normal. I wish I’d known that patience isn’t just for the big stuff, it’s for the daily quirks and habits that drive you slightly crazy.
My husband chews ice. Loudly. Every. Single. Day. For the first year of marriage, this drove me absolutely insane. I’d leave the room, make snarky comments. I’d basically lose my mind over frozen water.
Then one day I realized: he’s not chewing ice AT me. It’s just a habit. Is this really the hill I want to die on? Is ice-chewing worth the constant irritation I was creating?
I let it go. And you know what? Now I barely notice. Patience allowed me to accept something I couldn’t change and focus on the thousand things I love about him instead.
Deep breaths help. Remembering their good qualities helps more. Choosing patience over irritation repeatedly builds the foundation of lasting love.
The things that annoy you about your spouse right now? In ten years, you probably won’t even notice them. Choose your battles wisely.
9. Compromise Is Crucial But Doesn’t Mean Losing Yourself
Real compromise means both people giving some things and getting other things. It’s not one person always sacrificing while the other always gets their way.
I wish I’d known that healthy compromise respects both people’s needs, not just one person’s. Early on, I compromised on everything because I wanted to be agreeable. Then I woke up one day and realized I’d compromised myself out of existence.
True compromise looks like:
- Both people adjust, not just one
- Solutions that work for both parties
- Taking turns when preferences conflict
- Creative problem-solving that honors both needs
- Nobody consistently getting their way
Example: My husband wanted to live in the suburbs. I wanted city life. We compromised by choosing a neighborhood on the edge of the city, walkable urban amenities with some green space.
Neither of us got exactly what we wanted, but we both got enough of what we needed.
Find solutions that work for both of you, not just surrender disguised as compromise. Your needs matter just as much as your spouse’s.
10. Family Dynamics And In-Laws Matter More Than Expected
You’re not just marrying your spouse, you’re merging with their entire family system. This shocked me. I didn’t realize how much family dynamics would impact our marriage.
My family is loud, affectionate, and all up in each other’s business. His family is reserved, private, and values independence. These different family cultures created confusion and conflict we didn’t anticipate.
Holiday expectations, family visit frequency, how much information to share, boundaries around advice, all of this becomes way more complicated than you expect. Add kids to the mix and it gets even more complex.
Setting boundaries with extended family while remaining respectful is crucial. Your spouse needs to have your back when family oversteps, and you need to have theirs. This is non-negotiable.
I’ve counseled too many couples where one partner lets their family disrespect their spouse, and it destroys the marriage from the inside. Your primary loyalty is to your spouse now, not your parents.
11. Prioritizing Quality Time Is Necessary For Connection
Life will try to crowd out couple time if you let it. Work, kids, responsibilities, they’ll consume every minute unless you protect time for just the two of you.
I wish I’d known that date nights and quality time aren’t optional extras, they’re essential maintenance. Like changing the oil in your car, skip it long enough and your engine breaks down.
In the chaos of young kids and demanding careers, we went months without a real date. We were roommates managing a household together, not partners building a life. The distance grew until we barely recognized each other.
We had to get intentional. Weekly date nights became non-negotiable. Even 30 minutes of phone-free conversation daily made a massive difference. This time investment keeps you connected through everything else.
Quality time doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. It just has to be protected and prioritized. Choose your relationship over everything competing for your attention.
12. Marriage Takes Continuous Effort And Intentionality
There’s no “happily ever after” autopilot mode. Marriage requires ongoing effort, intentional choices, and consistent investment in each other.
This is the big one. The thing I wish someone had really driven home before I got married. Marriage isn’t something you do once (the wedding) and then coast on forever.
It’s something you choose every single day. Some days that choice is easy, some days it’s hard. Some days it’s the hardest thing you’ll do. But the choice to keep showing up, keep trying, keep investing? That’s what creates lasting marriages.
I wish someone had told me that the work of maintaining a happy marriage is way easier than the work of surviving an unhappy one or recovering from divorce. Choose the easier hard.
The effort looks like:
- Daily expressions of love and appreciation
- Regular quality time together
- Addressing issues before they become crises
- Continuous learning about each other
- Intentional romance and connection
- Choosing each other repeatedly
For ongoing support, try Relish for coaching or The Gottman Institute for research-backed strategies.
Final Thoughts
These 12 insights won’t prevent all problems, but they’ll help you approach marriage with wisdom instead of just optimism. And that makes all the difference between marriages that barely survive and marriages that truly thrive.
Looking back on my 20+ years of marriage, I can honestly say that knowing what I know now, I’d still marry my husband in a heartbeat. But I’d enter it more prepared, with realistic expectations, and ready for the actual work instead of waiting for the fairy tale.
Now go have those important conversations before you walk down that aisle. Your future married self will thank you 🙂
