You know that feeling when you’re about to take a cross-country road trip, but you haven’t checked your tires, gas tank, or even agreed on the destination? Yeah, that’s basically what happens when couples rush into marriage without proper preparation. And trust me, running out of gas halfway through your journey is way more stressful when there are two people in the car with completely different ideas about where you’re supposed to be heading.
I’ve spent over fifteen years helping couples navigate their relationships, and I can tell you this: the couples who do their homework before marriage are the ones still holding hands at their 30th anniversary. The ones who skip the prep work? They’re often sitting in my office two years later, wondering how they missed all the red flags that were apparently flashing like a disco ball.
Marriage isn’t just about love, though that’s obviously important. It’s about building a life partnership with someone who shares your vision for the future, understands your non-negotiables, and knows how to fight fair when you disagree (because you will disagree, probably about whose turn it is to take out the trash).
The truth is, most people spend more time researching which car to buy than they do discussing major life decisions with their future spouse. And while I’m all for romance and spontaneity, marriage is one area where a little planning can save you years of heartache, thousands of dollars in therapy, and the awkward conversation about how you never actually talked about whether you want kids.
Ready to do this marriage thing right? Let’s talk about the essential conversations and preparations that will set you up for decades of happiness together.
10 Important Things Every Couple Should Do Before Getting Married
These aren’t suggestions, they’re relationship requirements. Skip these at your own risk, because the issues they address don’t magically disappear after you say “I do.” They just get more complicated and expensive to deal with.
1. Make Sure Your Core Values Actually Align
Values aren’t just nice ideas you post on Instagram, they’re the fundamental beliefs that drive your daily decisions, life choices, and long-term goals. And here’s the thing: you can’t compromise on core values without someone ending up resentful.
I’m talking about the big stuff:
- How you view family, career, and personal growth
- Your beliefs about money, success, and lifestyle
- Your attitudes toward honesty, loyalty, and commitment
- Your perspectives on religion, spirituality, or lack thereof
- Your ideas about gender roles and household responsibilities
Don’t assume you share the same values just because you love the same movies or laugh at each other’s jokes. I’ve worked with couples who discovered after marriage that one person valued financial security above all else while the other prioritized adventure and risk-taking. Guess how that turned out?
How to check for value alignment:
- Discuss your top 5 life priorities and see how they compare
- Talk about your heroes and role models, what do you admire about them?
- Share your biggest fears and dreams for the future
- Discuss how you handle moral dilemmas and difficult decisions
If you find major misalignments, don’t panic, but don’t ignore them either. Some differences can be worked through with understanding and compromise, but core value conflicts usually spell trouble.
2. Have The Money Talk (All Of It)
Money fights destroy more marriages than infidelity, and yet most couples have never had a real, honest conversation about finances. This isn’t just about “Do you have debt?”, though that’s important too.
Essential financial discussions:
- Current income, assets, and debts (all of them, including student loans)
- Credit scores and financial history
- Spending habits and money personalities
- Financial goals and priorities (buying a house, retirement, travel)
- Who handles bills, budgets, and major purchase decisions
- Individual spending limits and shared financial responsibilities
Use tools like Mint or YNAB to get a clear picture of both your financial situations. Consider taking a financial compatibility quiz through SmartAboutMoney to identify potential problem areas.
I’ve seen too many couples discover after marriage that one person has $50,000 in credit card debt or that their partner expects to financially support extended family indefinitely. These aren’t relationship enders necessarily, but they need to be discussed and planned for before you combine your lives.
3. Meet Each Other’s Families (Really Meet Them)
Your partner’s family dynamics will impact your marriage whether you like it or not. That’s not necessarily bad news, but it’s information you need to have before making a lifetime commitment.
Spending time with your partner’s family helps you understand:
- How they handle conflict and stress
- Their communication patterns and emotional habits
- What they consider “normal” in relationships
- Potential in-law dynamics you’ll need to navigate
- Family traditions and expectations you might be joining
Pay attention to how your partner interacts with their family. Do they become a different person around their parents? How do they handle family drama or disagreements? These patterns often carry over into marriage.
Also notice how the family treats you and your relationship. Are you welcomed and included, or do you feel like an outsider? Does the family respect boundaries, or are they intrusive and demanding?
You don’t need to love your future in-laws (though it’s nice if you do), but you do need to understand the family dynamics you’re marrying into.
4. Spend Extended Time Together (Beyond Date Nights)
Date nights are fun, but they don’t show you how someone handles real life stress, daily routines, and boring Tuesday evenings. You need to see each other in ordinary, unglamorous situations to really know who you’re marrying.
