Look, I’m not going to sugarcoat this. You know that gut feeling you get when something’s just not right in your relationship?
That little voice telling you to pay attention? Yeah, that’s probably a deal breaker, waving a giant red flag right in your face.
After spending over a decade helping couples navigate their most challenging relationship issues.
I’ve observed patterns emerge. Some issues? They’re fixable with good communication and effort.
But others? They’re relationship killers that’ll drain your happiness faster than you can say “couple’s therapy.”
Let me be real with you. I’ve watched too many people ignore obvious warning signs because they were in love or hoped things would magically change.
Spoiler alert: they rarely do.
So, grab your coffee and let’s talk about the deal breakers that should send you running for the hills.
What Is A Relationship Deal Breaker?
Think of a deal breaker as that one ingredient in a recipe that ruins the whole dish if you include it. No matter how much sugar you add, you can’t fix a cake with salt instead of flour, right?
A relationship deal breaker is any behavior, attitude, or life perspective that threatens your well-being, your goals, or the foundation of your partnership.
We’re talking about things that mess with your mental health, your career ambitions, your physical safety, or your basic happiness.
These aren’t just minor annoyances like leaving the toilet seat up (though honestly, that’s annoying too).
These are fundamental incompatibilities or harmful patterns that erode trust, respect, and love over time.
Here’s what makes deal breakers tricky: they’re personal. What sends me packing might not bother you at all.
But there are some universal ones that most healthy people recognize as problematic.
What Are The Most Common Relationship Deal-Breakers?
The most common relationship deals breakers include things like financial recklessness, constant dishonesty, emotional unavailability, being treated like you don’t matter, and any form of abuse (physical or emotional).
These show up in my therapy office repeatedly. Why? Because they strike at the core of what makes relationships work: safety, trust, and mutual respect.
You can have amazing chemistry and laugh at the same jokes, but if your partner lies compulsively or handles money like a toddler with a credit card, you’re building on quicksand.
20 Deal Breakers In A Relationship You Should Never Skip
Alright, let’s get into the meat of this. These are the deal breakers that destroy even the most promising relationships. Pay attention because ignoring these will cost you more than just time.
1. Emotional Abuse
This one hits different because the wounds don’t show up on your skin, but trust me, they cut just as deep.
I’ve worked with clients who grew up believing they weren’t good enough because someone constantly criticized them.
Emotional abuse includes putting you down, mocking your dreams, deliberately making you feel small, attacking your self-esteem, or using words as weapons to control you.
It’s not just “having a bad day” or “being brutally honest.” It’s a pattern of tearing you down to make themselves feel powerful.
One client told me her ex would say things like “You’re lucky I’m with you because nobody else would want you.” That’s not love.
That’s manipulation wrapped in a relationship package. If someone treats you this way, they’re showing you exactly who they are. Believe them and leave.
This behavior is actually one of the clearest signs of a toxic relationship.
Your partner should build you up, not systematically destroy your confidence.
2. Nonchalant Attitude
Ever tried having a serious conversation with someone who’s scrolling through their phone and responding with “uh-huh” every few seconds? That’s the tip of the nonchalant iceberg.
A nonchalant partner doesn’t take you seriously, doesn’t value your concerns, and acts like nothing really matters.
They shrug when you talk about your feelings. They forget important dates not because they’re forgetful but because they genuinely don’t prioritize you.
They can’t be bothered to put effort into the relationship because, well, effort requires caring.
Here’s the brutal truth: if someone doesn’t care about anything, what makes you think they’ll suddenly care about you?
You’ll end up being the only person trying to keep the relationship afloat while they coast along doing the bare minimum.
That’s exhausting and completely unfair to you.
3. Physical Abuse
I’m not spending paragraphs on this one because it’s non-negotiable. Physical abuse is an absolute deal breaker, period, end of story.
It doesn’t matter if they apologize afterward. It doesn’t matter if they blame stress or alcohol. It doesn’t matter if they cry and promise it’ll never happen again.
