Girl, let me guess. Right now, you’re probably sitting there with steam practically coming out of your ears, wondering how the man you love so much can simultaneously drive you absolutely bonkers. Sound familiar?
I’ve been there. We’ve ALL been there. After fifteen years of helping couples navigate the choppy waters of relationships as a licensed therapist, I can tell you with absolute certainty that every woman will face moments when her partner makes her want to scream into a pillow (or worse).
You know what I’m talking about. Those moments when he leaves dirty dishes in the sink for the third day straight, “forgets” about plans you made weeks ago, or says something so thoughtless you question whether aliens have replaced his brain. Yeah, those moments.
But here’s the thing: how you handle your anger in these situations can make or break your relationship. I’ve seen couples recover from major betrayals, and I’ve watched others implode over who forgot to buy milk. The difference? How they managed their anger.
Ready to learn the steps that’ll save both your sanity and your relationship? Let’s get into it.
1. Walk Away
I know, I know. Every fiber of your being wants to unleash the full force of your fury right there, right then. But hold up, warrior princess. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is walk away.
This isn’t about being weak or letting him “win.” This is about protecting yourself and your relationship from the nuclear fallout of uncontrolled anger. Trust me, I’ve seen too many couples say things they can never take back in the heat of the moment.
When you feel that familiar rage bubbling up, physically remove yourself from the situation. Go for a walk, hit the gym, or lock yourself in the bathroom if you have to. Give yourself time to cool down before you do something you’ll regret.
Create a code word with your partner beforehand. When either of you says it, you both agree to take a 20-minute break to decompress. Apps like Calm or Headspace can help you center yourself during these cooling-off periods
Why This Works. Your prefrontal cortex (the logical part of your brain) literally goes offline when you’re angry. You’re operating on pure emotion, which rarely leads to productive conversations. Walking away gives your brain time to come back online so you can think clearly.
2. Don’t Talk With Anger
Here’s some real talk: nothing good ever comes from talking when you’re seeing red. Nothing.
I’ve watched countless clients destroy beautiful relationships because they couldn’t keep their mouths shut when anger was driving the bus. When you’re furious, your words become weapons, and once you fire them, you can’t take them back.
That sarcastic comment about his mother? The low blow about his insecurities? The threat to leave? These toxic words seep into your relationship like poison, creating wounds that take forever to heal.
Instead, wait until you can speak from a place of clarity rather than chaos. Your future self will thank you for this restraint.
Remember: You can’t unhear hurtful words, and neither can he.
3. Make Him Understand
Once you’ve cooled down and can think straight, it’s time for the real conversation. But here’s the key: focus on specific behaviors, not character attacks.
Instead of saying “You’re so selfish and inconsiderate,” try “When you made plans with your friends without checking with me first, I felt overlooked and unimportant.” See the difference?
The goal isn’t to punish him or prove you’re right. The goal is to help him understand how his actions affected you so he can make better choices moving forward.
I can recall some colleagues of mine, one day Daniel mistakes his wife.
Emma slammed the cupboard, frustrated. Instead of yelling, she said, “I’m not mad at you. I just feel overwhelmed when the dishes pile up.”
Daniel sighed. “I understand. I’m just tired from work, not ignoring you.”
The tension eased. He put on the kettle and smiled. “Tea?” Emma nodded. They realized that explaining anger didn’t divide them, it brought them closer.
Use the formula “When you [specific behavior], I felt [emotion] because [reason].” This keeps the focus on the action and your response, not his character.
Creating Safe Conversations: Set up the conversation for success. Choose a time when you’re both relaxed and won’t be interrupted. Start with something positive about your relationship, then address the issue, and end with reassurance about your commitment to working things out together.
4. Listen To Him
Okay, this is where it gets tricky. You’re hurt, you’re angry, and the last thing you want to do is hear his “excuses.” But hear me out (pun intended).
There might be context you’re missing. Maybe he’s been stressed about work, and it’s affecting his focus. Perhaps he was raised in a family where certain behaviors were normal that seem thoughtless to you. Or maybe he genuinely didn’t realize how his actions would impact you.
I’m not saying his reasons excuse hurtful behavior. But understanding his perspective can help you both figure out how to prevent similar issues in the future.
The magic question: “Help me understand what was going through your mind when this happened.”
Active Listening Techniques: Put away distractions (yes, including your phone), maintain eye contact, and resist the urge to interrupt or prepare your rebuttal. Sometimes people just need to feel heard before they can hear you.
5. Understand His Point Of View
Men and women often approach situations differently, and these differences can create conflict where none was intended. This doesn’t mean one approach is right and the other is wrong, just different.
For example, when facing a problem, many women want to talk through their feelings about it, while many men immediately jump to solution mode. Neither approach is wrong, but they can clash if you don’t understand what’s happening.