Ways to spend meaningful time together:
- Take a week-long vacation together (travel stress reveals a lot about people)
- Spend weekends at each other’s places without planned activities
- Handle a stressful situation together (moving, family crisis, work pressure)
- Do mundane tasks together (grocery shopping, cleaning, assembling furniture)
- Experience each other’s daily routines and habits
What you’re looking for: How does your partner handle frustration, disappointment, or
boredom? Are they kind when they’re tired or stressed? Do you enjoy each other’s company even when you’re not doing anything special?
I tell couples they should know each other’s “Tuesday night personality”, the version of themselves that shows up after a long day when there’s nothing exciting happening. That’s who you’ll be married to most of the time.
5. Talk About Kids (Everything About Kids)
This isn’t just “Do you want kids someday?” This is a comprehensive conversation about parenthood that covers timing, parenting styles, family size, and what happens if things don’t go according to plan.
Essential kid-related topics:
- Do you both want children? How many? When?
- What if you can’t have biological children? (adoption, fertility treatments, being childfree)
- Parenting philosophy and discipline approaches
- Work-life balance after having children
- Financial planning for children (daycare, education, activities)
- Extended family involvement in childcare and decisions
- What happens if you have a child with special needs or health issues
Don’t assume your partner shares your vision just because they’re good with your nephew.
I’ve worked with couples where one person assumed they’d have kids “eventually” while the other was firmly childfree, or where they agreed on having children but had completely different ideas about parenting approaches.
Use resources like The National Center on Birth Defects to understand potential challenges, and consider discussing genetic counseling if there are family health concerns.
6. See A Couples Counselor (Before You Need One)
Premarital counseling isn’t therapy for broken relationships, it’s preventive maintenance for healthy ones. Think of it like getting a physical when you feel fine; you’re not looking for problems, you’re making sure everything is working properly.
What premarital counseling can do:
- Identify potential problem areas before they become crises
- Teach communication and conflict resolution skills
- Help you understand each other’s attachment styles and emotional needs
- Address family-of-origin issues that might impact your marriage
- Provide tools for navigating major life transitions together
Look for counselors who use evidence-based approaches like The Gottman Method or Prepare/Enrich. Many religious organizations also offer premarital counseling programs.
Even if you think your relationship is solid, a counselor can spot blind spots and help you build skills that will serve you throughout your marriage. Consider it an investment in your relationship’s long-term success.
7. Take A Trip Together (Longer Than A Weekend)
Travel reveals character like nothing else. When flights are delayed, reservations are lost, and you’re both tired and hungry in a foreign city, you see how your partner handles stress,problem-solving, and disappointment.
What travel together teaches you:
- How you both handle unexpected challenges and changes of plan
- Your different travel styles and comfort levels
- How well you compromise and make decisions together
- Whether you enjoy exploring and experiencing new things as a team
- How you both handle money, planning, and spontaneity
Plan a trip that includes some challenges, navigating a new city, trying unfamiliar foods, dealing with language barriers, or handling schedule changes. You want to see how you work together when things don’t go smoothly.
Use apps like TripIt for organization and Google Translate for communication, but make sure you experience some unplanned moments too.
8. Learn Conflict Resolution Skills Together
You will fight in marriage, the question is whether you’ll fight fair or fight dirty. Learning healthy conflict resolution skills before marriage can prevent minor disagreements from becoming relationship-ending battles.
Essential conflict resolution skills:
- Active listening without getting defensive
- Using “I” statements instead of accusations
- Taking breaks when emotions get too heated
- Focusing on specific behaviors rather than character attacks
- Finding compromise solutions that work for both people
- Knowing when to agree to disagree
Practice these skills on small disagreements now, like where to go for dinner or what to watch on TV. If you can’t navigate minor conflicts respectfully, major disagreements will be disasters.
Consider reading books like “Getting to Yes” by Roger Fisher or taking a communication workshop together through organizations like The Gottman Institute.
9. Define Your Religious And Spiritual Beliefs
This goes way beyond “Are you Christian/Jewish/Muslim/atheist?” Religious and spiritual differences impact everything from how you spend weekends to how you raise children to how you handle major life decisions.
Important spiritual discussions:
- What role does religion/spirituality play in your daily life?
- How important is shared faith to you in marriage?
- What traditions do you want to maintain or create?
- How will you handle holidays and family religious expectations?
- What will you teach children about faith and spirituality?
- How do your beliefs impact major life decisions?
Even if you’re both “not religious,” discuss your beliefs about meaning, purpose, ethics, and how you want to approach life’s big questions. These conversations matter more than you might think.
If you have different faith backgrounds, consider meeting with religious leaders from both traditions to understand potential challenges and opportunities for building bridges.
10. Cultivate Flexibility And Open-Mindedness
Marriage requires constant adaptation, compromise, and growth. If either of you is rigid in your thinking or unwilling to consider other perspectives, you’re setting yourselves up for problems.
