Let’s be honest here, when someone mentions long distance marriage, your first thought probably isn’t “Oh, how romantic!” More likely, you’re thinking “How on earth does that even work?” :/
Trust me, I get it. After years of counseling couples through every relationship challenge imaginable, I’ve seen my fair share of long distance marriages that crashed and burned. But I’ve also witnessed some absolutely beautiful success stories that’ll make your heart skip a beat.
Here’s the thing, a long distance marriage isn’t just a regular marriage with some extra miles thrown in. It’s a completely different beast that requires a whole new playbook. And that’s exactly what we’re going to create together today.
Can A Long Distance Marriage Actually Work?
Short answer? Absolutely yes. But let me give you the longer, more honest version.
I’ve worked with couples who’ve made long distance marriages thrive for years, and others who couldn’t make it past three months. The difference? It’s not luck, timing, or even how much you love each other (though that helps!).
The couples who succeed have three non-negotiables:
- Intentional commitment from both partners
- Realistic expectations about what they’re signing up for
- A solid game plan for making it work
See, love alone doesn’t cut it in a long distance marriage. You need strategy, patience, and sometimes a really good sense of humor when technology fails you during your anniversary video call.
What Actually Keeps A Long Distance Marriage Strong?
Here’s something I learned the hard way through my practice, love isn’t just a feeling in long distance marriages; it’s a daily choice.
The couples who make it work understand that some days, you won’t feel in love. Some days, you’ll be frustrated, lonely, and questioning everything. But you choose to love anyway. You choose to pick up the phone, send that text, or book that flight.
What really keeps these marriages strong is intentionality. Both partners deciding, every single day, “We’re going to make this work.” It’s about accepting that this season of your marriage looks different, and that’s okay.
Why Long Distance Marriages Fail (And How to Avoid These Traps)
Let me share some hard truths I’ve observed over the years. These are the big relationship killers I see repeatedly:
Lack Of Communication
This one’s a killer, and it happens faster than you’d think. Most couples start strong, texting all day, video calls every night, the works. But life gets busy, time zones become the enemy, and suddenly you’re down to “Good morning” and “Good night” texts.
Here’s what happens: You stop sharing the little moments. Your partner doesn’t know about your terrible day at work, your funny encounter at the grocery store, or that song that reminded you of them. You drift apart without even realizing it.
Lack Of Intentionality
I can’t tell you how many couples come to me saying, “We thought it would just work itself out.” Spoiler alert: it won’t.
Long distance marriages require deliberate action. You need to schedule date nights, plan visits, and actively work on your connection. It’s not going to happen by accident.
Infidelity Issues
Let’s address the elephant in the room. Humans have physical, emotional, and sexual needs. When your spouse is thousands of miles away, meeting those needs becomes complicated.
I’m not saying everyone cheats, far from it. But the couples who succeed are the ones who acknowledge this challenge upfront and create boundaries and systems to protect their marriage.
Prolonged Absence Without End Goals
Here’s a reality check, if you don’t know when the distance will end, your marriage is in trouble. I’ve seen too many couples who started with “just a few months” that turned into years with no reunion plan.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder only works when there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Without that, it just makes the heart grow tired.
Poor Planning
Flying by the seat of your pants might work for weekend trips, but not for long distance marriages. Couples who don’t plan for visits, don’t discuss expectations, or don’t prepare for challenges are setting themselves up for failure.
18 Proven Ways To Make Your Long Distance Marriage Work
Alright, let’s get to the good stuff, the strategies that actually work. These aren’t just theories; these are battle-tested approaches I’ve seen transform struggling long distance marriages into thriving partnerships.
1. See It As An Opportunity (Really!)
I know, I know, this sounds like toxic positivity at first. But hear me out.
Long distance marriage forces you to become better communicators. You can’t rely on physical presence to carry conversations or resolve conflicts. You have to actually talk things through.
It also helps you appreciate each other more. When you can’t take daily hugs for granted, every reunion becomes special. When you can’t share meals together regularly, every virtual dinner date matters more.