Physical violence affects not just your body but also destroys your sense of safety and damages your mental health in ways that take years to heal.
If someone lays hands on you in anger, you leave. No second chances, no excuses.
Your safety matters more than any relationship. If you need help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
4. Cheating
Let’s talk about betrayal. How would you feel if your partner looked you in the eyes, told you that you’re their one and only, and you later discovered they’ve been running a whole side operation?
Cheating destroys trust faster than anything else in a relationship. I’ve seen it shatter people’s self-esteem in ways that affect them for years.
Suddenly, you’re questioning everything: Was I not enough? What’s wrong with me? Can I ever trust anyone again?
The damage goes beyond the relationship itself. It can make you bitter, suspicious, and fearful in future relationships.
Some people can work through infidelity with proper couples therapy and genuine remorse, but many relationships never fully recover.
The trust is gone, and without trust, you’re just two people playing house.
Top Deal Breakers In A Relationship
5. Lying
Imagine building your life with someone and then realizing you don’t actually know them at all because everything they’ve told you is either a half-truth or complete fiction.
Chronic lying is relationship poison. We’re not talking about saying “yes, that dress looks great” when they ask for the millionth time.
We’re talking about lying about where they were, who they were with, what they’re doing with money, their past, their intentions. Big lies, small lies, lies about lies.
I can’t build a life with someone I can’t trust. How do you make plans with a liar?
How do you feel secure with someone whose words mean nothing? You can’t, and that’s why this is a deal breaker.
A relationship without honesty is just two people performing for each other.
6. Extreme Anger
I had a client once who told me she never knew what would set her partner off. One day, he’d laugh about spilled coffee, the next day, he’d punch a wall over burnt toast.
Extreme anger issues are dangerous because they’re unpredictable and often escalate.
People with uncontrolled rage don’t just yell; they break things, say horrific things they can’t take back, and sometimes become physically aggressive.
The problem isn’t that they feel anger (we all do), it’s that they can’t manage it like a functional adult.
You’re not a therapist, and you’re definitely not a punching bag (literal or metaphorical).
If your partner has serious anger management issues and won’t get professional help, you need to protect yourself.
Love doesn’t mean absorbing someone else’s rage.
7. Laziness
Okay, I need to vent about this one because I lived it. I once dated someone who had the ambition of a sloth on vacation.
Laziness affects everything: career prospects, financial stability, household responsibilities, and basic adulting.
A lazy partner won’t pull their weight around the house. They won’t pursue career growth. They won’t contribute equally to building your shared life.
Instead, you become their parent, their maid, and their sole provider while they… what? Scroll social media all day?
If you’re planning a future together, ask yourself: Do I want to carry the entire load while they coast?
Do I want my kids looking at this person as a role model? Probably not. Laziness isn’t cute; it’s a preview of your exhausting future.
8. Financial Irresponsibility
Money fights are consistently one of the top reasons couples split up, and financial irresponsibility is often the root cause.
A financially reckless partner will destroy your dreams of homeownership, retirement savings, or financial security.
They’ll drain joint accounts for unnecessary purchases. They’ll rack up debt without concern. They’ll make major financial decisions without consulting you.
They’ll prioritize immediate gratification over long-term stability.
I’ve watched clients work two jobs to compensate for a partner’s spending habits. I’ve seen people lose homes because their spouse gambled away the mortgage.
Financial irresponsibility isn’t just annoying; it’s financially abusive when it threatens your stability.
You can’t build wealth or security with someone who treats money like Monopoly cash.
Biggest Deal Breakers In A Relationship
9. Personal Hygiene
Let’s get uncomfortable for a second. If you’re with someone who thinks showering is optional and clean clothes are a suggestion, we need to talk.
Poor personal hygiene isn’t just about attraction (though that matters too); it’s about basic self-respect and consideration for others.
It shows up in neglected dental care, body odor, dirty living spaces, and an overall lack of cleanliness.