I remember one client who was furious because her boyfriend kept trying to “fix” her bad day at work instead of just listening and sympathizing. He thought he was being helpful; she felt dismissed. Once they understood each other’s communication styles, they could navigate these situations much better.
Key insight: Different doesn’t mean wrong. It just means you need to bridge the communication gap.
6. Overlook It
Before you roll your eyes at me, hear me out. I’m not suggesting you become a doormat or ignore serious issues. But some hills just aren’t worth dying on.
Ask yourself: Will this matter in five years? Five months? Even five days? If the answer is no, consider letting it go. Save your emotional energy for the battles that actually matter.
I use what I call the “parking ticket test.” Getting a parking ticket is annoying, but you pay it and move on. You don’t let it ruin your week or your relationship with your car. Some relationship annoyances deserve the same treatment.
Perfect people don’t exist. If you’re nitpicking every small thing, you’re probably setting yourself up for chronic frustration.
The Art of Strategic Overlooking: This isn’t about suppressing your feelings. It’s about consciously choosing not to turn minor irritations into major conflicts. You can acknowledge something bothered you without making it a relationship issue.
7. Don’t Approach Him With A Fight
If you come in swinging, he’s going to put up his defenses faster than you can say “we need to talk.” And once those walls go up, productive conversation becomes nearly impossible.
Instead, approach the conversation as a team trying to solve a problem together, not as adversaries in a battle. Your tone, body language, and word choices all matter here.
Conversation starters that work:
- “I’ve been thinking about what happened earlier, and I’d love to talk it through.”
- “I want to understand your perspective on something.”
- “Can we figure out how to handle this differently next time?”
Conversation starters that don’t work:
- “We need to talk.” (This immediately puts people on the defensive)
- “You always…” or “You never…” (Generalizations shut down communication)
- Starting with accusations or blame
Setting the Right Tone for conversation starters or check out resources for research backed communication techniques.
8. Laugh It Over
Sometimes, the best medicine for relationship frustrations is a good laugh. Not at your partner, but at the ridiculousness of the situation.
I had clients who used to fight about him leaving the toilet seat up until they decided to make it a game. Now they have a “toilet seat scoreboard,” and whoever forgets owes the other a back rub. They transformed a recurring argument into a source of humor.
Obviously, this approach works better for minor annoyances than serious issues. But for those everyday irritations that plague all relationships, humor can be surprisingly healing.
Warning: Make sure you’re both in on the joke. Laughing alone at his expense will backfire spectacularly.
Finding the Humor
Look for patterns in your fights. Do you argue about the same silly things repeatedly? Can you create inside jokes or playful solutions? Sometimes addressing the absurdity of a situation can deflate its power to cause conflict.
9. Give Him Excuses
Now, before you grab your pitchforks, let me explain what I mean. I’m not talking about making excuses for genuinely harmful behavior. I’m talking about extending grace for human imperfection.
Maybe he forgot your lunch date because he’s been overwhelmed at work. Perhaps he seemed distant because he’s worried about his dad’s health, but doesn’t know how to talk about it. Sometimes cutting people slack isn’t about them; it’s about protecting your own peace of mind.
The benefit: When you assume positive intent, you approach conflicts from a place of curiosity rather than accusation, which leads to much better outcomes.
The Grace Balance
This isn’t about being a pushover. It’s about recognizing that everyone has bad days, makes mistakes, and sometimes acts out of character. The question is: Does this behavior represent who he really is, or is it an exception?
10. Forgive
This is the big one. The step that separates couples who make it from couples who don’t. Forgiveness isn’t about pretending nothing happened or excusing bad behavior. It’s about choosing to let go of resentment so it doesn’t poison your relationship.
Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. You’re the one who suffers when you carry that weight around.
Forgiveness is a process, not a one-time decision. Some days you’ll feel like you’ve moved past the hurt, and other days it’ll bubble up again. That’s normal. Keep choosing forgiveness until it sticks.
The forgiveness process:
- Acknowledge your hurt
- Choose to forgive (even if you don’t feel it yet)
- Express your forgiveness
- Work together to prevent similar issues
- Let go of the grudge
Final Thoughts
Here’s what I wish someone had told me earlier in my own relationship journey: anger in relationships is inevitable. The couples who make it aren’t the ones who never fight; they’re the ones who fight fair and repair quickly.
Every single day, I work with couples who love each other deeply but struggle with conflict.
The successful ones share common traits: they take responsibility for their own emotions, they communicate with respect even when they’re hurt, and they prioritize the relationship over being right.
Need more relationship support? Share this with a friend who might benefit, and remember: every strong relationship is built one healthy conversation at a time. 🙂