2. Establish Clear Boundaries and Rules
This isn’t about being controlling, it’s about creating security and trust. Some boundaries my successful couples establish:
- No opposite-gender overnight guests Daily check-ins, even if brief
- No clubbing or bar-hopping alone
- Complete honesty about social interactions
- Conflicts get resolved within 24 hours
These rules should feel protective, not restrictive. If they feel like a prison, you need to revisit them together.
3. Take On Projects Together
Want to feel connected despite the distance? Create shared experiences.
I’ve seen couples learn new languages together, read the same books, take online courses, or even train for marathons simultaneously. One couple I worked with learned to cook the same cuisine and would prepare meals “together” over video calls.
The key is choosing activities that give you common ground for conversation and shared goals to work toward.
4. Master Creative Communication
Time to level up from “How was your day?” conversations. Creative communication keeps things fresh and intimate:
Photo storytelling: Send pictures throughout your day with captions Voice messages: Sometimes hearing their voice is better than reading text Surprise deliveries: Order food delivery to their workplace with DoorDash or Uber Eats Shared playlists: Create music collections that tell your story on Spotify or Apple Music Random video calls: Not everything needs to be scheduled
The goal is making your partner feel included in your daily life, even from far away.
5. Embrace Intimate Video Chats
Okay, let’s talk about the stuff some people are too shy to discuss physical intimacy.
IMO, video intimacy is crucial for long distance marriages. If you’re uncomfortable with this, you need to get comfortable fast, because physical connection doesn’t just disappear because of distance.
This includes everything from flirty texts to more intimate video sessions. Create a safe space where both partners can express themselves freely without judgment.
6. Plan Creative Virtual Dates
Virtual dates aren’t just “making do” they can be incredibly romantic and fun. Some ideas that have worked wonderfully for my clients:
- Movie nights: Use Netflix Party (now Teleparty) or Amazon Prime Video Watch Party to watch together
- Cooking dates: Prepare the same meal while video chatting via Zoom, Skype, or FaceTime
- Game nights: Play together on Jackbox Games, Board Game Arena, or mobile apps like Words With Friends
- Virtual tours: Explore museums, cities, or attractions online together through Google Earth or virtual museum tours
- Wine or coffee tastings: Order the same products and taste together
The key is treating these like real dates, dress up, set the scene, make it special.
7. Make Regular Visits Non-Negotiable
Here’s where financial planning becomes crucial. Visits can’t be an afterthought, they need to be budgeted for and scheduled in advance.
How often should you visit? That depends on your situation, but I recommend at least every 2-3 months if possible. More frequent short visits often work better than rare long ones.
During visits, focus on quality time together. Don’t pack every moment with activities. Sometimes the best visit is just being lazy together on the couch.
8. Leave Personal Items Behind
This might sound silly, but it works. Leave behind items that carry your scent or remind your partner of you:
- A worn t-shirt or hoodie
- Your favorite perfume or cologne
- A book you’ve been reading
- Photos from your visit
- A voice recording for them to listen to
These physical reminders provide comfort during tough moments and help maintain that feeling of connection.
9. Avoid Tempting Situations
Prevention is better than damage control. This means being honest about situations that might test your commitment and avoiding them entirely.
This doesn’t mean becoming a hermit, but it does mean being thoughtful about:
- Late night social situations without your partner
- Developing close emotional friendships with the opposite sex Keeping secrets about your social activities
- Putting yourself in compromising positions
Trust is fragile in long distance marriages, protect it fiercely.
10. Set Clear Goals and Timelines
This is probably the most important advice I can give you: Your long distance marriage must have an expiration date.
Sit down together and create a realistic timeline for ending the distance. Maybe it’s six months, maybe it’s two years, but it needs to be specific and achievable.
Having clear goals gives you both something to work toward and helps during difficult moments when you’re questioning everything.
11. Practice Radical Honesty
In regular marriages, you can sometimes get away with white lies or omissions. In long distance marriages, transparency is survival.
This means sharing:
- Your daily activities and whereabouts
- Your feelings, both positive and negative
- Your struggles with the distance
- Your social interactions and friendships
- Your doubts and insecurities
Radical honesty builds the deep trust that long distance marriages desperately need.