Some people genuinely believe someone else should clean up after them, like they’re perpetual children.
If you’re imagining a long-term future, think about this: Do you want to mother a full-grown adult?
Do you want to clean up after them like they’re your third child? Cleanliness matters in shared living spaces.
If they won’t maintain basic hygiene now, marriage won’t magically fix it.
10. Career Goals
Here’s a deal breaker that isn’t necessarily negative but can absolutely destroy a relationship: mismatched life paths.
When your career goals take you in opposite directions, somebody has to sacrifice, and resentment usually follows.
Maybe you’re climbing the corporate ladder in New York while they want to homestead in rural Montana.
Perhaps you’re building a business that requires a 60-hour work week, while they want to be home every evening.
Maybe their job requires constant travel, while you want a present co-parent.
These aren’t character flaws; they’re incompatibilities. I’ve counseled couples who loved each other deeply but couldn’t reconcile their different visions for life.
Sometimes love isn’t enough when your basic life trajectories don’t align.
Better to acknowledge this early than wake up ten years later, wondering where your dreams went.
11. Kids Or No Kids
This is the ultimate make-or-break topic, and yet so many couples avoid it until they’re already emotionally invested.
Wanting or not wanting children is non-negotiable for most people. If you desperately want to be a parent and your partner is firmly child-free (or vice versa), one of you will end up resentful and unfulfilled.
Don’t fool yourself into thinking they’ll change their mind. Don’t assume love will make the issue disappear. It won’t.
I’ve seen this exact scenario play out too many times. Someone compromises on kids, thinking it’s fine, only to wake up five years later, realizing they gave up a fundamental dream.
Or they pressure their partner into parenthood, creating a family dynamic where one parent is resentful and the kids feel it. Nobody wins.
Have this conversation early. If you can’t agree, respect each other enough to walk away before it gets harder.
12. Acceptance
Imagine spending every day with someone who’s actively trying to change fundamental parts of who you are.
If your partner doesn’t accept you as you are (flaws, quirks, body, personality, and all), you’ll spend your entire relationship feeling inadequate.
I worked with a woman whose partner constantly commented on her weight, pushed diets on her, and made “helpful” suggestions about her appearance.
Every interaction chipped away at her self-esteem until she barely recognized herself.
Now, accepting someone doesn’t mean tolerating abusive behavior or excusing genuine problems.
But your partner should love you as you are right now, not some imaginary future version they’re trying to create.
If they’re constantly criticizing your appearance, your personality, or your interests, they don’t want you.
They want their fantasy, and you’re just the raw material they’re trying to mold.
Common Deal Breakers In A Relationship
13. High Living
This one’s about lifestyle compatibility and values, not just money.
A partner obsessed with luxury, status symbols, and keeping up with trends can drain your finances and your sanity.
They need the latest iPhone, designer clothes, expensive restaurants, and luxury vacations, regardless of whether the budget allows it.
Every purchase is about appearances rather than value or necessity.
Beyond the financial strain, this often indicates something deeper: superficiality and misplaced priorities.
If you value experiences over things, saving for the future over impressing people now, or financial security over status, this mismatch will cause constant conflict.
Unless you’re independently wealthy and genuinely don’t care about money (lucky you), this lifestyle approach will stress your relationship and derail your financial goals.
14. Religion
Religion and spirituality can be deeply personal, and that’s exactly why incompatibility here can be devastating.
When partners don’t share core religious beliefs, it affects major life decisions: where to worship, how to raise children, which holidays to celebrate, moral frameworks, and community involvement.
f one partner is deeply religious and the other dismisses it as nonsense, there’s no middle ground that won’t breed resentment.
The deal breaker isn’t necessarily different faiths (interfaith relationships can absolutely work with mutual respect).
The deal breaker is when one partner disrespects, mocks, or undermines what the other holds sacred. Your beliefs matter.
If your partner can’t honor that, even if they don’t share it, you’re fundamentally incompatible.