Areas where flexibility matters:
- Career changes and opportunities
- Living situations and relocations
- Family planning and parenting decisions
- Financial priorities and spending
- Social relationships and friendships
- Personal growth and changing interests
This doesn’t mean having no boundaries or standards, some things should be non-negotiable. But it does mean approaching your relationship with curiosity rather than control, and being willing to adapt as you both grow and change.
Practice flexibility now by trying new experiences together, considering different viewpoints, and finding creative solutions to problems rather than insisting on doing things “your way.”
5 Things You Must Discuss Before Marriage
These conversations are so crucial that avoiding them is basically relationship malpractice. Don’t put these off or assume you’ll “figure it out later”, later might be too late.
1. Family Dynamics And Expectations
Every family has its own culture, traditions, and expectations, some spoken, some unspoken.
Understanding your partner’s family dynamics helps you prepare for the extended family relationships you’ll be joining.
Key family topics:
- Holiday traditions and expectations
- Family involvement in major decisions
- Financial obligations to extended family
- Boundaries around privacy and independence
- Family communication patterns and conflict styles
- Cultural or ethnic traditions that are important to maintain
Pay attention to generational patterns, how do parents treat each other? How are disagreements handled? What roles do men and women play in the family? These patterns often continue into the next generation unless consciously changed.
2. Parenting Philosophies And Approaches
Having kids and raising kids are two completely different conversations. Even if you both want children, you might have vastly different ideas about how to parent them.
Essential parenting discussions:
- Discipline approaches and consequences
- Educational priorities and school choices
- Technology use and screen time limits
- Extracurricular activities and childhood experiences
- Work-life balance and childcare arrangements
- Values and life skills you want to teach
- How to handle challenges like learning differences or behavioral issues
Consider how you were both raised and what you want to repeat or change. Discuss specific scenarios: How would you handle a teenager who breaks curfew? What if your child struggles academically or socially?
3. Financial Management And Money Decisions
Money conversations need to go deeper than just “How much do you make?” You need to understand each other’s money personalities, spending habits, and financial goals.
Crucial financial topics:
- Individual vs. joint accounts and financial independence
- Major purchase decision-making processes
- Saving and investment strategies
- Debt repayment plans and timelines
- Financial support for extended family
- Career vs. money priorities
- Retirement planning and long-term financial security
Use tools like Personal Capital to track finances together, and consider working with a financial planner to align your money goals.
4. In-Law Relationships And Boundaries
In-law problems destroy marriages when couples haven’t established clear boundaries and united approaches. You need to discuss how you’ll handle challenging family dynamics together.
Important in-law discussions:
- What level of involvement do you want from extended family?
- How will you handle criticism or unwanted advice?
- What boundaries do you need around holidays, visits, and family events?
- How will you present a united front when family conflicts arise?
- What happens if in-laws don’t accept or respect your spouse?
- Financial boundaries around family requests or expectations
Remember: your spouse should always be your primary loyalty. Family relationships are important, but your marriage comes first.
5. Compromise And Sacrifice In Marriage
Marriage is a series of compromises, and you both need to be willing participants in that process. Discuss your attitudes toward giving and taking in relationships.
Compromise conversations:
- What are your absolute non-negotiables vs. areas where you can be flexible?
- How do you handle situations where you both feel strongly about different options?
- What sacrifices are you willing to make for your partner’s happiness or success?
- How do you balance individual needs with couple needs?
- What happens when compromise feels one-sided?
Healthy compromise should feel collaborative, not sacrificial. If one person is always giving in, resentment will build over time.
Final Thoughts
Marriage is the most important contract you’ll ever sign, so treat it with the seriousness it deserves. These pre-marriage conversations and preparations aren’t romantic, but they’re the foundation that allows romance to flourish for decades instead of fizzling out after a few years.
The couples who do this work upfront are the ones who:
- Fight less because they understand each other’s perspectives
- Handle crises better because they’ve already discussed difficult topics
- Feel more confident in their decision to marry because they know what they’re signing up for
- Build stronger marriages because they’ve established good communication patterns from the start
Don’t rush this process. Take the time to have these conversations thoroughly and honestly. If you discover major incompatibilities, it’s better to know now than after you’re married with
shared finances and possibly children.
Remember: there’s no such thing as a perfect match, but there is such a thing as a compatible partnership built on mutual understanding, shared values, and good communication skills.
IMO, the most successful marriages aren’t between people who never disagree, they’re between people who know how to disagree respectfully and work toward solutions together.
That’s a skill you can learn and practice before you walk down the aisle.
FYI, if your partner refuses to have these conversations or gets defensive when you bring up important topics, that’s valuable information too. Someone who can’t discuss life’s realities calmly and openly probably isn’t ready for the realities of marriage :/
Take your time, do your homework, and set yourselves up for the kind of marriage that’s still worth celebrating decades from now.