12. Build Strong Support Networks
You can’t do this alone. Both partners need local support systems to help them through the lonely moments.
This might include:
- Close friends who understand your situation
- Family members who can provide emotional support
- Online therapy through platforms like BetterHelp or Talkspace for additional guidance
- Online communities like r/LongDistance on Reddit or LongDistanceRelationships.com forums
Just be careful about opposite-gender friendships and maintain appropriate boundaries.
13. Learn Each Other’s Schedules Inside and Out
Nothing kills romance faster than trying to have a deep conversation when your partner is rushing to a meeting or exhausted after a 12-hour workday.
Study your partner’s schedule like it’s your job. Know when they’re free, when they’re stressed, when they prefer to talk, and when they need space.
This knowledge helps you be more considerate and makes your communications more meaningful and well-timed.
14. Remember Your “Why”
Long distance marriage is hard. There will be days when you question everything and wonder if it’s worth it.
Create a “relationship reminder kit”:
- Photos from your best times together
- A playlist of “your songs”
- Love letters or sweet texts you’ve saved
- A list of reasons why you chose this person
- Memories of why you decided to try long distance
Pull these out during tough moments to remind yourself why you’re fighting for this relationship.
15. Create Bucket Lists Together
Planning future experiences together keeps the excitement alive and gives you both something to look forward to.
Your bucket list might include:
- Places you want to travel together
- Restaurants you want to try Adventures you want to share
- Goals you want to achieve as a couple
- Experiences unique to your relationship
Update this list regularly and start planning how to make these dreams reality.
16. Master the Art of Surprise
Routine is the enemy of romance, especially in long distance marriages. Spontaneity keeps things exciting.
Surprise ideas that work:
- Unexpected food deliveries to their workplace using Grubhub, DoorDash, or local delivery services
- Surprise video calls at unusual times Showing up unannounced (if logistics allow)
- Sending random care packages through Amazon or local services
- Ordering flowers via 1-800-Flowers or FTD
- Leaving surprise notes in their belongings during visits
The key is keeping your partner guessing in the best possible way.
17. Maintain Realistic Optimism
Social media can be brutal for long distance couples. You’re constantly seeing other couples together while you’re apart. Choose your mindset carefully.
Focus on:
- Your unique love story
- The strength you’re building as a couple
- The appreciation you’re developing for each other
- The communication skills you’re mastering
Avoid:
- Comparing your relationship to others
- Dwelling on worst-case scenarios
- Consuming negative content about long distance relationships
- Making major decisions when you’re feeling particularly lonely
18. Develop Independent Interests
This might seem counterintuitive, but having a full life apart from your partner actually strengthens your relationship.
When you have your own hobbies, friends, and interests:
- You have more to talk about during conversations
- You’re less likely to become clingy or demanding
- You maintain your individual identity
- You’re happier and more confident overall Some ideas:
- Take up a new hobby or sport Join local clubs or groups
- Focus on career development Learn new skills
- Volunteer for causes you care about
Making It Work: Your Action Plan
Here’s your homework, and yes, I’m giving you actual homework because this matters too much to leave to chance.
This week:
- Have an honest conversation about your timeline and goals
- Establish 3-5 relationship boundaries you both agree on
- Schedule your next visit (even if it’s months away)
- Plan one creative virtual date
This month:
- Create your bucket list together
- Establish a regular communication schedule that works for both time zones
- Build your local support network
- Start a shared project or hobby
This quarter:
- Evaluate what’s working and what isn’t
- Adjust your strategies based on what you’ve learned
- Plan something special to celebrate your progress
- Consider couples counseling if you’re struggling
Final Thoughts
A long-distance marriage may come with unique challenges, but with commitment and creativity, it can still thrive. Consistent communication, trust, and shared goals help bridge the miles and keep love strong.
Simple gestures like virtual dates, surprise messages, and planning future visits remind both partners that distance doesn’t diminish affection.
What truly sustains the bond is patience, understanding, and the willingness to make each other a priority. With effort and love, distance can strengthen the foundation of marriage rather than weaken it.
What’s your biggest challenge in your long distance marriage? I’d love to hear your story and help you work through it. Share in the comments below!