15. Teachability
Relationships require growth, adaptation, and learning. So what happens when your partner refuses to do any of that?
An unteachable partner won’t adapt to the relationship’s needs, won’t learn your love language, won’t modify harmful behaviors, and won’t grow alongside you.
They believe their way is the only way, and any suggestion for change is met with defensiveness or refusal.
For example, let’s say you need quality time and verbal affirmation to feel loved, but your partner only knows how to show love through gifts and acts of service.
A teachable partner learns your language and adapts. An unteachable one insists you should just appreciate their way and stop trying.
Relationships are living things that require both people to evolve. If one person refuses to learn or grow, the relationship stagnates and eventually dies.
16. Uncaring Attitude
How do you build intimacy with someone who doesn’t care about your life, your dreams, your struggles, or your victories?
An uncaring partner goes through the motions but never genuinely engages with who you are as a person.
They don’t ask about your day with real interest. They don’t remember things that matter to you. They don’t celebrate your achievements or comfort you during hardships.
They’re physically present but emotionally checked out.
This attitude is one of the fastest ways to make someone feel completely alone in a relationship.
You could be sitting next to them on the couch and feel more isolated than if you were actually single.
When someone truly doesn’t care, it shows in a thousand small ways that eventually add up to a massive void in your life.
Worst Deal Breakers In Relationships
17. Insecurity
A little insecurity is human. We all have moments of doubt. But extreme, unmanaged insecurity is relationship kryptonite.
An insecure partner questions your loyalty constantly, monitors your friendships, gets jealous of your coworkers, checks your phone, and restricts who you can see or talk to.
They need constant reassurance, but never actually feel reassured because the problem isn’t you. It’s their own internal issues they’re projecting onto the relationship.
This insecurity kills your freedom, damages your other relationships, and turns love into a suffocating cage.
You can’t grow, can’t maintain friendships, can’t live freely because everything becomes a test of your loyalty. That’s not love; that’s control disguised as caring.
18. Close Relationship With Ex
Okay, controversial opinion time. FYI, I think maintaining close friendships with exes can work in specific circumstances (shared kids, business partnerships, long-cooled feelings in friend groups).
But actively choosing to stay deeply connected to an ex when there’s no practical reason? That’s a problem.
A partner who texts their ex constantly, meets up regularly, shares intimate details with them, or prioritizes that relationship over your comfort is waving a massive red flag.
Either they’re not over the ex, they’re keeping options open, or they have terrible boundaries. None of those options is good for you.
Your feelings about this aren’t jealousy or insecurity (though your partner might claim that to deflect). Your feelings are valid.
Healthy relationships require appropriate boundaries with past romantic partners. If your partner won’t establish those boundaries, question why they’re so invested in keeping that door open.
19. Addiction
Addiction is heartbreaking, complex, and absolutely a deal breaker if the person isn’t actively working on recovery.
Whether it’s substance abuse, gambling, pornography, or any other compulsive behavior, active addiction destroys relationships.
The addiction becomes the third party in your relationship, and it always wins.
Money disappears, trust evaporates, promises get broken, and you become either an enabler or a nagging warden trying to control their behavior.
Here’s the hard truth: you can’t love someone into sobriety. You can’t fix them or save them.
They have to want recovery for themselves, and even then, it’s a difficult journey with potential relapses.
If your partner has an addiction and won’t seek help, you need to protect yourself.
Supporting them doesn’t mean drowning alongside them.
Final Thoughts
After years in the therapy room listening to people’s relationship struggles, I can tell you this: most of these deal breakers show up early.
They’re there in the first few months, waving their red flags frantically. But love (or lust, or loneliness, or hope) makes us ignore them.
We tell ourselves stories: “They’ll change.” “Love conquers all.” “I can fix this.” “It’s not that bad.” :/
Don’t settle for less just because you’re afraid of being alone. The right relationship should make your life better not make you question your worth.
Now go forth and trust yourself. Your future self will thank you.
